US Supreme Court Creates Gift Registry
In an effort to dispel any appearance of impropriety, and to establish full transparency and accountability, Chief Justice John Roberts has announced the creation of a gift registry for members of the Supreme Court.
Now, anyone wishing to send their favorite Justices a no-strings-attached token of their appreciation for the court’s unwavering impartiality, are invited to log on to the registry’s website and choose those gifts they’d like to bestow from the merchants designated by each participating Justice.
By a margin of 6-3, Justices voted in favor of the registry, strictly along idealogical lines, with conservatives favoring the concept and liberals dissenting.
In the majority opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas, who has listed Fabergé jewel-encrusted imperial eggs among his gifts of choice, wrote:
“Now, at last, we Justices needn’t suffer the indignity of being wrongly accused of accepting gifts that would influence our judicial decisions. My wife Ginni and I are incensed that anyone would impugn my integrity by even the suggestion that the graciousness of my dear friend Harlan Crow, and I emphasize friend, in inviting us to tour the world with him on his luxury super yacht was anything but a small gesture of gratitude for the social camaraderie, laughs and fun times we share with him. In fact, I don’t even know, don’t care to know, how he votes!”
Crow, a Republican mega-donor, concurred, indicating the subject of politics never came up during any of their 10 or more trips together, some of which lasted weeks, even months.
“Clarence, in his own quiet way, is a hoot,” said Crow. “And Ginni, well, what can I say, such a kind-hearted, compassionate soul. Their company is all I’ve ever sought.”
Because the gifts on the registry’s website tend toward the extravagant—including cars, boats and real estate, except in the case of Justice Kavanaugh who has requested craft beers—donors are required to check a box pledging they have no business before the court and are in no way seeking to influence its decisions.
“Their word is good enough for me,” said Roberts. “Let there be no doubt our receiving any kind of emolument or gratuity for our selfless work is as purely innocent as the tip you would give your GrubHub driver.”
Jerry (G. Gaynor) McTigue has written for major city newspapers and national magazines, is the author seven books and a member of the American Society of Journalists & Authors (ASJA).