“Listen to the Words Coming Out of My Mouth”
Chaos erupts behind the crowded deli counter as the “chefs” (in this deli, every worker is a “chef”) shout and curse at each other. In a long line stretching out the front door, the customers helplessly await their food while watching the scene unfold.
“Cousin” Richie, the de facto manager, thinks he’s in charge, but really, he’s out of control. He deeply resents the troubled new owner who dreams of turning the deli into a Michelin-star restaurant.
Richie loudly swears at the staff, in front of the customers, in a vain attempt to show he has control. Finally, he throws his arms up and yells out emphatically, "LISTEN TO THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH!" No one pays attention.
This scene, from the third episode of the first season of "The Bear," the widely acclaimed show currently streaming on Hulu, is a miniature representation of the entire first season.
Season 2 of The Bear just dropped recently, and we’ll explore more themes from this show in future editions of Leadership Bebop. In this article, I want to focus on one of the central themes from Season 1.
The show heaps portions of loud, high-stress, obscenity-laced exchanges, with coworkers yelling over each other, barking orders, making demands, and calling each other names. It also delivers tender moments of powerful emotion and heartfelt effort to build relationships and find meaning and purpose in the messiness and complexities of everyday life.
Increasing Levels of Workplace Stress
The Bear accurately reflects many people's struggles in their jobs and shows how communication and conflict are handled in many modern workplaces.
Two executives I work with recently reported serious communication issues within their organizations. The first, a nonprofit executive, described how a small minority of the governing board had resorted to shouting and belittling the other directors to push through their agenda.
The other, a newly hired CEO, discovered that the company’s HR manager had started yelling at employees in the office in full display of the office staff.
These anecdotes are not isolated; they seem part of a larger pattern.
The 2023 State of the Global Workplace Report was just recently published, and while some indicators showed improvement, the levels of workplace stress in the United States and Canada increased yet again. In the 2023 report, 52% of workers in the U.S. and Canada said they experienced stress a lot the previous day.[1]
The 2022 Report also showed employees experiencing more stress than ever before, with 50% of those surveyed reporting consistent stress the day prior. The United States and Canada region – even though it has the highest levels of engagement -- had the most stressed-out workers, both in the 2022 and 2023 reports. The 2022 report also showed an astonishing 60% of participants feeling "emotionally detached" and 19% feeling "miserable.”[2]
Transforming Conflict Into Constructive Conversations
There is no shortage of advice, recommendations, and formal programs attempting to deal with the increasing levels of stress and conflict in the workplace. But not all efforts are proving to be effective. Some seem to be counterproductive.
And indeed, how an organization chooses to treat conflict situations can profoundly influence stress levels in the workplace. Processes that treat all conflict situations as inherently bad and needing some form of intervention can simultaneously reduce conflict (at least outwardly) while increasing stress levels.
And by focusing on the suppression or “management” of conflict situations, companies may be stifling innovation and creativity.
Constructive Conflict Engagement
Rather than viewing workplace conflict as something to be avoided at all costs or even “managed,” it may be more beneficial to accept it as a natural and beneficial part of the human experience and learn how to engage with it constructively.
By utilizing this approach, organizations can save both time and money that would otherwise be spent on ineffective conflict “solutions” (often framed in a legal or HR context) that only lead to greater hassles and expenses down the road.
A constructive conflict engagement approach allows for vital resources, including human effort and organizational "energy," to be used better by creating a more collaborative and productive workplace that furthers the organization's mission and goals.
Transforming conflict into constructive conversations begins with effective listening. What is ‘effective listening?’ Put another way, how do you know if your listening is effective? It’s not about technique, "style, " emotional intelligence, empathy, or other aspects of the listener’s mindset and behavior. Those may be important and contribute to effective listening, but the only true test is whether the other person feels heard.
This brings us back to the small, crowded Chicago deli featured in the TV series The Bear.
“Heard, Chef”
“The Bear,” created by Christopher Storer, centers on award-winning “rising star” chef Carmen “Carmy” Berzatto (Jeremy Allen White), who leaves the fine dining world to run the small, disorganized, financially strapped Chicago deli left to him by his older brother Michael (Jon Bernthal), who died by suicide.
The show offers an intense, raw, ultra-realistic portrayal of the hustle and bustle of the deli and the heartfelt stories of its peculiar staff. Viewers are treated to lingering close-ups, still shots, and vignettes of a broken egg on the floor, grimy appliances, barely functioning equipment, an exploding toilet, and raucous customers. Each episode is only 30 minutes long but leaves you feeling like you just survived a grueling 12-hour shift in the cramped Chicago deli (named “The Beef” in Season 1).
In the closing scene of the first episode, Carmy, looking tired and worn out, asks the deli’s baker, Marcus (Lionel Boyce), for a block of parmesan cheese. Marcus responds with an affirmation common in the restaurant industry: "Heard, Chef."
“You Just Didn’t Listen”
One central theme in The Bear is the characters’ shared desire for the restaurant to succeed and their efforts to make this happen despite the dysfunctional workplace and numerous other challenges. Yet, while the show prominently features the acknowledgments, "yes, chef,” and "heard, chef," clearly, the characters do not feel heard.
In Season 1, in a desperate attempt to bring some order to the deli, Carmy appoints a young, ambitious new hire, Sydney (Ayo Edebiri), as sous-chef and tells her to introduce a “French brigade” hierarchy used in more upscale establishments. Sydney attempts to persuade Carmy against this idea, but he insists.
While some employees, including Marcus, the baker, seem intrigued by the new system, others are unenthusiastic. To show her dissent, Tina (Liza Colón-Zayas) pretends not to understand English.
Midway through the episode, Carmy hastily exits the deli, leaving Sydney to enforce the new scheme, though it is clear the staff is not fully prepared for the change.
At the end of the shift, Carmy joins Sydney, who is sitting outside the deli. During their exchange, Sydney homes in on this theme of not feeling heard:
When I said I didn’t think the brigade was a good idea, you didn't listen. And it's not that you told me that I had to. That's fine. Whatever. But… But you just didn't really listen.
And… If this is going to work the way that we both want it to work I, I mean, I think we should probably try to listen to each other.
The Bear is a compelling example of the complexities of workplace communication and how someone's interpretation of whether they are listening can differ greatly from whether a colleague actually feels heard.
Coming Soon: Part II – New Research On Listening Effectiveness at Work
A recent study on workplace communication explores this distinction in detail, demonstrating that engaged listening is sufficient for someone to feel heard in some situations. In other situations, though, acknowledging someone during the initial exchange and demonstrating good listening may be inadequate. In these situations, taking action or following through on expectations may be required for the other person to feel heard.
In Part II of this series, I examine the recent study of workplace communication, emphasizing the significance of listening and the various contexts that affect employees' impressions of being heard (or unheard) in workplace conversations.
What has your experience been with listening in the workplace? How often do you feel heard? Are there times when you might be acknowledging someone, perhaps even listening attentively, but more is needed to make the other person really feel heard?
Connect with me on LinkedIn (or your favorite social media platform), and let me know your thoughts. Also, please check out my companion Leadership Bebop podcast at leadershipbebop.com. And if you’ve watched The Bear, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the show.
[1] Gallup, State of the Global Workplace: 2023 Report. Retrieved July 5, 2023, from https://www.gallup.com/workplace/349484/state-of-the-global-workplace-2022-report.aspx.
[2] Barker, R. (2022, June 14). Workplace stress hits record high in 2022 Gallup poll - fast company. Stressed out and miserable at work? You have lots of company. Retrieved July 5, 2023, from https://www.fastcompany.com/90761116/workplace-stress-2022-gallup-survey-employees.
I’m so glad I’m not alone in my obsession with leadership lessons from “The Bear.” My wife and I blew through both seasons, and I feel like I just returned from a leadership retreat. There’s something about restaurant work that blends high standards of self-respect with servant leadership in a compelling way.