How to make new friends as an adult
Especially when you relocate to a new country, and even if you think you don't need new friends.
A few newsletters ago, I shared about my theory of friendships, which in summary is that friendships rely on a mix of repeated exposure, vulnerability, commitment, and shared experiences/interests/values.
Based on this theory, I want to share some tips for making friends, especially in adulthood, and especially if you have relocated (or are planning to relocate).
Repeated exposure
My idea of repeated exposure as a basis for building friendship rest on the psychological concept called the "mere exposure effect". The basic idea is that we like things simply because we are more familiar with them.
By this logic, constantly seeing a particular person increases the likelihood that you become friends. For example, think of the people you see a lot at the gym, or in church, or at school.
Many of your childhood friends became your friends because you had this forced area of seeing each other 5 days a week. The people you saw in school and on the weekends—maybe because you lived on the same street or went to the same church or mosque—were also more likely to be your friends.
For most friendships, the other three pillars build upon the foundation of repeated exposure (there might be exceptions where vulnerability comes first).
Shared experiences / values / interests
This pillar is also the one that is most strongly tied with repeated exposure. See the above examples of school, church, gym, or mosque. Being in these shared spaces regularly already establishes shared experiences and interests.
You talk with people in your school and find that you have other shared interests and values and you become closer friends. You share links, tips, resources, and you discuss.
When you’re younger, the situations for you to make friends is created for you. Primary school, secondary school, university. You are forced to be together in these environment and you are mostly experiencing the same thing. Then you find people that you share values and interests with and these people become your core.
But after university, the size of those opportunities drastically reduce, so your circles of friendship possibilities shrink. And you have to put in extra effort to widen your circle.
How repeated exposure and shared experiences/values/interests can help you make friends
Be consistent with showing up to meet with the same people as much as possible
Start wide and go to multiple groups and communities. Don’t be afraid to explore potential new interests
some ideas: hiking groups, church, mosque, travel groups, professional communities, book club, bible study group, group friends of friends, other people who recently relocated, parents, football playing group, basketball playing group etc.
Narrow down your selection to 3-4 communities to focus on at a time and show up for as many meetups or events in these communities as you can
When you go to these meetups, don’t just hang around. Pick one or two people to talk with. Ask them questions and also talk about yourself. Learn the art of small talk
Connect with people outside of these meetups. If there’s someone you really hit it with, get their number or email and actually send them a message and plan some time to meet outside of the group setup. Sometimes, you have to put in extra effort. Be persistent but not forceful
If you can’t find a community, take on the challenge to be the one who builds the community and connect people
Volunteer somewhere for a cause you care about
Vulnerability
This is the part where most people get stuck and are unable to cross over because vulnerability is a risk. The literal definition is “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”
But it’s a risk worth taking. Because most times, on the other side of vulnerability is love. You have to go beyond attending meetups and going to events and take the risk to talk with someone and ask them for their phone number. You have to take another step and ask them to grab lunch with you or join you in an activity.
You have to be willing to be vulnerable with others. There’s no relationship that can be built without some level of vulnerability.
Allow others to show up for you and ask for help when you need it. This also “tests” your assessment of the relationship. I don’t mean test in the way of testing someone where you conjure up a fake scenario or manipulate something. I mean this in the sense that when you’re actually going through something, are you able to ask for someone’s help and are they able to show up for you somehow. Do they check in on you.
Commitment
the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.
Be dedicated to the people you’re choosing. Friendship is two people deciding to love each other and show up for each other and care for each other. Love people how they want to be loved.
This involves showing up for them. When someone has a birthday, show up. When they’re hosting, attend, even if you only have 1 hour to spare. If they’re moving houses, help them move. If they’re apartment hunting, send them links to apartments you see. If they’re job searching, help them review their CV or do mock interviews with them or connect them with someone who can help.
Commitment is the other side of the vulnerability coin. The both of them feed into each other
How vulnerability and commitment can help you make friends
Take the step to call/text someone and invite them to hangout (not in a group)
If they’re unavailable the first time, try again. If they’re still unavailable, try again. If they’re still unavailable, maybe you can let it go
Ask for help
Help others out
Show up for people even when it’s inconvenient
The most important thing is to be open to the possibility of new friendships. Even if you feel like you have more than enough friends, be open to the possibility of more. There is abundance, and there is always room for more. In her 50s, my mum made new friends. There’s no limit on the number of friends you can have. And as you go through life people will move up and down the concentric circles of relationships. Yes you may get your heart broken sometimes, but you’ll also experience more love than you think is possible.