Friends, I recently found myself at the border of the next frontier. There I stood, squinting at its vast expanse, the forlorn howl of a bitter wind my only companion. I felt certain I had arrived in Siberia. Maybe Outer Mongolia. Possibly the cold, cold surface of Uranus. It was bleak, it was foreign, and it was overwhelming. I had heard tell of this unfamiliar land, but never had I dared to wander in and poke around its thickets. I had somehow, at long last, reached none other than the netherworld known as needs. And as I did, I asked that most fundamental of questions. What even are these things called needs?
As you may recall, I have been known to make the occasional mistake of confusing a thought with a feeling. Well. The plot has since thickened. I have, it turns out, also been confusing needs and wants, necessities and luxuries, strategies and needs, judgments and needs. And I have a pressing need for clarity around all of this, so thanks for hanging with me as I sort it. Friends in need are friends indeed.
Before I proceed, I wish to acknowledge that there are way too many (even just one being too many) people on this planet who struggle to meet basic survival needs for reasons beyond their control. This discussion assumes the basic freedoms and resources I wish all humans had.
Now then. Let us first pluck the lowest hanging fruit from this jumbled jungle. Need, want. Want, need. Isn’t the difference between the two a no-brainer? Needs are things we cannot survive without, wants are anything outside of sheer survival, right? Not so fast, friends. Not so fast.
In this era of convenience culture and limitless addiction possibilities, these distinctions are muddy at clearest. Take smartphones. Want or need? I’d bet you the streaming subscription of your choice that more than a few folks would prefer death over parting with their phone. And anyone who is addicted to an exogenous substance of any sort would probably land on the side of saying that their substance was no mere want.
Then there are those of us who find the nuance between want and need utterly perplexing, because we’ve so sublimated our needs that everything outside the narrow zone of physical survival seems a luxury. And of course, we have. Culture has browbeaten us into believing that having needs is…how shall I say this? Pathological. Yes, that’s the word. Or at the very least, we’ve been conditioned to believe that being in touch with needs is a character flaw that could very well lead to excommunication from the church of culture. Think about it. Is there anything ickier than being called “needy?” I’m pretty sure that in the 1970’s, needs earned the Mr. Yuk seal of disapproval, no?
And it would be a grave oversight indeed if we were to overlook the fact that there are serious cultural and gender biases behind the bad rap. American culture is shot through with the romanticism of rugged individualism and self-sufficiency, particularly for folks conditioned as male. You know that saying “a picture is worth a thousand words?” Well, try if you will, to picture the Marlboro man patiently pondering his needs as he wrestles wild stallions to the ground whilst simultaneously toking his unfiltered Marlboro, hands free.
For those of us conditioned female, chances are good that you may have earned a black belt in people-pleasing somewhere along the way, which of course demanded that you prioritize the needs of others over your own. Or perhaps you’ve gone the extra mile and deny that you have any needs whatsoever. Condolences on attaining the elite ninja skill level known as martyrdom.
And whether we go the route of Marlboro man or martyr, denying or suppressing our needs can wind us up with a nasty case of impostor syndrome, that pervasive feeling of inadequacy or fear of being exposed as a fraud. When we focus on trying to be what we think others expect, want, or even demand us to be, we enter a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle of self-abandonment and self-doubt. We are adrift on a sea of self yet thirsting to death for authenticity. Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink.
But back to needs and wants. Who makes the call about what’s a need and what’s a want? Is it purely a subjective question? There has been plenty of study and theory about this question, most notably Mr. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. But roughly speaking, psychology seems to have a broad level of agreement on what are needs and what are wants.
One simple definition I found says that needs are things considered essential to not only our survival, but our well-being, and that one way we can distinguish between the two is to consider whether the absence of something would cause harm. But that, too begs the question of what, exactly, constitutes “harm?” Isn’t that also a matter of subjectivity?
Since I am the boss of me, where I landed with this is that I get to decide what harms me, or not. I also get to decide what falls in the category of wellbeing or not. I cordially invite you to exercise the same liberty for yourself.
Now, I could just leave things right there. If we could all get to the level of authenticity and autonomy where we were truly defining our own wants and needs, surely that would be nearly enough. But we are not surface skimming here, friends. No, we are people of depth. So, pull out your scuba gear and strap it on, we’re about to go deep.
It was recently brought to my attention that everything I do is an attempt to meet a need, whether conscious or not. That’s right. We are all, all day long, just trying to get our needs met. When our needs are met, we feel something along the lines of good. When they are not, we don’t. And when we don’t feel good, we start judging, looking for somebody to blame.
We might finger someone else or ourselves as the villain, but the blame game is a cover for the hidden need. For instance, what might come out as “How the hell could anyone think re-electing a fascist criminal bigot makes sense?” really translates into “Something tells me my needs for safety, accountability and cooperation may not be met by a second Trump presidency, so I need to find other ways to ensure that they are.”
This leads me to strategies. Those things we do, consciously or unconsciously, to try to meet our needs. When we aren’t conscious and/or deliberate about strategies, they can lead us astray or split us asunder. We might unconsciously end up playing favorites with our needs, pouring a lot of effort into meeting a select few at the expense of others.
For me, this has often looked like over-extending myself with work or service to others to meet my needs for praise, validation, or respect and, in so doing, sacrificing my needs for rest, comfort and nurturance, then wondering why I’m exhausted. This sort of strategy is a zero-sum game. Shuffling deck chairs on the Titanic. Robbing Peter to pay Paul.
Sometimes we can also mistake a need-meeting strategy for the need itself. Like believing you need to be employee of the month at the local Shop-til-you-Drop to meet a need to matter. Or that you need Mr./Ms./Mx. Right to ask you to the movies to meet your needs for fun and play. Mistaking strategy for need is a setup for disappointment and unmet needs. What if Mx. Right doesn’t call, or Shop-til-you-Drop goes bust?
So, what do you think, friends? I think this is all to the good. Good to know that when I’m feeling judgy or cranky, when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad, I simply remember to look for my needs and then I don’t feel so bad (I love a good Sound of Music interlude, particularly when it illustrates meeting needs for comfort and care, and wasn’t that just what Maria was doing?). Seriously though. When we’re feeling out of sorts, we can do some gentle inquiry about what it is we really need.
Might there be a need poking out amongst the hay in your stack?
Excuse mw whilst I sit here taking notes in my new five subject notebook/journal on your writing! As I’ve mentioned I’ve been with my mom constantly the past few days following her surgery and I keep quoting bits. from your essays to her.
I’m struck by how often my anger/irritation arises when some of my needs aren’t met and I chalk it up to being tired or stressed. Perhaps if I start prioritizing these things as needs and not wants or “extras” everyone around me would benefit!
Your writing is so clever, Keith. I love all of your references, and I think I can always use this reminder to pay more attention to naming and meeting (all of) my needs.