for telling the truth
for lying
for keeping secrets
for trying
for failing
for feeling joy
for feeling grief
for feeling fear
for feeling anger
for feeling
for asking
for telling
for doing things wrong
for doing things right
for doing more
for doing less
for doing nothing
for doing
for giving
for keeping
for falling apart
for pulling it together
for needing
for wanting
for desiring
for pleading
for living
for dying
for pain
for suffering
for healing
for whatever
for whenever
for however
for wherever
for whoever
for longing to change
for longing to heal
for longing
Shame, at its core, is a measuring stick of self-worth. Shame is the act of hiding from ourselves and others because we are too afraid of evaluation. Shame keeps us hidden from ourselves. Shame is a stake through the heart. Shame throws us into the flames even if there’s an opportunity to dance around them. Shame begets more shame. It keeps us in line. Shame is the dividing line between guilt and forgiveness, between owning-up and self-immolation.
Shame happens along a spectrum and, on one end, it’s often huge and life crushing but even more often it’s simply that we don’t measure up. This can manifest in the subtlest of ways – a joke that goes flat during a conversation, later thinking to ourselves, ‘why did I say that?’ Or on the other end of the spectrum, that sheer sense of loneliness and isolation when we feel we don’t even deserve to be human. The feeling that there is something deeply wrong and perhaps cannot be fixed.
But.
Shame is also an invitation to walk through the door towards a life we want – worthy of love. The felt-sense that we don’t measure up may actually be an opportunity to carry our responsibilities with an acute awareness of our present set of circumstances, leading us onto a new path, often with uncertainty.
And.
If we want that doorway to open up, we may have to feel, even remotely, even the teeniest tiniest bit, that there may in fact be a place in the world for us where we actually deserve serenity and joy.
So.
Shame might, in fact, be a powerful messenger, reminding us that we want, and deserve, change. Reminding us that we deserve to be loved.
I’ve probably felt shame somewhere along the spectrum every day of my life. How about you?
It’s something that’s crept up on me. Didn’t think it was part of my experience. As I unravel the onion or rip apart the hand of garlic more like it, I’m finding parts of me that have suppressed out of survival. Integrating all the emotional imprints has been the most challenging work of my life. I’m afraid my readers are in for more!
Very powerful Josh. I can relate to feeling shame in one form or another every day of my life. It's definitely something I've been pondering about a lot lately, examining where did the shame imposed on me growing up come from and how did it reflect on my life later on. It's a lot to process and I'm still none the wiser.