I’ve been sat at my computer for the last half hour dithering about and trying to find every possible excuse and some other thing to do to avoid writing this.
Because it’s never nice to have to admit to failure.
Especially not in the online business space where everything is supposed to be shiny and high vibe and wonderful and manifesting the success of your dreams.
Well, that hasn’t happened.
Yet.
(I’m qualifying with the ‘yet’ as a way of reminding myself that this isn’t a full stop or an ending. It’s a failure in this chapter, but hopefully one I can learn from)
On the 17th January I announced the launch of my Three Magical Circles – a series of gatherings blending intuitive guidance, creative alchemy, and storytelling – and shared the dates for the events in February.
Well, today is the last day of February and none of those three circles actually happened.
Not a single booking for any of them.
And not for want of sharing on my part.
Six pieces written and published here on Substack, 15 Instagram grid posts promoting them, dozens of IG stories, personal invitations via DM, mentions in Facebook groups, WhatsApps to friends…
And nothing.
(OK, OK, not entirely nothing, people I sent DMs to all politely and kindly declined due to conflicting commitments of various kinds)
But still.
I can’t help but feel disappointed and frustrated.
Combine that with additional stresses and exhaustion in other areas of my own life and it’s prime territory for a whole load of internal criticism and rumination.
Why wasn’t anyone interested?
Do they not like me?
Is anyone even seeing or reading all those posts?
Maybe there are already enough people doing this work better than me.
What if I’m charging too much?
You should have done them in the evenings, everyone works during the day.
You’re probably not explaining it well enough.
But why don’t they want to work with me?
What a waste of all that training.
It’s too weird and woo, no-one gets you.
Is it worth trying again?
You should have tried harder, marketed them in more different places.
Oh look, yet another business idea that’s failed.
There’s more. Plenty more. But you get the picture. The inside of my brain hasn’t been a particularly friendly place on occasion recently.
The thing is, when I’ve sat down and given myself some space to think things through rationally, and to reconnect with how I feel about them, some much gentler answers come up.
Could I have shared about the circles more frequently and more widely? Probably yes. Did I have the time or energy to manage that? No, absolutely not. So I can be proud that I did the best I could with the resources available to me at the time.
Could I have set different prices or hosted the events at different times? Yes, of course. But I know that I need to charge what feels good to me and that allows this work to be sustainable, and that I need to feel at my best to hold these kinds of spaces and daytime works best for that. So I made the choices that best facilitated me being able to offer the circles in a way that not only suited me but also offered as much of a guarantee as it’s possible to make of my guests having a positive and valuable experience.
The ’why don’t they like me?’ refrain is a familiar one that has tagged along behind me my whole life. My scared, lonely younger self still seeking for acknowledgment, belonging, understanding. But I can’t force other people to like me, to get me, to work with me if they don’t want to. Because your choices are your own, and I trust you to know what resonates or not, whether it feels right to make the investment or not, and to keep me on your radar for other opportunities that don’t clash with other appointments if you’re still keen to come along in future.
And the explaining things part, well, that’s something I find constantly tricky. Balancing my own tendency to use 1000 words where 100 would be plenty, to wax lyrical and try to paint a picture of an immersive experience while not forgetting to share the most pertinent and practical information. To put into words something that I actually believe can only truly be appreciated by being there and feeling it for yourself. A something that really can’t promise concrete results or measurable outcomes, but works on a more subtly transformative level. That – as I shared last week – attempts to answer some of our most fundamental paradoxes and powerful questions about what it means to be human.
So while the tag team of my scared younger self and my mean inner critic want to have a screaming tantrum about how unfair it all is, give up completely and snigger ‘I told you it wasn’t going to work’, fortunately I also have a wiser, grounded, more compassionate voice that reminds me of that three letter word I used earlier.
Yet.
It might not have worked out as I hoped – yet.
But that doesn’t mean it can’t in the future.
It doesn’t mean I can’t keep trying.
It doesn’t mean people don’t like me or that I’m wasting my time shouting into the online abyss.
It doesn’t mean the people who most need these circles and that I’m most aligned to support aren’t out there.
It definitely doesn’t mean I’m useless or hopeless.
It doesn’t mean this work, circle, isn’t an important and potent offering that is so needed in the world.
In fact, that these first three circles didn’t sell a single ticket doesn’t really mean anything at all.
I tried. I did the work. I honed my message along the way.
And I can keep trying. Turn the page to the next chapter. Re-write some of those horrible stories I told myself into something more empowering. Believe, trust, know that next time will be different.
I can’t know exactly how. Maybe I won’t have any bookings next time either. Maybe they’ll all sell out and have a waiting list.
But I won’t know unless I try.
So. I’m going to pick myself up. Dust myself off. Celebrate myself for what I’ve achieved so far. Remind myself what I’m working towards.
And I’ll be back soon with new dates for more circles in March and April. x
P.S this piece has been written emerging from some emotional turmoil, and while I’d normally be tempted to apologise for that, and to say that I’m not looking for sympathy, or trying to guilt trip you into signing up next time, I’m not going to.
Part of what I feel most strongly about circle, and my wider work and mission, is that each person’s story is their own. Their truth in the moment of telling it.
So this is mine.
In whatever moaning, slightly desperate way it might come across. Because life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows – there are shadows too, and all of it makes up the magical, multitudinous disco ball of who we are.
Consider this a permission slip to wallow just a little bit in a bad mood if you want to!
I don't know how many readers in the US you have but I remember that most of the times you posted were in the middle of the night here. If you mostly work with women in the UK/Europe then the timing might not have worked for the reasons you say. Coming up with suitable timings for an online audience can be tricky! I've also noticed a decline in the desire for online circles, now that people are not stuck at home anymore like they used to be during the pandemic. I don't think there is anything wrong at all with your offerings or you (you are wonderful and magical!), it's mostly just a timing thing. I love that you tried this and the beauty of having your own business is that you can take what you learned from this and tweak it and try again. Or perhaps shuffle things around a bit and try something else. You are so creative, you will come up with something. Sending much love ❤️
I'll let you wallow because I know it is an important part of the emotional process but I will also say this: I was very tempted to show up to one of them, but the time was not suitable. I'll look forward to the future dates. ❤️