being vulnerable online
The kind of writing that feels like you’re getting to witness the inner workings of someone’s mind, stream of consciousness, unfiltered thoughts, and real, knotty places of confusion.
This is day 2 of the 7-day process challenge where each day I commit to write about one internal process I use to navigate challenges.
I’m drawn to write about vulnerability today.
Partly because a conversation with my partner reminded me that I care about being vulnerable online and partly because I just read this thread by selentelechia that helped me get in touch with what I mean by vulnerability.
The kind of writing that feels like you’re getting to witness the inner workings of someone’s mind, stream of consciousness, unfiltered thoughts, and real, knotty places of confusion.
In some sense that is the only kind of writing I am interested in. And it’s also difficult to do that because it requires me to tap into stuff that even I am sometimes not ready to look at myself yet.
As I write this, I feel a part of me arising that wants to protect my insides as well - There are things that you should not share publicly yet! Beware of vulnerability porn!
Fair enough. There are some things in me that should only be shared with my journal and people who I feel safe with. But there are also places where a thought is ripe enough to share it with the world, and there’s some desire for it to stir things up, to confront, to make others think and self-reflect.
I feel like I am discovering my process for vulnerability as I am writing this. There seems to be some discernment that goes on - is it ripe to share or not yet?
And then there’s a why - why do you want to share it?
There are times when I feel like my internal experience is too much for me to hold or that it craves some external validation. For someone to tell me that what I am feeling makes sense. For someone to resonate with it and make me feel like a normal human again.
There’s something tender about wanting this kind of connection and there’s also something I am suspicious about. I want to be able to have this kind of connection within myself, I want to show up to receive all parts of my experience.
I just wrote and removed a bunch of words and I feel this familiar sense of “writing for an audience”.
I notice that sharing this feels vulnerable and alive. I want to be seen for being able to notice that and I also want to admit that I am not free from that. Yet. Maybe I’ll never be. Maybe some of it is wholesome - like having your style of writing and wanting to have a certain emotional impact through the art piece that is being created. I don’t know.
But I know that writing feels good when I am writing primarily for myself. To nudge myself to articulate thoughts that are already inside of me and help me feel more connected to my inner world.
I really enjoy reading pieces or threads from other people who do that, who invite me to their inner world so I can learn how they see the world and make sense of it. There is some allowing in it, some implicit message that says You don’t have to have your shit figured out, you don’t need to have answers or well formed opinions. Where you are is enough.
I am noticing that this piece feels close to complete and I have not yet landed on a clear process for vulnerability. Perhaps what I need right now is to practice vulnerability so I can understand it better.
Those are the best kind of writings that make me feel like I've connected to the writer the most. I find it really tough to balance between vulnerable vs journal-y. For me, I try to ramble as much as possible and then cut back later (especially when a second pair of eyes says so - most of the time, they end up loving it too)
I love your writing Becky, precisely because it’s so vulnerable ❤️