There is so much inspiration here for writing, creating, and learning. Upon reflection, I can see that the course of my life has been greatly affected by the deep disconnect between my personal (internal?) and external identities. I often felt I had to choose between being who I am and being accepted by others. My father (who likely experienced this disconnect too) told me that if I wanted to play in someone else's playpen, I had to play by their rules, and instead of resisting that urge, as he did, I became really good at determining and conforming with others' rules. I hid what I liked to do and what I was good at (pretending, wondering, creating), and instead worked hard to do what I thought strong, independent, cool girls did in the 1970s, a kind of schizophrenic combination of Little League and Barbies. No one should find out that at home I was reading George Will and Isaac Asimov and waiting patiently for another trip to a museum or the relatives' farms.
I hid my oddities so well that eventually they atrophied and rarely bothered me anymore. I ignored the recruitment letters of colleges that would have truly supported me, but at least I was able to realize that literature was a better fit for me than business. But then, dear reader, I married him, and over the next decade I became a wife, a divorcée (remember that term?), and a single schoolmarm. I was "old" at 30. Because I had squandered my chances to live out my dreams, I deserved my uncomfortable fate.
Though severe depression caused me to change careers, my identity as an irredeemable failure has remained intact. But I am hopeful. With exercise and persistence, most atrophied muscles can be strengthened. Why not atrophied identities? With regular practice -- reading, writing, drawing, experiencing nature -- I can reconnect my external life with my internal identity. By making conscious choices about the contents and course of my life (who, what, where, when) I can express that which I know to be true within me. It's not too late. And I'm thankful for your encouragement and companionship on the journey.
Oh Paula this post shines with t your faith and determination to not let this call go unheeded, to shuck off failure as your identity and take back up who you really are. I can’t wait to watch what you create!🥳🌟🫶🏽👊🏼
Oh, Paula, when you wrote "because I had squandered my chances to live out my dreams, I deserved my uncomfortable fate," I felt a stab right in the gut. I have spent the last 4½ years since my husband died trying to figure out who I truly am and what I truly desire. All of that was pushed deep into my subconscious while I "showed up" to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I've also had to go through a lot of grief which has included depression and rage as I've done this work. And this work seems some of the hardest work I've ever done in my life. I'm certainly not there yet, but slowly I think I'm getting closer. I'm excited to finally meet the real me.
It's so heartening to know that no matter how hard our current personal work is, there is always someone out there sharing the experience. I won't say that "misery loves company," but at least we're not alone. I'm excited for you too.
Hey hey Paula! If you remember that song, you might think it describes your path, but that's really an aside because I'll tell you (and maybe Jen will recall from hearing my story at the April Taos retreat last year) that I have lived through similar events. Mine did not occur in the same order as yours but, with any luck and some effort, the results will be the same.
I married and became a mom at 35. By that time, I had let go of the idea that I would have either in my life and I was fine with that, although my family (mainly my semi-stereotypical Jewish mother) was not. Now, 30+ years after living a life similar to what happened to you 30 years ago (marriage, family, divorce AFTER 30 YEARS) I find myself essentially back at that same point in time.
Way back then, 30 or so years ago, I was OK with my single status. After the trajectory of my life from that point changed along with my status, my identity also changed, probably to the point where my now ex tried to shame me by telling me that he felt he was #5 behind our two children and my parents. He may have felt that way internally for a while but didn't come right out and start telling me that until close to the end. Looking back, I have come to think that could explain a lot of his behaviors well before then.
In any case, now that I am back mentally and emotionally to myself at 35 AND retired, I have regained the attitude but now also have the resources (time and money) to achieve what you've identified as your goals. They are mine, too.
There is so much inspiration here for writing, creating, and learning. Upon reflection, I can see that the course of my life has been greatly affected by the deep disconnect between my personal (internal?) and external identities. I often felt I had to choose between being who I am and being accepted by others. My father (who likely experienced this disconnect too) told me that if I wanted to play in someone else's playpen, I had to play by their rules, and instead of resisting that urge, as he did, I became really good at determining and conforming with others' rules. I hid what I liked to do and what I was good at (pretending, wondering, creating), and instead worked hard to do what I thought strong, independent, cool girls did in the 1970s, a kind of schizophrenic combination of Little League and Barbies. No one should find out that at home I was reading George Will and Isaac Asimov and waiting patiently for another trip to a museum or the relatives' farms.
I hid my oddities so well that eventually they atrophied and rarely bothered me anymore. I ignored the recruitment letters of colleges that would have truly supported me, but at least I was able to realize that literature was a better fit for me than business. But then, dear reader, I married him, and over the next decade I became a wife, a divorcée (remember that term?), and a single schoolmarm. I was "old" at 30. Because I had squandered my chances to live out my dreams, I deserved my uncomfortable fate.
Though severe depression caused me to change careers, my identity as an irredeemable failure has remained intact. But I am hopeful. With exercise and persistence, most atrophied muscles can be strengthened. Why not atrophied identities? With regular practice -- reading, writing, drawing, experiencing nature -- I can reconnect my external life with my internal identity. By making conscious choices about the contents and course of my life (who, what, where, when) I can express that which I know to be true within me. It's not too late. And I'm thankful for your encouragement and companionship on the journey.
Oh Paula this post shines with t your faith and determination to not let this call go unheeded, to shuck off failure as your identity and take back up who you really are. I can’t wait to watch what you create!🥳🌟🫶🏽👊🏼
Oh, Paula, when you wrote "because I had squandered my chances to live out my dreams, I deserved my uncomfortable fate," I felt a stab right in the gut. I have spent the last 4½ years since my husband died trying to figure out who I truly am and what I truly desire. All of that was pushed deep into my subconscious while I "showed up" to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I've also had to go through a lot of grief which has included depression and rage as I've done this work. And this work seems some of the hardest work I've ever done in my life. I'm certainly not there yet, but slowly I think I'm getting closer. I'm excited to finally meet the real me.
It's so heartening to know that no matter how hard our current personal work is, there is always someone out there sharing the experience. I won't say that "misery loves company," but at least we're not alone. I'm excited for you too.
Hey hey Paula! If you remember that song, you might think it describes your path, but that's really an aside because I'll tell you (and maybe Jen will recall from hearing my story at the April Taos retreat last year) that I have lived through similar events. Mine did not occur in the same order as yours but, with any luck and some effort, the results will be the same.
I married and became a mom at 35. By that time, I had let go of the idea that I would have either in my life and I was fine with that, although my family (mainly my semi-stereotypical Jewish mother) was not. Now, 30+ years after living a life similar to what happened to you 30 years ago (marriage, family, divorce AFTER 30 YEARS) I find myself essentially back at that same point in time.
Way back then, 30 or so years ago, I was OK with my single status. After the trajectory of my life from that point changed along with my status, my identity also changed, probably to the point where my now ex tried to shame me by telling me that he felt he was #5 behind our two children and my parents. He may have felt that way internally for a while but didn't come right out and start telling me that until close to the end. Looking back, I have come to think that could explain a lot of his behaviors well before then.
In any case, now that I am back mentally and emotionally to myself at 35 AND retired, I have regained the attitude but now also have the resources (time and money) to achieve what you've identified as your goals. They are mine, too.