Mental freedom really comes from providing yourself with the grace you give others.
Here’s another personal journey about self-forgiveness, forgiveness of others, boundaries and acceptance in knowing you did your best at the time.
I recently shared my journey with anxiousness and just all around being afraid to move forward in life when your comfort, although not good, is what you know. I had someone really close to me say these words and it changed everything for me:
Accept your reality.
They didn’t know this was something I had struggled with for a few years prior. I knew the reality, I was making moves to change the reality, but I hadn’t accepted it.
This time it was really about accepting my decision to move and dealing with the discomfort I felt in doing so. It is outright nasty the feelings you feel when that world of yours starts to shift. When you deal with levels of anxiety, this is hard because that What If creeps up and just sits on your shoulder. What if on one side and Move on the other (What if is the devil BTW).
Apart of this challenge into the unknown world of What If was that I hadn’t forgiven myself or people around me for the world I was leaving.
I never knew the true obstacle of forgiveness until I had to forgive myself. Not because I had harmed myself intentionally, but because my fear of the What If allowed me to stay in a reality that wasn't good for me.
What I believe to be true about forgiveness is this:
You have to forgive yourself.
It is not a one-step process to forgive anyone and often human behavior requires you to do it over and over again.
There is no magic wand for forgiveness and getting over something.
You can forgive and still set firm boundaries.
I said I was going to come back to The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and I meant it.
Don’t take anything personally and Always do your best speak directly to forgiveness.
It’s pretty straightforward so I know I’m writing n shit and could drag this out into a paragraph but like seriously…
If you show up and do your best everyday, forgive yourself.
If you recognize most of the bullshit inflicted on you by others really has nothing to do with you, forgive them people too.
'See… easy.
I’m lying. That shit is hard. Especially if the pain you felt, you know you didn't deserve, but more importantly, you aren’t used to giving yourself grace as you grow and learn.
I’ve had conversations with the people closest to me about past relationships and I never leave out my role in my own suffering or how I could have possibly changed certain things. I do that intentionally because, yes, it was bad…but how long did I deal with it? Now, this could easily turn into a downward slope of self-blaming, self-bashing and ultimately being angry or mad at myself for enduring some pretty toxic behavior but what good does that do? My therapist always pours this one on me heavy,
“You did not know what you did not know.”
Now, she doesn’t mean there was not a point when I knew a situation was not gonna work and I just kept thuggin’ it out thinking God himself would appear and make things right (was hoping for some like Moses elements, you know… letting me part the red sea or something); she means, I did not have the tools I have now to get out of the situation I knew was bad and sustain being out of it. Some shit you know ain’t right but you keep trying but if nobody told you, I will.
Bitch, you are not Dory.
Stop swimming with people who have no direction for you or themselves.
Go the other direction, please.
I could read the definition of forgiveness a thousand times and not once, did it cross my mind that I had not forgiven myself for things. It’s almost like I could not process that I had done something wrong, therefore why would I be forgiving myself. But in order to do so, or at least start the process, I had to own that many of my most challenging experiences in my life were a result of being young and flawed, resulting in offending myself with lacking some serious boundaries and not communicating my needs at the right time.
Boundary: a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.
A lack of boundaries can really be a spectrum of things… Saying yes when you want to say no, being tired and still going out, agreeing to a restaurant you don’t really want to go to (this a huge offense in my book lol), allowing people to disrespect your time and energy… the examples of lacking boundaries are endless. It usually stems from people-pleasing and more than likely you got in trouble when you were younger for not people-pleasing, which causes this behavior. You were never taught it’s okay to say no and your reason being, “because I said no”.
I had 0 boundaries with some people.
My boundaries prior to 2021:
My entire life, until I was 30 years old was without boundaries when it came to some of the people I loved. If I loved you, you could, to some degree get far out of bounds with me before I said anything. Actually, let me rephrase that. You could, to some degree get far out of bounds with me before I did anything. I always have something to say. =)
The problem with allowing anyone to disrespect your boundaries is you never really recover from it if you allow it to happen frequently. It becomes a cycle of behavior. Once it becomes a cycle, you voicing it’s a problem means nothing because in the eyes of the boundary-crossers, you let it go before so what’s wrong with you now?
No Boundary—>Disrespected—>Huge Reaction—>You’re the Problem—> Repeat.
(Gaslighting is in this sinking relation-ship of a cycle too)
This cycle happens because you felt a boundary or line was crossed, but you never communicated it was a problem to begin with. You then feel disrespected and respond based on the level of disrespect. The person on the receiving end never knew this was a line that could not be crossed and now look at you sideways like you’re Medusa with snakes coming out of your head. You then become hurt because you don’t feel seen or heard and are blamed for having emotions. Pretty poisonous stuff if you let it fester.
Now. Bad people are just bad people. So some people will come out of this cycle because they see it hurts you and they care about that. Others will continue to repeat it because they see it can control you and they care about themselves. The harsh side of this is there has to be some ownership in not having the boundary that created this pattern no matter which way the other person(s) respond and how you allow people to show up in your life. That’s the forgiveness part.
There has to be a level of forgiveness for yourself.
You were not good at communicating or setting a boundary and the aftermath of that is literal madness.
But remember, “You did not know, what you did not know.” However, now you do. So don’t do that again. I love you and want you to do better.
If you care about a relationship, you will set boundaries. If those boundaries are a problem, that is your very first sign of a red flag.
I enjoy thrills. Love carnival food, roller coasters, lil bad boy energy, jumping off shit, bungee jumping, leaping off mountains into giant sinkholes but as I’ve grown up… CAUTION. Did you just take three shots at the all-inclusive before going on the excursion? Yes? Okay, put the life jacket on before jumping in the water sis because nobody cares you used to be able to tread water when you are over 30 and drunk now.
Pay attention to the red flags in relationships. Like the flags be there sis.
Romantic relationships need boundaries, but any relationship needs boundaries. The way people talk to you, respect your time, hear your feelings and emotions, recognize your needs… all of these things show up with boundaries and communication in place.
No Boundary= Red flags start growing like weeds.
Boundary= Pesticide. Keep your dog off the lawn.
communication: a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior.
Like body language and first impressions, boundaries are one of the first ways to communicate with someone.
It is literally a manual on how you will and will not treat me.
I realized in two very different relationships of mine, I never communicated how I would accept treatment. One relationship, I was not given that opportunity to communicate it and the other, well, by the time I knew how, it was too late and every boundary I felt was violated, was never actually discussed ahead of time. In both of these experiences, the other party held responsibility for continuing their behavior towards me after I finally communicated the issues, but my lack of boundaries allowed them to keep doing it. This was because of the positions they held. I’m supposed to try to just work it out versus, yeah no… ya’ll literally just aren’t my vibe and I feel heavy and uncomfortable around you. I got there, but again, it’s another process that is not easy.
I think one of the easiest ways to weed out any “not your persons” people (I made that up) is to establish clear communication upfront and be clear about what your boundaries look like. It’s the whole you can’t build the car while you trying to drive it saying…or was that about a plane? The car needs seatbelts before passing a test to be safe to drive. Your boundaries are the seat belts in your relationship. One slam on the break and at least you didn't hit your head on the dash. You can still recover and keep driving.
Watch how people receive your boundaries. Watch what behavior follows. Angry? Pushy? Respectful? Changed behavior? See if your system of exchanging information works with theirs. If going through this process with that particular person makes you uneasy, it ain’t right.
Really, really pay attention to human behavior and interaction. It speaks so much louder than the words coming out of someone’s mouth.
I had allowed myself in some cases to completely lose myself because I was not paying attention to the interactions, having the tough conversations or looking at how other people accept themselves. That self-respect shit is real. Like really real. How can you ever expect someone to respect you when they don’t respect themselves? Boundaries have to become a thing. Anybody who lacks self-respect should be a nobody in your life until they see a therapist. Cuz like how you gonna win when you ain’t right within?
I started really focusing on forgiveness, boundaries and communication around my third year into motherhood and then really got into the thick of it when I had to set boundaries with people I knew would feel the difference the most: the people who did not respect me. A huge reason this became such a focus is because my child was watching how I interacted with people.
Some steps I took to set boundaries but also forgive included:
Choosing my words carefully
Confronting those I care about in order to have a conversation
Dealing with people in moderation
Empathizing with other people’s experiences but not letting it control my choices
Only responding to disagreement with fact-based statements and then no longer responding
Recognizing people bring to the table only what they have and what they have can stay right over there
Releasing my expectations of others and accepting who they are
Slowing down my reactions
Another great read: The Mastery of Self by Don Miguel Ruiz. He states, “When I look into the eyes of another individual I see another Authentic Self, a beautiful expression of the Divine. No matter where this person is in the process of awakening, I respect that his or her intent is just as powerful as mine, and doing so is an act of unconditional love.”
I applied this idea to others, but most importantly, to me.
My intentions were pure when I lived without strong boundaries. I forgive myself for not knowing what I did not know at the time and where I was during my process of awakening. I respect my intentions then as much as I respect them now.
To others, I recognize intentions are pure, I cannot control how they show up each day and I accept their process of awakening.
Oh shit, did I just write my own affirmations? Repeat those in the mirror 3 times while you do your morning skincare routine. Yassss.
Do the work to heal you. Do the work to heal others. Your journey is not in vain and the experiences you bring to the world are limitless. I’m on a journey of my own and that’s what makes it special.
Security: the state of being free
from danger or threat.
Purpose: the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.
Remember, with security (safety to take risk), sanity ( a clear mind) and purpose ( a reason to show up each day), you will always have your power.
Smile a little and give yourself grace as you work through your younger self. Forgive others and set boundaries based on your terms. It’s gonna look really cute on you.
Peace.