I was originally planning something completely different for my June post, but fate had different plans for me and my family.
On 5/30/2023, I got a devastating phone call from the Austin Police informing me of my brother Jimmy’s sudden passing. The news shook us all to the core. Longevity was never a concern we had for him - he was athletic, healthy and so full of life, he was only 42. Even his 20-year-old cat, Mozy, survived him. (Don’t worry, that was the first thing I took care of, he was adopted by one of Jimmy’s wonderful neighbors)
The aftermath was a blur, but the memory of breaking the news to my parents on FaceTime (they live in Hong Kong) broke me. My uncle and I called together and I remember all I could say was “Jimmy died”, I couldn’t even say it gently. I suppose I needed to say it out loud to fully believe it myself. Seeing my mother, then my uncle and aunts, burst into tears one after another tore me up inside…
I’m in Austin now, to be with family, arrange the memorial and cremation services, figure out what to do with his stuff, and start the probate process… It’s a lot, so much to learn, consider and decide on in a very short period of time. I’m grateful I have an Uncle here to help, I honestly don’t think I can do this alone. I’m lucky my family is relatively uncomplicated as well… but still, it’s all so overwhelming. This was the first funeral I’ve attended and I had to organize it. I have never owned a house and now I have to care for it. I never even heard of the term probate and now I must go through this legal process in order to manage his estate on behalf of my parents… (wtf Jimmy, we were supposed to be there for each other. We were supposed to care for our parents together..)
On top of that, the whole grieving process. It comes in waves, sometimes as big as a tidal wave, sometimes as unexpected as a rogue wave… weathering it alone vs. with family, balancing self-care vs. caring for my parents, it’s all new terrain I’m navigating, I’m just barely staying afloat... Despite all this, I must say it’s really nice to be with family. It’s been 5 years since I last saw my parents in person, and I’m so relieved that they won’t have to grieve alone in Hong Kong. Through laughter and tears we remember the good and the bad of our Jimmy together, with my parents, Uncle and Aunt, it’s is good for us all.
Though, my introverted side is screaming and longing to return home to Todd and the cats, to let out all the emotions I can’t express in front of my parents (like anger and frustration). It’s also interesting to observe the different cultural differences in processing grief and expressing love too, but maybe I’ll write about it in next month’s post.
So for the sake of your loved ones, I urge everyone reading to get your last wills done and tell them where you put it. Don’t put your families through all the legal headaches (did you know it takes at least 3-6 months? If it’s complicated, it can take years!) and let them mourn and heal in peace. That alone is plenty to handle.
For now, I’ll end this by sharing with you the speech I wrote for the memorial service:
What can I say about Jimmy that you don’t already know? He’s an open book.
What I can tell you about Jimmy is his name, his English name is a combination of my parent’s name, Jack and Mimi – Jimmy. He was their firstborn, he was my grandparents’ first grandchild, he was my aunts’ and uncles’ first nephew, and he was only brother.
His Chinese name TSZ MUK translates to self-Shepard. And true to his name, he made his way through life, independently and with determination, and guided many with his words and actions. Jimmy left for America when he was 17 and never looked back. I was only 10 back then. And honestly, his departure left me feeling pure joy. Finally! I no longer had to share a room with my teenage brother!
Growing up in Hong Kong wasn’t easy, we had to share an apartment smaller than 500 ft.² between the four of us. Needless to say, personal space was very lacking. He did what all big brothers do, he teased me relentlessly, farted at me, showed me my first horror movie which terrified me for months (it was Chucky), and he broke my toys then tell me “Don’t worry, be happy”. So that praise was forever spoiled with crying memories of mine.
But this time, his sudden departure left me in despair.
I followed his footsteps and came to America when I was 16. We both grew into ourselves in this country and fell in love with our lives here. While the distance between us grew, our shared experiences grew even deeper.
We didn’t spend that much time together as adults, and I can’t say that I’m very close to Jimmy. But I have come to realize is – what I do have with my brother is incredibly special. I think we really see each other for who we are. We have a deep respect for one another and trust each other wholeheartedly. I know we would be for each other at the drop of a hat when needed.
But most importantly, we’re proud of each other. It meant so much that he came to my wedding with a month’s notice, or when he told me was proud of my work. I am incredibly proud of him too, even though I make fun of him – as sisters do. But wow, just look at him, his career, his lovely home, his cat Mozy, the American dream he has achieved, and the wonderful life he has built. And all of you too, his friends, his neighbors, his coworkers, his community, his chosen family.
Words can’t express the gratitude I have for everyone who has reached out, expressed sympathies, and offered help. But what warms my heart the most is seeing how well-loved my brother Jimmy was and still is. What he means to you all, speaks volumes. I heard him described as the most optimistic, loud, honest, genuine, carefree, smart, opinionated, funny, no fucks given, good-hearted, and loyal friend.
So now, that classic phrase “Don’t worry be happy” and the explicit adult version “No Fucks Given” has new attached meanings for me. It’s now a wise motto that my brother lived by. And a motto I should live by more. It would be my way of honoring his memories.
Thank you for being my one and only brother, Jimmy. I’ll forever miss your presence.
Oh Isabella, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. What a beautiful tribute to your brother, who sounds like he was an amazing individual. My deepest condolences to you and your family. I lost my own brother decades ago.
I am so sorry, Isabella. I also lost my brother suddenly 15 years ago. It’s a special kind of grief to lose someone with so many shared memories and family touchstone experiences. Be gentle to yourself, and remember there is no timeline for grief, nor a “right” way to process it.