Hello you!
Do you remember your first friend? Emma was mine. She was my world. Four years older than me, I looked up to her like a big sister. She could do no wrong in my eyes and I wanted to spend all my free time with her. We knew everything about one another. Hours would pass in what felt like minutes on the phone. I’d have to call back before sixty minutes was up so mum wouldn’t get charged. I had time for her and she had time for me. We’d tell each other secrets, spend entire afternoons racing our bikes around her cul de sac and we could always be our childish selves around one another.
These days life is very different. It’s more complex for one; we have jobs that go on much longer than school, children who depend on us and we’re constantly being shuffled into the hamster wheel of ‘busy’ - though our needs remain the same. We want to feel connected with another, and despite what idyllic modern love portrays, we cannot get everything from one person. We need friends. We need a few.
But how do we make new friends? When your twenties are behind you it feels like everyone has their established friendship groups, they’ve become a parent or we’ve become a parent and if you’re single, couples tend to do things together. How do we find others we can connect with?
In his book Friends, Robin Dunbar outlines his theory on the seven pillars of friendship. These cues are how we determine who belongs to our community and who doesn’t. They are speaking the same language, having the same educational or career experience, sharing hobbies or interests, same world views, same sense of humour, same background and same musical taste (which interestingly he found to be the most important).
Dunbar’s opinion is we only have space for five close friends (family included), then the circle extends to fifteen best friends and after that 50 good friends. Any more than this are still considered friends but more acquaintances. When I read this I felt shook, there’s no way I have that many friends I thought - no wonder I feel lonely and disconnected. I’m not even sure I want or need that many but I certainly knew I was sitting on the lacking end of the scale and it was affecting me.
I’m riding this wave with anyone else who’s struggling but last night I made a new friend here in Paris and it only feels right to share all things that have helped make this happen.
1. Open your heart
It’s one thing to want something but it’s another to allow it in. Perhaps you feel worried about getting hurt, what others might think of your weird ways or that you’re not friend worthy. To truly connect with another we have no choice but to embrace vulnerability. This doesn’t mean we have to tell someone our entire life story and lay our childhood pain on the table the first time we meet them (though you might if it feels right) - but taking a few emotional risks outside of our comfort zones is essential. Yes it feels scary, cringe worthy even but it’s the only way forwards, the only way through. Be open to being vulnerable and you’ll be open to a richer life.
2. Make the first move
I once read a piece of dating advice that said make the first move on the hot ones, the hot ones never get hit on because everyone thinks they’re out of reach. I’m yet to find out if this is in fact true but I think there’s something to it. We can be very quick to assume others aren’t interested in us. Mirror this and you have two people looking for connection who won’t reach out to one another because of the exact same reason. How sad. Be the one to reach out. Ask someone for a coffee, tell them you like their instagram photos, you enjoyed that book too and you think you might get on in real life. Worst case you’ll suffer some rejection bruising but I promise it won’t kill you.
3. Give it time
Building connections takes time. Idyllic love has sold us a lie. The friendships I consider the deepest and strongest have developed over years and I place very little expectations on new friendships because it’s not fair to do otherwise. They’re only babies. A whirlwind how have we only just found each other relationship tends to fizzle as quickly as it explodes. Solid friendships need solid foundations to rest on and these needs months at least to engrain their roots. You might only connect once a month to begin with but as you test the waters slowly with a new person you’ll gravitate towards one another more naturally.
4. Make the effort
There’s a reason we only have room for so many friends in our lives, we only have so much time. Who we give this precious time to should be a considered process because friendship is a two way street. We should give as much as we receive. Effort doesn’t have to mean fancy meals, nights out or trips away - those these are all wonderful if possible and float both your boats. Effort can be taking a few minutes to call or message and check in with how someone is doing, asking if they fancy a walk, a skype chat, asking how their week has been (really!) and taking the time to actually listen. All relationships take work and friendships are no exception. If we don’t water the flowers they won’t grow.
5. Put yourself in the path of your right people
This is where I’ve struggled the most in the past. I live in the middle of nowhere, work from home alone, enjoy a mixture of house and classical music, don’t drink and I’m introverted. Hello isolation! A friend of mine who’s been struggling to meet people too just joined a choir and he’s loving it. That’s because he’s surrounded by people who share his love of singing. If you have an interest try to join a group preferably in real life but online will do if not and think about where those similar to you are likely to be.
6. Know when to walk away
We cannot be for everyone and everyone cannot be for us. We all want to be liked, we all want to be relatable but this isn’t the way it works with everyone. Focus on finding like minded hearts, you’ll know it when you do. Stick with these and if you feel something isn’t working or you feel disrespected repeatedly then have the courage to walk away. That isn’t to say we should scarper at the first sign of conflict, but value your friendship and only bestow it on those who both reciprocate and deserve it.
Any tips to add? If you’ve got any stories about making new friends after your twenties I’d love to hear them in the comments.
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
Things that have been adding value this week…
The first thing I bought when I arrived in Paris was Poems for Love. It’s a beautiful collection of selected poetry
Almond oil! It’s cheap, you can use it to wash your face, nourish your hair and moisturise your body! I discovered this one at the Pharmacy near where I’m staying and I can’t get enough.
Making new friends in your 30s
I've always had a difficult time making friends, ever since I was a little girl. I was the one everyone teased and shot snot-rockets at. Yep. I'm in my 40's (cringe) now and I have a grand total of two legit, close friends - one being my husband. I've never been the type of person that people are drawn to. I'm quiet (until I get to know you), I don't drink alcohol, I'm awful at small talk, thrift shopping is my jam and I listen to all kinds of music including folk and country. Oh, and I have inner child issues. I've always been the odd one, the outcast, the black sheep, etc. At this point in my life, I've just come to the conclusion that maybe I wasn't meant to have a ton of friends. Maybe just a couple are all I need.
#5. "I live in the middle of nowhere, work from home alone, enjoy a mixture of house and classical music, don’t drink and I’m introverted." I've designed my life to be lived by a hermit. I not only enjoy, I literally need Silence and Solitude to maintain my peace of mind. Is it any wonder I have no friends, with the exception of one childhood friend who lives in another country. So, coffee dates are rare. There's an element of shame around being friendless. It's hard to admit to my husband, much less anyone else. I'm willing and would love two or three girlfriends I can hang out with and share a laugh, or a cry with, on occasion. Thank you for another lovely, raw, thought provoking essay.