Queride Jesús, te amo para siempre.
“‘A painful loss for our community’: Mexico’s queer population demands answers in magistrate death”1 was the title of the article that I read today. On Tuesday this week, Jesús Ociel Baena was found dead in their home in Aguascalientes, Mexico. They were the first openly non-binary magistrate in Mexican history, consistently challenging the gender binary; socially, culturally, and linguistically. With their acrylic nails, bright red lipstick and a handheld rainbow fan, Jesús lit up the courtroom. Trans and non-binary people always… always light up the room. They are calling it a suicide. But they always call it a suicide. In the trans and non-binary community, that word is a monster under our beds. I read a statistic once that more than 40% of trans adults have attempted suicide.2 I am sure that it has crossed the minds of the other 60%. I wonder what the statistics are for our trans youth, the young ones who are so close to themselves, who know themselves so well from such a young age. I believe that because of the persistent unapologetic and authentic nature of trans children, they are among the closest people to God. They are receiving God by being their own deities. I have never been religious, but this idea of “God” to me is undoubtedly a representation of a closeness to the divinity inside of yourself. Trans children, and all trans people, are therefore divine, God-like, beings. Jesús is Jesus. They were a pioneer, a revolutionary, a bodily institution of love. After years of public hate, threats, and pushback, many don’t believe that Jesús committed suicide, instead advocating that their death was hate-filled murder. In our community, that word isn’t the monster under our beds, it’s the beast of the outside world.
This week was Transgender Awareness Week. Monday is Transgender Day of Remembrance. These were created to bring awareness to issues facing trans communities all over the world, whether that violence, social stigma, or barriers in healthcare. I have no idea if Jesús identified as trans, but I know that they identified as non-binary. Nevertheless, I believe anyone who is radically transgressing gender norms, presentation, and structures to be trans. “Trans” is short for so much more than just “transgender”. We are transgressors… we are transcenders. Therefore, Jesús’ death is undoubtedly a smudge on Trans Awareness Week… and Trans Day of Remembrance. Bringing awareness to our hardships during one week and maybe a few days throughout the year is nothing without any sort of action. We are still dying. We are still fighting the monsters under our beds and out in the world. What pains me is that we have these weeks or days commemorating our death, as if that is our primary association. In the eyes of many, trans is a synonym for death. They are deeply intertwined with one another. There are no days, or weeks, dedicated to trans joy… to the immense happiness and euphoria that many of us feel on a day to day basis by embracing the wholeness of our divinity. They honor and commemorate us once we are dead. Pride month feels like maybe it could count as such, but having been so corporatized and centering towards cis people, we all too often are forgotten about in these celebrations. Additionally, on the one hand, the contributions of trans people of color who have, and continue to, fight for our freedom always get swept under the carpet. On the other hand, so too does their trans joy. The joy that is typically centered during Pride month is from white trans people. Therefore it just feels like these days… these months… are nothing without meaningful action. We get a week for the awareness of our problems, not rights. We get days for our death, not life.
Whether Jesús’ death was murder or suicide, they are dead because of the gender binary. They are dead because of gender norms. They are dead because of language. They are dead because of the world's fear of freedom and of joy. Aguascalientes, or “hot waters”, is where Jesús was from. In English we have a saying; “you are in hot water!” to signal the trouble that one is in. We are in hot water. We are in Aguascalientes, lying dead on the floor with Jesús, because 8 days out of a 365 day year where a small amount of people advocate for the awareness and remembrance of our death hasn’t resuscitated us. I am afraid that it may never. As the news article title suggests, “Mexico’s queer population demands answers in magistrate death”, we are always searching for answers. We are always asking: who did this to our beautiful loved one? What is the reason for this hatred? When did this happen? Where did it happen this time? Why does our proximity to premature death have to be so up close and personal? How do we get free? I like to think that Jesús was simply nailed to the cross. Their spirit will be revived in the form of a continued fight for trans and non-binary liberation. People will say that it is a miracle… and it is true in fact that we are miraculous.
Dear Jesús, I love you forever.
You are a flower in the morning
And in my mourning.
Your esse will be
Our garden.
And your wounds will only act
As soil for our roots.
Frederick, James. “‘A Painful Loss for Our Community’: Mexico’s Queer Population Demands Answers in Magistrate Death.” The Guardian, November 14, 2023. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/nov/14/mexico-lgtbq-jesus-ociel-baena-non-binary-magistrate.
thisisloyal.com, Loyal |. “More than 40% of Transgender Adults in the US Have Attempted Suicide.” Williams Institute, July 20, 2023. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/press/transpop-suicide-press-release/.