The Masjid: Kids + Uncles
With the masjid at the center of the American Muslim community, we must identify and adopt masjid etiquettes rooted in our tradition that applies to each demographic.
The Muslim community is one big family, the Ummah of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.1 Our family consists of a wide spectrum of people of different ages, backgrounds, and perspectives. Unfortunately, as Robert Nisbet points out in his book The Quest for Community, “We are told by certain psychologists and sociologists that … the family has progressed from institution to companionship.”2 This modern ideology has influenced our expectations of community; no longer is it an institution wherein we sacrifice our comforts for the sake of building something greater than ourselves. Now we expect the community to satisfy our spiritual and social needs without requiring any substantial sacrifice in return.
“Community” is not a theoretical concept that is removed from human interaction and engagement, whether in physical or virtual spaces. For us, Western Muslims, the primary place of that work is in the masjid (mosque). While Muslim-majority countries “have that third realm of satisfaction and social cohesion beyond the portals of home and work that for others is an essential element of the good life”3 we are not so blessed. This is partly a Western phenomenon, specifically an American phenomenon, but it is especially an American Muslim problem. I mentioned in a previous article how the vast majority of Muslims in the US post-1965 came as immigrants; they built our intellectual and religious structures completely from scratch, prioritizing the masjid before establishing universities and educational centers. Today, although, Al-Humdulillah (hallelujah), we now have seminaries and community centers, our masjids still serve as the primary epicenter of Muslim life.
With such an importance on the masjid, the healthy functioning of its members (i.e., our religious family) is integral to its survival—the young and the old, those with children and those without. “To suppose that the present family, or any other group, can perpetually vitalize itself through some indwelling affectional tie, in the absence of concrete perceived functions … is plainly and irrevocably banished.”4 Frankly put, we must identify and adopt etiquettes rooted in our tradition specifically for inside the masjid, that applies to each demographic. If we do not, the Muslim community may someday also suffer a Great Dechurching.5
Parents and Children
Our children need the masjid and we need them to love the masjid. The Prophet ﷺ told us that two of the seven people who will be under Allah’s shade on the Day of Judgement are a youth who grew up with the worship of Allah and a person whose heart is attached to the masjid.6 But, this only happens via a connection—physically and emotionally—to the masjid. The role of parents, concerning this, is to ensure this happens.
Growing up, my mother (Allah bless and preserve her) clearly defined expectations around not just behavior, but also communication. Whenever we would arrive at our destination there was always a quick 30-second talk she had with us—“Alright now! When we go in there, you’d better act like you got some sense,” she would say; or, particularly if we were invited to a dinner, “Don’t go in there and act like you’ve never seen food before!” But, the opposite would also happen, when we would come home from playing with friends, “Mm Mm! Don’t talk to me like I’m one of your friends.” Later I learned that this was a standard practice in Blackamerican families. Recklessness and poor manners were not a luxury afforded to Black people, particularly during my mother’s childhood (on the heels of post-segregation), especially in the South (where my maternal grandparents were from). For my sister and I, good adab (manners) were not a choice, it was expected—from my mother and all of the other adults in our lives.
As parents, we want nothing more for our children to be healthy and feel loved, in both a secular and religious sense. We want them to be healthily adjusted and loved when engaging in society and we want them to have a healthy appreciation and connection to religion and God. That is precisely why we bring them to the masjid. Unfortunately, neither of those two things will be accomplished via accidental parenting.
In “Parenting: Gardening, not Engineering” I mentioned, “Our children are not little projects of raw material to engineer into whatever we have always wished for them; rather, they are delicate flowers gifted to us by God to care for.” We must be intentional about how we care for them and what adab we teach them. The reason my mother (and her parents before her) emphasized adab so much is because just one generation ago, in my aunt’s lifetime, you could be imprisoned for looking7 (or killed for speaking8) to someone in a socially unacceptable manner. While no longer the case, Al-Humdulillah (hallelujah), it highlights the importance and potential ramifications of adab on a community. The responsibility of parents to equip our children with the social skills to contribute to community life in a way that engenders a positive feedback loop of love—from their good adab people enjoy their company, thus show them love, which subsequently makes them feel love and want to spend more time in the masjid.
Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was both a father and grandfather. As far I know, there are not any hadith (prophetic narrations) of him giving his offspring any pre-masjid speeches. The hadith of him ﷺ interacting with children and youth—like Anas b. Malik (radiAllahu ‘anhu, Allah be pleased with him), who served the Prophet ﷺ for ten years—are always gentle and loving, prioritizing efficacy over expediency. Tarbiya, or the process of cultivating adab, especially with children, is a process that happens over time. We cannot expect that by giving our children one stern speech before entering the masjid, or even after they misbehave in the musalla (prayer hall), our children will miraculously become little angels. Therefore, if we are prioritizing the overall behavior change, we should prioritize a prophetic approach. We pray around our children and teach them the adab to appreciate its sanctity. Furthermore, we should bring our children to the masjid as much as possible. The only way they will learn to distinguish when and where they are allowed to play, and when they cannot, is via time. Lecturing, particularly when something takes place, should function as a reminder more than anything else.
Fellow Congregants
My childhood masjid growing up (Dar Al-Hijrah Islamic Center) was predominantly Palestinian and Somali. I vividly remember Amo Samir Abo Issa (the Executive Director) inviting me into his back office to count donations, the late Amo Dr. Mahmoud Abdi Nour (rahimahullah—Allah have mercy on him) defending my right to pray in the front row (despite the contradictions of other elders account of my dirty socks), and Amo Mohammed Elidrissi inviting me to repeatedly into his home to sit at the dinner table with his family like a son. Although I was one of maybe only three to five Blackamerican kids that frequented the masjid, I never felt othered. These men took me in and treated me like their own son and, because of it, even in the absence of my friends, I loved being at the masjid with them. Allah bless them all!
I pray every child in our community has a similar experience, and I believe that this was the experience of children in the masjid of the Prophet ﷺ. Abdullah b. Shaddad narrated,
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ came out to us for one of the nighttime prayers, and he was carrying Hasan or Husain. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ came forward and put him down, then he said the Takbir and started to pray. He prostrated during his prayer, and made the prostration lengthy." My father said: "I raised my head and saw the child on the back of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ while he was prostrating so I went back to my prostration. When the Messenger of Allah ﷺ finished praying, the people said: "O Messenger of Allah ﷺ, you prostrated during the prayer for so long that we thought that something had happened or that you were receiving a revelation.” He said: “No such thing happened. But my son was riding on my back and I did not like to disturb him until he had enough.”9
From this vignette, we can focus on two different perspectives pertinent to our discussion: the Prophet ﷺ and the companions.
The Prophet ﷺ
He ﷺ was the best of creation and a mercy to all of mankind,10 including children. Anas b. Malik said, “He ﷺ never said to me, ‘Uf’ (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, ‘Why did you do so or why didn't you do so?’”11—also carried over to his masjid ﷺ. The children were welcome. Not only did they feel comfortable being in the masjid, as he ﷺ carried his grandsons (radiAllahu ‘anhm) to the prayer and placed them on the floor next to him, they felt comfortable playing during the prayer as well.
In Islam, we believe the speech and actions of the Prophet ﷺ are revelations revealed to him by Allah.12 We are blessed to have this example to learn how to be with Allah and with creation. The Prophetic example, of the merciful loving grandfather, was also manifest in how he was as a leader ﷺ. When the Sahaba questioned him ﷺ about the delayed prayer, the Prophet ﷺ was not embarrassed by his grandchildren’s disrupting prayer; rather, he prioritized the children’s feelings over the community’s. He told the Sahaba, “My son was riding on my back and I did not like to disturb him until he had enough.”
Our community must be a space for everyone, elders and young. To build healthy institutions, our leadership must guide the community to embrace an intentionally nuanced and holistic approach—holding both perspectives of our community’s interdependence, children (and their parents) as well as congregants without dependents in the masjid. How leadership goes about that is incredibly important, both in language and disposition. Undoubtedly, having khusho’ (tranquility) in prayer is something we all aspire towards, but never at the expense of harming another. Our responsibility, as people entrusted with the community’s spiritual well-being, is to hold the tension between ensuring parents and their children feel comfortable in the masjid while simultaneously ensuring that adab is maintained and those without children in the masjid feel comfortable. Al-Habib ﷺ did not reprimand Hasan and Husain for playing in the musalla, he accommodated them, just as he accommodated parents. He ﷺ said, "Whenever I start the prayer I intend to prolong it, but on hearing the cries of a child, I cut short the prayer because I know that the cries of the child will incite its mother's passions."13
The Sahaba
Leading by example, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ showed his companions how to be in community compassionately. When the Prophet ﷺ prolonged his prayer Shaddad b. Al-Haad was worried. He said, “I raised my head and saw the child on the back of the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) while he was prostrating so I went back to my prostration.” Shaddad’s concern was the Prophet ﷺ—that something had happened or that he ﷺ was receiving revelation—and it was only when he saw the Prophet ﷺ was ok, that he lowered his head and returned to salah. Shaddad followed the Prophet’s lead ﷺ. Neither he nor anyone else left the prayer to remove Hasan and Husain, no one shushed them, and no one spoke disparagingly to their family afterwards. The companions, the best generation, were more concerned about learning from the Prophet ﷺ and not perfection in their khusho’.
How we think about others, particularly while we are in salah, is extremely important. Allah tells us in the Quran, “You will never achieve righteousness until you donate some of what you cherish. And whatever you give is certainly well known to Allah.”14 The righteousness we are seeking through concentration in our salah cannot be with narcissistic hearts. We must have enough prophetic love and tenderness so that when masjid conditions are less than favorable we can have a positive outlook. Thus, when our concentration is distracted by children crying or playing, how do we think and feel about the children or their parents? Are we annoyed, cursing them for the remainder of the prayer (focusing on everything but Allah), or are we empathic, praying for them? Our internal disposition (i.e., the condition of our hearts, thoughts, and feelings) inevitably manifests in our external disposition (i.e., our actions). The consequence of our disposition and actions, especially if we respond aggressively or insensitively, could draw a family closer to the masjid, as the amos (uncles) did for me, or push them away. Allah protect us all!
Our culture has shifted from being collectivistic to individualistic, prioritizing the pursuit of individual interests or rights rather than common or collective ones,15 and it has infiltrated our masjids. But, this is not the case everywhere. My childhood masjid had a youth gym in the basement and this is something we are seeing more and more. We have to decide what we want for our communities here in America. How will we raise the next generation of our community and to what efforts will we ensure they have a connection with the masjid? Parents, leadership, and fellow congregation members without children in the masjid are all interdependent in establishing a beautiful prophetic community. While I believe that we need to find ways for all demographics to interact together, having specific areas for children or parents with small children is a wonderful start. Nevertheless, our adab with (and empathy for) others affects the community's ability to be an institution of love and service for everyone, including our children. My fear is, as a sign in a Turkish masjid said, “If there are no sounds of children laughing in the back as you are praying, fear for the next generation.”16
“People do not live together merely to be together. They live together to do something together.” — Ortega y Gasset (d. 1955)17
Call to Action
Leadership
Embrace the complexity of both perspectives, parents and community members, and lead with loving compassion.
Educate the community on the masjid during the Prophet’s lifetime ﷺ.
Designate an area for parents with small children and one for older children to be supervised.
Parents
Establish rules of conduct around salah at home for your children
Bring your children to the masjid frequently, but remind them of the established adab surrounding salah and make sure they are with you at all times.
Outside of prayer times, give children the freedom to have fun.
Community Members
Have love and compassion for children and their parents by making dua for them and interacting with them mercifully.
Give nasiha to children—separating unruly children in the prayer row before salah and acknowledging children exhibiting good adab.
The Ummah being a family is specifically highlighted by the Prophet ﷺ when he told the Sahaba (companions), “I wish we see my brothers." The Companions said, "O Messenger of Allah! Are not we your brothers?" He (ﷺ) said, "You are my Companions, but my brothers are those who have not come into the world yet." See, Riyad Al-Salihin 1029.
Nisbet, Robert. The Quest for Community: A Study in the Ethics of Order and Freedom. Washington D.C.: Regnery Gateway, 1953., 53.
Oldenburg, Ray. The Great Good Place: Cafes, Coffee Shops, Bookstores, Bars, Hair Solons and Other Hangouts At The Heart of Community. New York, NY: Marlowe & Company, 1989. 9.
Nisbet, The Quest for Community, 53.
Smietana, Bob. “The Great Dechurching looks at why people are leaving churches”. Washington Post. September 15, 2023. https://www.washingtonpost.com/religion/2023/09/15/christianity-church-attendance-decline/
Berry, Mary Frances. “‘Reckless Eyeballing’: The Matt Ingram Case and the Denial of African American Sexual Freedom.” The Journal of African American History 93, no. 2 (2008): 223–34. http://www.jstor.org/stable/25609969.
“The Murder of Emmett Till”. Library of Congress. Accessed Febuary 19, 2024. https://www.loc.gov/collections/civil-rights-history-project/articles-and-essays/murder-of-emmett-till/
Quran 21:107.
Quran 53:3–4.
Quran 3:92.
Dictionary.com Dictionary, s.v. “individualistic,” accessed February 22, 2024, https://www.dictionary.com/browse/individualistic.
Husain, Ed (@Ed_Husain). “Mosque in Turkey: 'Dear Muslims, if there are no sounds of children laughing in the back as you are praying, fear for the next generation'”. Twitter. September 3, 2017, 7:50am.
Nisbet, The Quest for Community, 53.
جزاك الله خير شيخنا..
I often wonder about this. I remember I was at the masjid with my nephew for Jummah, and when I finished I told my nephew: "Yallah, now we pray the sunnah.." and I noticed my nephew taking it and getting up slowly.. An old man next to us saw this conversation and took my nephew and put his hand on his shoulder and said: "الله يرضى عليك يا ابني, listen to your uncle and pray the sunnah so that Allah accepts your Salah and fix any shortcomings.." and kissed him... And I never felt I've received a bigger lesson..
We hear the elders complain about the young kids running around, but they also talk about the kids not being in the masjids 'like before'... Imams should raise awareness towards this balance like you did.. May Allah increase you علمًا وفهمًا...