My word of the year for 2024
Choosing a word that guides you towards to life you want to live
Hello you!
My mum was kicked down the stairs when she was 26 weeks pregnant with me. We were admitted to hospital with her bleeding and both recovered. I’ve been in survival mode both physically and emotionally since before I was born. Now age 35, I’m done. I’m tired.
There are times when we need to shield up to survive, to push on and make it through each day. We’re not born with this character trait, we learn it as a result of our environment. It’s an understandable human response to trauma and threats, which can often push us into warrior mindset. We harden, we become as independent as possible and we isolate. We drift further from our hard wired human need to connect, to love and be loved, live in harmony with others as well as ourselves. Balance falls out of alignment within us and although we feel this, we feel equally afraid to restore it and often unequipped as to how we do so.
Something shifted when I moved apartments in Paris on my own towards the end of last year. It was so much hard work. Nobody came to help me and I didn’t ask for anyone to help me either. The expectation was placed on me alone, that I should be able to do this and I could manage no problem. I packed up my suitcases, bags, mop and vacuum taking things down a little at a time until it was all neatly piled up in the hallway of the apartment building where I’d been subletting. As it started to rain the first uber driver wound down his window to declare he wouldn’t take us because dogs weren’t accepted in his cab.
When we finally arrived at our new place it was dark. I got everything inside the secure doors first, took Hope’s lead off to free up a hand and proceeded to carry what I could manage up four flights of stairs. Earlier that same day I’d been to buy some new things. There was more than I could realistically carry but I had a very clear vision for how I wanted to wake up in my first proper apartment in Paris and a determination to make it happen. I wanted fresh linen bedding nobody else had slept in, soft gentle light seeping in through linen curtains, cosy slippers to put my feet in at the side of my bed and a hot cup of tea in a beautiful mug to sip from.
When I closed the door after I’d lugged the final load over the threshold I leant against my new kitchen wall, started to cry and slid down into a heap on the floor. An onlooker would have been forgiven for thinking I was broken; exhausted, sad and helpless but that wasn’t the case. There was relief in what felt like a surrender, celebration and the knowledge I was safe. My search for a home of my own was over. I had done what so many had told me would be impossible in finding a home to rent as a single, self-employed non French speaking expat. I had proven to myself what I was capable of. I could relax and I no longer wanted to prove anything to anyone, not even myself. I don’t think I’m alone in knowing the exhaustion that comes with the pressure of feeling the need to prove yourself and constantly pushing to the point of fighting. Perhaps you’ve felt it too?
The next morning when I woke up my vision was exactly as I’d imagined. I sat up in bed drinking my first cup of tea of the day soaking up the feeling of fresh bedding on my skin. Staring out of the window I said to Hope, ‘I’m ready to let someone love me again’. I’ve never struggled to love others, but allowing someone to love me? That, I’m not very good at. Loved is something I want to feel for sure - but when I do, for some reason it terrifies me. I started to wonder if I’ve ever really let anyone love me but in that moment I felt safe to soften and wanted to try. I’d exhausted the alternative and it wasn’t working.
Living in a state of quiet longing isn't enough. Even though I understand why I find myself here, because it’s familiar and we’re psychologically wired to recreate the familiar even when it’s painful, I’m no longer willing to let my past dictate my future.
Choosing my word for this year has been the hardest yet. I know which direction I want to travel in but I found it difficult to settle on one word to guide me. Back in the summer I started having ideas for my word of 2024. Pleasure was the first that came to mind, then heartfelt, soft, surrender and eventually divine feminine. I started reading about how we all have both masculine and feminine energy regardless of our gender but we can fall out of balance depending on our life situations and traumas. This hit hard. I resonated with many more of the typically masculine traits than the feminine and I wonder if trauma has a part to play here. I’m also curious if this is relatable for you too? Do you rely on your masculine shield for protection?
Curiosity led to fantasies about what embodying more feminine energy might look and feel like for me. Would this allow me to soften, indulge in more pleasure, dive deeper into my creativity well, live in line with my menstrual cycle guilt free and let love into my life without fear of it? I don’t mind admitting this word feels conflicting for me, but I feel in my gut it’s the one I’m meant to explore over the next 12 months and I want to listen to what my intuition is telling me to do, even if I’m not sure why just yet. I trust it’ll be for a reason and I’ll find out along the way.
The two biggest reasons I felt the need to choose this word are in terms of how I approach romantic love and my creative work. These are the two areas of my life I would really love to surrender in but feel the most afraid to. The creative business world is full of masculine guidance about logic, girl boss culture, consistency and competition. I’ve always felt akin with a different approach; a more artistic approach and drawn to find more balance here. In terms of love I want to feel less afraid of it and I’ve finally admitted to myself that I’d like to meet someone. I’ve spent the last three years single, learning how to be alone, healing, figuring out who I am and what kind of life I want. I know I can be alone, but I don’t want to be anymore. I want someone to love and I finally feel ready to give again.
In our word of the year workshop, which you can watch back here if you missed it and want to figure out your guiding word of 2024, we worked through a journal prompt centred around what our words of the year mean to us. I have some idea but this is the most mystical word I’ve chosen yet. I’m not really sure what it truly means but I feel the need to find out. I think this is why I feel a little bit queasy around it. For me femininity has always meant pink, softness, beauty salons etc and dare I say - weakness - but I think there’s another side to this word. This is what I want to explore and why the divine part is so important. Can there be strength in softness?
I’m curious to see how what I learn conflicts and challenges the beliefs I have around feminism, how this might challenge me hopefully resulting in growth. Something inside me feels ready to be unlocked. A curiosity coupled with a gut feeling and sprinkle of excitement at the thought of exploring it can be enough of a reason to choose a word.
Another prompt we worked through in our workshop was how we imagine a life embodying this word will look and feel. Again I feel like I have a lot to learn and I’m looking forward to what lies ahead, but right now I envisage a life where I’m not afraid to let my walls down, to be who I am and lead with my intuition above all else. It’s a life where I feel before I think, embrace my sensuality without shame, where I feel strong in my boundaries and supported because I’m open to receiving without fear of the repercussions. I don’t feel the need for control in this life or the obligation to do everything alone and push through in a warrior mindset on the lookout for danger around every corner. I’m safe, I’m home, I’m in my body and I’m free.
My simple hope is this word will guide me towards my future self, the one I want to be for the greater good, the one I’ve survived this far to live.
Do you have your word of 2024? I’d love to hear it if you’d like to share.
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
Such a bravely, beautiful letter. I usually read your letters, but today I listened and I'm so pleased I did, even if your quietly emotional reading of it made me cry, more than a little 🤍
I love your choice of word for this year, and even though your aesthetic feels the embodiment of femininity, I can relate to your feelings of having, of needing to have adopted a more masculine energy in order to survive. Kirsty Gallagher has spoken about the rise of the feminine this year, about recognising and trusting intuition and belief, curiosity and uncertainty.
I feel I'm walking into this year with a fearful, hopeful excitement about all the possibilities that might be. I'm embracing the not knowing, the uncertainty. And my word for this year, Trust.
Have a lovely lovely day.
Lovely reflection on your word choice for this year; I can really see you embodying some of that goddess energy reflection in the 'divine feminine'! Can't wait to see where it leads you :) After your great word of the year workshop, I was surprised by my own responses to the journal prompts, which led me towards the word "Nourish". I feel that after a few knocks in 2023, I really want to lean into nourishing myself in 2024; feeding both my body and mind with the quality I deserve, especially my creativity, whether that be the information I consume, the relationships I invest in, the projects I follow, or the food I consume.