Welcome to this edition of Liminal Walker Musings!
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Dear ones,
If you are a new subscriber, WELCOME! The other day my husband and I had one of our after breakfast round table discussions as we drank our tea. Many times, these conversations end up here as a topic. Today we will be looking into the liminality of healing. What is healing? What does it mean to be healed?
Healing Does not Equal Fixing!
As we conversed, we dug deeper into this polarity around the concept of “healing”. On one side there is feeling like a victim to one’s symptoms, diagnosis and/or prognosis. The other side being hyper vigilant about fixing and remedying the problem. They play off each other.
Yet, what is in the middle? In our high pace consumer driven world, quick fixes can seem very appealing. But when it comes to our health and well-being, the slower road as reweaving can be a better option. Inviting us to find our wild self again, discovering our connection with life, our greater ecosystem.
WHAT DOES “HEALING” LOOK LIKE?
Is it simply symptom free? That may work if an issue is more acute. But what about chronic concerns? We are complex beings with numerous moving parts. Issues show up in our bodies, our mental and emotional states, vitality and spiritual nature. Everything is connected, inviting us to dive deeper into the bigger picture.
HEALING IS NOT ALWAYS WHAT WE THINK IT IS
Our illnesses, wounds, addictions, fears and sense of feeling broken are not wrong or bad. They are signals and messages, letting us know something needs our attention. Catalysts inviting us into new examinations and ways of living, thinking, being in relationship, etc.
KINTSUGI
Based on the Japanese philosophy of Wabi-Sabi, kintsugi is the practice of joining broken pieces of pottery together with gold. Seeing beauty in what is flawed and/or incomplete. Augmenting the cracks with the illuminations of gold, as a wonderful means of honoring the fragility of life. How can we add gold to the fissures and fractures in our own lives?
Personal Experience
In my later teens and into my early twenties, I had an eating disorder where I literally saw both sides of the scale, being overweight and anorexic. I was completely addicted to food! Like an addict to drugs! I lived my life to eat, yet ironically it was consuming me.
Over this five-year period, I spent about two years starving. Being super vigilant, regimented around every meal. Counting calories, weighing myself incessantly. I was extremely skinny, actually skeletal and did not have a menstrual cycle for eighteen months. The other part of this time I vacillated between indulging and denying, till all I did was just binge, gaining a lot of weight.
Around the age of 23 I entered a twelve-step program, the start of a long journey that lasted several years, this is what I learned…
HEALING IS NOT…
About fixing the symptoms by just changing behavior. For me there was trauma that needed to be seen and met. An emotional and spiritual hole in my belly, that I kept trying to fill with food. Therapy, meditation and spiritual exploration is what helped.
One size fits all. I had to learn how to have a clean relationship with eating. Dieting was not going to work. Not having any guidelines wasn’t a good idea either. I was in new territory, needing to let my body teach me. It involving a lot of inner listening, as well as trial and error. I needed to make mistakes, learn from them and not take them personally.
A set time frame. This was a slow process. I was learning a new way to live and eat that could last the rest of my life. Not just till I “got better” and then…?
A straight line, linear. I had setbacks and breakthroughs. It was hard, challenging and took a lot of work. But I discovered that I was worth that effort. One step at a time.
A task to accomplish and then it check off. It is a ongoing practice.
Today, I have a healthy relationship with food. And my true voice came forward, the nagging compulsion in my head was gone! Grateful that this no longer runs my life!
Another Personal experience
When I was in my early forties, I came down with a health issue that was so depleting I couldn’t work. I had to leave my job and ending up in bed for a whole year. No one was able to determine the exact cause or treatment. Which was extremely frustrating!
Allopathic doctors did find issues with my thyroid but not enough to give me medicine for it. In retrospect, I am glad it worked out that way. Yet back then I just wanted an answer to hold on to. I tried several alternative methods that did not work for me. Till I came across Ayurveda.
Working with the Ayurvedic Institute in New Mexico was my saving grace. The good news was I received a diagnosis, which was adrenal depletion. The bad news was there was no instant curative or remedy. Yet I was coming to realize I wanted a deeper healing, one of harmony between my mind, body, and spirit. As well as with all the elements of life.
This meant I needed to reconnect with my body, with its natural cycles. To look deeper into my daily living habits and the choices I was making. For example, as much as I ate well, some of the foods I was consuming were not good for me based on my body type/constitution. This was a time of examining the many facets of my life. What I also discovered…
HEALING IS NOT…
One pill for optimal health. The patient is not in isolation. But in a community called life! It was an invitation to become more attuned to the seasons and cycles inwardly and outwardly.
Just about the physical body. This was a Wholistic process, involving my spiritual, mental and emotional natures. As well as looking into my environment, relationships, sleep patterns, my attitudes around work and career that pushed me hard, etc.
About making life comply. I needed to align with life rather than force it into what I wanted.
All about Science. (I have a degree in Science BTW). There are many other factors that come into play. Like LOVE! Self-care, paying attention to my intuition, abiding by the wisdom of my body.
About getting back to where I was before. Life is impermanent, things fall away, change and evolve. It’s about being what I am meant to be. Seeing what has been in the way of that.
One approach fits all. Each person’s physiology and psychology are unique. There are many things to consider like current lifestyle, underlying issues, etc. Important to not compare oneself to another’s journey.
After a year or so I was able to start working and being active again. Today I am keenly aware of what keeps me in balance, and what sends me over the edge. I have learned to walk a fine line. Asking questions like, what does my human need right now? What self-care is being called for. And then doing that.
The Biggest Discovery
There is power within these maladies and broken places…the gift of alchemy. The capacity to open to an unexpected healing. A restoration, a transfiguration we did not even know we needed or wanted. By not analyzing, fixing, or isolating, an alchemical medicine can be generated. This may cause the symptoms to go away, or not, treatment may be necessary. At the same time, not everything needs to be healed. Sensitivity can be a superpower, grief can create space for more love. We can be a catalyst for others’ transformation in amazing and unforeseen ways. We are a community after all!
Questions for you:
What gifts have you received from an illness?
What has “not healing” taught you, what unexpected transformation happened because of that?
What does your human need right now?
Would love to know your thoughts and feelings. Let’s have a conversation…
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What a beautiful post, Julie, thank you! I so resonate with your words. In my mid-thirties, I was hit with a mystery illness that caused my liver and pancreas to start failing. No one knew the cause, so they didn't know the cure. It took about two years of spiritual 'healing' to come out the other side, and when I did, I was a completely different person. So I don't regret having gone through it, but I also hope to never go through it again.
I resonate with your words here a lot. It took me I think 14 years to go into remission from a rare autoimmune condition and even then I still struggled to accept it because I wasn't 100% symptom-free. I thought healing should look a particular way mostly because this is what we are told to believe. For me healing showed up on the way I chose to live life, when I stopped worrying about trying to fix, heal or be a particular way and I started focusing on me and my soul's well-being. I'm still healing every single day, I don't see it as one and done and neither do I see it as deficit but more of an expansion and growth into more of who I am and more of what Life wants to show, teach and gift me.