In our culture we often hear people say: “Well, I did not choose my parents, did I?!” This is often followed by a statement to the effect of drawing a shorter straw in the parent-child lottery. Many other (predominantly Eastern) cultures (where karma and reincarnation are pivotal concepts) view this matter differently.
Recently someone posted the following question on Twitter:
“What is the number one thing you’d like people to know or understand about mental illness?”
I replied: “That it cannot be blamed automatically on the people who did the parenting of an individual”. My reply received a surprising number of “likes”, which reminded me that this is a topic I have long contemplated writing a blog about.
In my first book (Natural Born Shamans: A Spiritual Toolkit for Life) I give a very condensed history of the concept “parenting”. Until birth control became reliable, and freely available, children naturally arrived, in large numbers. Most ordinary people did not give much thought to parenting or parenting styles. They were trying to keep their head above water. Many children did not survive infancy, just like many women did not survive childbirth. Those were different times from ours. Expectations were set differently.
The verb parenting was invented in 1959. By then the medical profession had advanced and psychology was a respectable field of study. The contraceptive pill first became available in the UK in 1961. Having children became a choice, rather than an almost inevitable life event. People started having smaller families but also giving more thought to raising the children they did have.
Fast forward to the 21st century. Pop psychology is everywhere and most people (with no training in psychology, psychiatry or pathology whatsoever!) now know that if children struggle in any way, poor parenting is something to do with it. I observe a staggering amount of casual parent-blaming. Single parents especially get a lot of flak in our society (while most of them do a heroic job holding it all together).
Let’s be clear: it is beyond question that our childhood and the way our parents/carers raised us have a huge impact on the trajectory of our lives. Psychologists have coined an acronym for this: ACEs. It means Adverse Childhood Experiences. There is a direct correlation between ACE’s and long term life outcomes (with research parameters such as stable relationships, physical and mental health, employment, life satisfaction etc.)
Many individuals (myself included) do carry profound trauma patterns from childhood. Unravelling and healing those is a Herculean task for many. Some don’t, they accept the painful imprints of childhood as “reality” and allow those to limit their lives. This is a matter of free will (and level of education).
However, let’s never forget: traumatised children generally have traumatised parents. Something is on repeat, often through many generations, until it is healed and transmuted, so the loop closes.
Having acknowledged that in its fullness, I also observe a lot of brilliant, even heroic, parenting happening in the challenging times we live in. It hardly needs stating that a generation of children and teenagers has just lived through the Covid-19 Pandemic and Lockdowns. And as soon as the restrictions eased, Russia invaded Ukraine and more horror and death continued to unfold on the our doorstep (speaking as a European, writing this in a country which has a Baltic Sea border with Russia).
Gender ideology has also rapidly gained ground to the point where pre-schoolers are now invited to consider the idea that they might have been born “in the wrong body” (the only body they will ever have!) Dealing with a serious issue (gender dysphoria) when it arises is one thing, but planting that idea in malleable young minds is a whole different ballgame, developmentally speaking. Also speaking in terms of the security any child needs to feel for normal development to unfold.
It is a fact that mental health services in most European countries were running at the limit long before these events unfolded. Waiting times were long and suicide rates skyrocketed. In the UK young people stand no chance of receiving immediate and adequate help with depression or severe anxiety unless they are (or claim to be!) actively suicidal.
How do parents and children navigate a landscape so full of craters and landmines? In interviews I have been promoting the idea of willing adults mentoring a child or teenager, being a confidante and non-judgmental safe person. I hope this vision catches on. I am well aware that there are safeguarding issues with my vision because, tragically, paedophiles are riding in on the wave of uncertainty and permissiveness created by Woke policy changes. As a mother and teacher I follow these issues very closely, with immense concern. Oh and they prefer to use the euphemism Minor Attracted Person (MAP for short) now, not paedophile.
That is a subject for another day and another piece. In this blog I want to cover an angle that is not normally given much airtime: the spiritual dimension. The term “soul contract” is commonly used in spiritual circles and it means that an agreement was made (before birth) for a parent and child to face (and work through) certain issues together. There is a general understanding that there is a karmic or ancestral dimension to this.
No matter whether you believe that you lived (here on Earth) before and have unfinished business with others or if you believe that whatever our ancestors did not resolve or heal pools in the ancestral field, and another generation will need to pick up these issues and resolve them – this phenomenon is very real!
Fifteen years of shamanic practice (in inner city London UK) has taught me that both types of issues express themselves in very similar ways (there may well be a cosmic match-making agency for souls!) Either way or anyway, parents and children face issues together. And those issues nearly always extend beyond the childhood (in the current lifetime) of both parent and child.
I believe that some children, with special needs (emotionally, physically, intellectually) are “divinely” or “cosmically” matched with exceptional parents, who are able to offer a container for these challenges. In plain English: the soul of the child chooses the parent(s) because of their ability to handle things that extend way beyond the difficulties of an average parenting journey. This is the very opposite of the blind assumption I started this piece with!
To then say: oh, surely the child is that way because their parents messed up (or even worse: those parents had “bad karma” to deal with!), is WAY off the mark (to put it politely). My intention for writing this blog is to start lifting the veil off this topic and invite a different kind of discussion and engagement. Also to invite a major re-think of the “blame the parents” blanket approach.
What if, in many cases, no one is to blame, but there is a situation that needs handling with sensitivity and compassion?
What if karma (in the Old Norse Tradition we speak of ørlǫg) is never about punishment, but about a completing a lesson that has not been mastered before? A second or third chance? A cosmic act of kindness, in essence? (This is a good question to put to the Norns, the Powers of Fate).
In recent interviews I have been asked a few times if I will ever write the sequel or follow-up book, to Natural Born Shamans. People are referring to a possible book that delivers a spiritual toolkit post-pandemic, for Woke times of gender confusion and more children than ever before displaced by armed conflict. The answer is: I don’t know. I write the books that my spirit allies demand I write. I have not (yet) received clear guidance on this – but here is the first step, a blog.
I will leave things here for today. Feel free to share both reactions and suggestions or requests for further pieces (exploring this and related topics) in the comments. I read them all and always try to leave a personal response!
Imelda Almqvist, Sweden, 7 September 2023
Oh yes! What a timely essay! Having worked with problems of generational ancestral stickiness, I agree. However, this week, this TikTok therapist was made known to me by someone as 'a good model' of how parents can be brought 'to come into line': in her little chat she seems to encourage 'parental accountability' in a way which seems to be an encouragement to children to exile their parents until or unless they show true repentance: https://www.tiktok.com/@stephanne221/video/7273652426366881070?_t=8fRWdE891rF&_r=1
This kind of thing is not making matters any better for those who are struggling with deeper issues that they may share with both their ancestors and their descendants. I found it horrific, uncaring and dangerously unsettling. How much kinder is the way of the spirits!
Hallo Imelda, I like to make some remarks, and ask some questions.
I assume that “ do the parenting “ includes stepparents ( I have 3 stepchildern , all grown ups now) .
My wife always told me that when she had her daughter and son she had a very strong feeling that she must have a third child. I think we can speak of a soul contact . They can support and understand each other in difficult situations. Our youngest daughter has adhd ( in english I don’t know) and is sometimes depressive. My wife did not have a normal childhood. She grew up in a religious community, with hardly any contact with the outside world. I sometimes think that one livetime is not enough to repair the damage. I belief that mother and child have choosen each other.
Do you know the book “Bestaansrech’ van Maarten Oversier, only in Dutch I believe but that is not a problem for you 😉. It is about people reincarnated in our generation who had a traumatic experience in the second World War.