Living in the same house with my three teenagers is a constant exercise in the delicate practice of what I can only term “feelings management.” It’s really, really, really hard for me to know what I can (and should or shouldn’t) do with all the ups and downs that happen on a daily basis. HOO BOY, the ups and downs! Emotional rollercoaster is a very apt term.
Comparing ourselves to others: if only …
I remember being a teenager. It was the requisite amount of angsty. Olivia Rodrigo remembers being a teenager. She was 18 when she co-wrote Jealousy in 2021.
I kinda wanna throw my phone across the room
’Cause all I see are girls too good to be true
With paper-white teeth and perfect bodies
Wish I didn't careI know their beauty’s not my lack
But it feels like that weight is on my back
And I can’t let it goCo-comparison is killing me slowly
I think, I think too much
’Bout kids who don't know me
I’m so sick of myself
I’d rather be, rather be
Anyone, anyone else
My jealousy, jealousy
Started following me (he-he-he, he-he)
Started following me (he-he-he, he-he)
Do you think too much ‘bout kids who don’t know you, even if you’re not a kid anymore? My teens compare themselves to others ALL the damn time, and it never turns out in their favor. At nearly age 46 (May 1, people! Mark it down!), I’ve gotten better at avoiding this, but there’s a part of it that feels like inevitable human nature.
Which got me to wondering: why the heck do we do this to ourselves? Why can’t we just be happy with what we’ve got? What’s the point of all this agonizing comparison?
Evolutionary purpose of social comparisons
Usually it seems like when we humans do something in our modern world that’s totally disproportionate to the actual stimulus—such as when we go into fight-or-flight mode when faced with something that isn’t a real threat—it has an evolutionary origin.
Sure enough, turns out that the psychologist Leon Festinger, who came up with social comparison theory in a 1954 paper, theorized that social comparison (evaluating personal skills and opinions using others as a benchmark) was useful for survival. Being able to gauge your abilities against others is a way to understand your abilities, and if you find you’re lacking, it gives you what Festinger called “a level of aspiration,” namely, something to shoot for.
That’s fantastic if you realize you’re slower than your neighbor when it comes to outrunning a predator on the prehistoric savanna. But what about when it comes to looking at Insta-perfect images of someone’s vacation or super-expensive skincare-product smoothies on Tiktok (yes, this is a thing)? What about when you just got divorced and all the families on Facebook look so happy? How about when you’re at the gym trying to lose a few pounds and everyone else looks super fit? How about just a passing picture of a beautiful, unattainable house that doesn’t have an impossibly messy kitchen stacked high, Jenga-like, with dishes and rooms hiding multiple bags and baskets of sock graveyards (I’m asking for a friend)?
While we could compare ourselves to those doing worse than us (downward comparison), it seems the most common form is upward comparison, where we look at those who seem to be doing better than us.
How to let go of the upward comparison trap
If you find yourself trapped in upward comparisons that leave you feeling jealous, envious, sad, empty, or other negative emotions, you may wish to find ways to transform this behavior into something that doesn’t leave you feeling depleted.
Here are some strategies you can use:
Define your core values. Core values give you a personal benchmark for what success looks like when you’re competing only against yourself and using comparison to evaluate your former and current self to gauge your progress. Your core values may not look anything like society’s values, and that’s fine. The important thing is that you know what matters to you and you use those values as a guidepost that you can refer back to when you find yourself negatively comparing yourself to others. You can ask yourself if the comparison helps you better align with your own core values, or if it’s just a distraction that triggers a sense of inadequacy.
Cultivate self-compassion. Developing self-compassion is something I talk about a lot (see: Inhale, My Friend, as one example). When you find yourself down in the dumps because you feel like you don’t measure up, put your hands on your heart, remind yourself “Inhale, my friend,” and remember to be kind to yourself. Dr. Kristin Neff is a pioneer in the study of self-compassion; you can check out her website on tips for self-compassion practice.
Devote time in service to others. Today’s modern society is toxic when it comes to the way we’re constantly bombarded with messages about consuming more and more. We’re flooded with too much information, and that overwhelms our senses. We’re given impossible standards to judge ourselves by, and that makes us feel “less than.” One of the best ways to step outside of this narcissistic spiral is to devote time in service to others. Not only do service projects benefit other people, they combat personal loneliness and isolation by creating a shared sense of community. Look up volunteer organizations in your local area. Share your time and talents with people who need them. Host a giveaway of free stuff in your front yard. Organize a neighborhood potluck. Create community, share, and celebrate differences.
Start a gratitude practice. A well-known tenet of the positive psychology movement is research that shows how being consciously grateful helps create resilience and increases happiness. Go around the table at dinner and say things you’re thankful for. Start a gratitude journal. Send a thank-you note. Tell someone what you appreciate about them. When you realize how much you have to be thankful for, you’ll start focusing on what’s there, not what’s not there (ie, negative upward comparisons).
Cut down on social media time. You don’t really need it. I promise.
Listen to Lizzo’s NPR Tiny Desk Concert. (Ok, maybe that’s just me.)