Yearning for Control
I think a lot about how oppression impacts us on an emotional level. Lately, I’ve been considering how the emphasis on control causes emotional distress. In an oppressive society, control is idealized as the most valuable thing we can obtain. We see this all around us: “Gain mastery over your mind”, “Learn to control your emotions or thoughts or weight”, “How to attract others”, the list goes on. When we go through a painful breakup or separation, we may try to figure out what we did or didn’t do to cause it. We may even try to figure out why people treat us poorly. All of this comes back to a belief that we should be able to control our feelings as well as others’ feelings and behavior.
This is taken to the extreme with victim-blaming. Instead of questioning what made someone choose to commit an act of violence, we scrutinize the victims, wondering what “made them vulnerable” or what “put them at risk” ? Though well-intentioned, self-defense classes and assertiveness training may inadvertently give the message that we are responsible for being able to thwart an attack and if we’re unable to or if we “put ourselves in a bad situation”, the attack is our fault. When someone is victimized, we do our utmost to convince ourselves that we would never suffer the same fate because we wouldn’t let it happen. Playing the victim is more stigmatized than aggressive, domineering, or even violent behavior. A lack of control is seen as shameful.
We put immense amounts of energy, time, and thought towards gaining control…all at the cost of connection. Connection requires us to relinquish control—to see and accept ourselves and each other as we are. Rather than seeing ourselves and others as we are, we see everyone as we ought to be and work tirelessly to fit the mold. The molds are purposely rigid so that we can never quite fit. We’re told we can do it if we only want it enough or try hard enough and we’re falling short because of some characterological defect. This leaves us constantly yearning and striving, willing to do or think or buy anything that promises to get us closer to our goal. The solution? I’m not sure but I don’t think the answer is to keep chasing control.