If you ask parents what they ultimately want for their child, a common reply is, “I want them to be happy” or “I want them to feel fulfilled and be successful.”
Of course happiness, success, and fulfillment looks different for each child and is unique to each human being. Owning a 22-room mansion with a garage filled with fancy cars and a big pool in a giant yard may be one person’s idea of heaven and another’s version of hell.
Last night, I encountered an interesting example of how ‘fulfillment’ is unique to individuals: I watched Canadian comedian Mae Martin’s clever stand-up special SAP. In it, Martin reveals that she identifies as non-binary and recently had top surgery. She also reveals that last year was one of the best years of her life because she felt most like her true self. She says something like, “I’m 35 years old but, yet, this past year was the most ‘me’ I’ve ever felt.”
And, I suppose that’s what we’re all aiming for, right? To feel most like our authentic true selves and for our children to feel the same. However, how we help them achieve this goal can be complicated. Here are some tips to help make this happen in an organic way:
Agency Matters: It starts with giving our kids agency over their lives. When we allow children (even toddlers and babies) to make meaningful choices and back them up when they don’t want to do something scary or uncomfortable (unless it’s a life threatening need), we show them that their feelings, opinions, and desires are valid.
The L Word: We also need to really listen when children talk and express their opinions. We may not agree with their viewpoint or politics but, again, each person deserves to have their own identity. And, we all know that when it comes to identity, we should not force our children to follow a certain path just because it’s the family tradition. Maybe Johnny wants to be a ballet dancer instead of a football player and Irina wants to be a graphic designer not a lawyer? The idea is that we work with our children to help guide them down the path that makes sense for them.
Doing What’s Right: As much as we want our children to show us their true selves and confide in us, we are still their parents and need to provide gentle guidance, nurturing, and leadership. So, whether you choose to “unschool” your kid because they’re getting bullied; honour a “no-Wi-Fi Friday” because being unplugged is good for our brains; or focus on embracing nature and outdoor survival skills, making careful choices about what tactics, principles, and values we’re instilling in our children matters. You see, our wisdom & experience matters too!
Ignoring the Voices:
An earlier edition of this newsletter focused on “the myth of normal” and how trauma informs our actions. As parents, it’s important to take a step back and recognize that family patterns of behaviour, while satisfying and easy to follow at times, are not always right. Doing things “because they’ve always been done that way” allows the past and other people’s opinions & traditions to control and inform you, your family, and your children. Of course completely ignoring the advice of friends and relatives — as well as the opinion of your partner/spouse if you have one — isn’t prudent or advised but, identifying how certain rules and traditions do or don’t serve you is vitally important.
Do you agree with the above? What’s your best advice for getting your child to their finish line with one’s integrity and personhood in tact? I’d love to hear from you.
Yours in peaceful parenting,
Lisa
p.s. You may have noticed that KidsAndMentalHealth.com is down right now. I’ve let the site go dark but it should be up and running some time soon.