I am not the Mother I thought I would be...
Owning up and accepting all the ways I differ from my expectations on this Motherhood journey...
Hello… I am Lauren, a Mother of two daughters, a Coach, Soulful Business Mentor, Writer, Creator, Sacred Space Holder and multi dimensional human being. I support those forever changed by Matrescence and the journey of Motherhood. Please do subscribe to join the journey…
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Hello friend,
How is your heart today? Please take this question as an opportunity to tune in with yourself and honour how you are really feeling right now.
I was walking round the lake with my daughters on Monday morning - it is a regular rhythm we have as the baby has her morning nap, we all get some fresh air, Sophia (my 4 year old) and I have a leg stretch and move our bodies, and we get our dose of nature to ground down for the week ahead - and I found myself distracted, distant, a little bit… numb.
The GP had just called me to discuss the baby’s reflux and allergies - we are still figuring stuff out (or perhaps not - it seems a bit of a challenge at the moment to be honest) - and I was trying to keep her asleep, concentrate on the phone conversation, field off questions from Sophia and keep an eye on her around the lake, and also keep my emotions relatively contained because I have been feeling a little flat, a little deflated… a little exhausted by the continual struggle of navigating the internal questioning of ‘what is wrong with my baby?’
I was short with Sophia. I wasn’t present with her. I was trying to hold too many things at once.
We walked back to the house, my mind in a million different places - definitely not in the ‘now’ - and after peeling off waterproofs and soggy socks I stood alone in the kitchen for a moment feeling heavy…
All I could think was… ‘I am not the Mother I thought I would be’.
Scrabbling around for an old notebook in that moment, I knew I needed to write and explore just what I was feeling. So this piece is an admission, an acknowledgement, an orientation to my reality…
I am not the Mother I thought I would be.
I didn’t birth either of my babies the way I hoped. I wanted to breastfeed exclusively… and I didn’t. My initial post partum periods weren’t a sacred as I imagined.
I raise my voice way more than I would like to. My reactions are often sharp and short. I lose my patience (too) often. My tolerance for touch is low at times.
I am distracted a lot. Too much time spent on my phone, too much ‘juggling (dancing)’, too much social media. Too much involvement in the outside world and not enough within at times.
I outsource my decisions around Mothering to experts more than I hoped. My ‘mother’s intuition’ often feels like it has been hijacked. It is way harder to stay in tune with my own inner guidance than I thought it would be.
I don’t feed my children as much home cooked food as I wished - especially this second time around.
I find it hard to keep the lines clean between my work and my parenting. When I am with my babies I am often thinking about work.
Often - being in my work feels so much easier than being IN my Mothering. I didn’t know I would feel like that.
I feel way more guilt than I expected. I wish away the time a lot - and then I feel so much sadness about that. I often go to bed feeling like I have ‘failed’ somehow and promise myself that I will do better the next day.
I don’t take time away to fill my cup as I know I need to. Somehow it is way harder than I thought it would be to prioritise my own self tending.
I can’t always contain my frustration in front of my babies. I have argued with my husband in front of them, slammed cupboard doors loudly, and even threw a (plastic) plate of peas once in a moment of rage (at the table not at a child I would like to add!).
I find myself slipping into marytrdom more than I thought I would. I feel resentment and rage and a full spectrum of dark and grimy emotions that I didn’t expect to feel.
I often feel like I am drowning in Motherhood. I have lost myself time and time again. I thought I knew myself before… it is clear to me now that I really didn’t.
I am not the Mother I thought I would be.
My expectations of myself have been shattered.
Obliterated in fact.
BUT… despite witnessing all that I am not and that I hoped I would be… I can also see the many things that I AM.
I am a human, showing my daughters how to be imperfectly, chaotically real and raw. I hope that this means they never feel unable to show their full spectrum of humanness.
I am excellent at apologising - when I definitely wasn’t before. While I make mistakes, raise my voice, say the ‘wrong’ thing… I also am quick to see my errors and I apologise for it.
I am learning every single day - and I am open to that learning. I know that I am by no means a finished article and need these little beings to teach me way more than I can ever teach them. Day by day they crack my heart open and make me a better person.
I am modeling to them what it is to live a creative life - a life that is on my own terms, flexible in timing and nourishing to my soul. They see me making my art, designing for clients, writing, creating food… dancing, singing… using life as my canvas. I hope they can prioritise their creative visions as time goes on.
I am holding their big feelings as well as my own - not always ‘perfectly’ but more often than not well ‘enough’, and I hope this helps them to develop a level of emotional intelligence that wasn't taught to me.
I am showing them what it looks like to rest, to slow down, to be ‘bored’ at times, to not get swept up the hustle of the world.
I am sharing with them my love for living seasonally, in line with the moon and the stars and the earth and I hope that will help them stay connected to themselves and the rhythms around them as they grow.
I am encouraging them to be their most unique selves, seeing them as truly individual beings and honouring the different ways they exist in the world (one is an Emotional Manifestor and one is a Splenic Projector in Human Design). My wish is that they never feel they have to fit a certain mould.
I am doing my best. I am truthful, transparent, I am open with them.
I am meeting myself with grace and compassion and I hope that by doing that I am teaching them to be kind to themselves.
I am a real, messy, loving, creative Mother.
I am their Mother.
I have found my lost self in the winding paths that Motherhood has taken me down - and I will never not feel grateful for that.
I hope that you can see all of the wonderful things that you are.
Until next time beautiful soul,
With so much love
Lauren
xxx
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If you feel called to share this with other like minded Mothers I would be so grateful.
Lauren, I don’t even have words for this. Literally. The other day I wrote the EXACT words of the title of this post in my notes and began attempting to write down what was swirling in my mind around it. But the words just wouldn’t come. It almost felt too painful to admit to myself that I’m not the mother I thought or I hoped I would be.
I can relate to ALL of things you shared in the first half... meaning that surely the parts in the second half are true for me too.
It’s so easy to focus all our attention on the things we’re doing ‘wrong’ or how much we yelled that day... but there are so many beautiful, profound moments too. Way more in fact.
Thank you for sharing such a raw and real post. It put into words something I couldn’t and has provided the soothing medicine I needed today 🤍
“I am a human, showing my daughters how to be imperfectly, chaotically real and raw. I hope that this means they never feel unable to show their full spectrum of humanness.”
All. Of. This. You’ve captured so much of what I think and feel, and I’m grateful for that 💛