WiP #35 Marie Kondo Calls it Quits: How to Find *Real* Happiness
Because I am… And, hopefully, so are you! | February 26th, 2023
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Marie Kondo Calls it Quits: How to Find *Real* Happiness
🗂 This Week in Work in Progress
Status Update: Marie Kondo gives up the ghost + the key to happiness
Inspiration: Seize the day, whatever it brings. That’s the road to happiness.
Lighter Note: Happiness is simple to understand, even if it’s challenging to attain.
🔔 Status Update
Did you hear the news? Marie Kondo announced that she’s given up on keeping her home tidy.
Something about this tickles me. I like the idea of only owning what you love, but the rest of Kondo’s spiel never appealed to me. I’m still uncertain why shirts folded into triangles are supposed to make me more joyful than a visible stack. I find spending time folding clothes just so and placing them so they don’t collapse in the closet stressful. I’ve got better things to do.
There’s a kind of privilege in what Kondo has been preaching for the past 13 years. Your life has to be pretty manageable for this stuff to be your focus. And she’s now borne this out. As soon as she got a real-life (namely, three tiny tots), even she realized that the whole KonMari Tidying Up Method was absurd.
[Snarky sidenote: Kondo’s departure from her own preaching definitely sparked a bunch of joy for me. First, it’s nice to be set free from focusing on nonsense. Second, her announcement is an act of courage and a lesson to us all. Damn public opinion. Pivot when that’s what’s needed. You have one precious life. Clinging to what you said yesterday when it doesn’t serve you today, doesn’t help anyone.]
Kondo has provided a good life-safety tip: be careful who and what you follow. Gurus have skin in the game and will promote their claims until they collapse. There are better ways to spark joy and a tidy closet will only keep you happy for a moment (at most).
Instead, follow the science and then follow your heart. Happiness is well-studied. In general, we know what works and what doesn’t. So starting with the data provides a repertoire with which to experiment. Then, by applying those findings in your own life – by taking action – you get to determine what works for you personally.
The Real Road to Happiness
The OG of happiness science is The Harvard Study of Adult Development – one of the most esteemed, broad-based, and long-lasting studies ever conducted on human health, well-being, and life circumstances. It kicked off in 1938, following a combo of 724 male Harvard students and low-income boys in the Boston area. The study tracked these men throughout their lives, later adding spouses and children. More than 1300 participants are still involved, regularly answering personal questions through surveys and interviews and submitting to medical testing.
The current director, psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, recently-released a book, The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. It offers empirical guidance on building a happy, fulfilling life. Spoiler alert (just kidding): what makes for a happy life is fulfilling relationships. To quote George Valliant, who directed the study for three decades, “Happiness is love. Full stop.”
Though it’s a fun read and the deets are interesting, there are no surprises here. What is striking is this simple and obvious truth: while relationships are the key to happiness and well-being, we happen to live in the midst of a loneliness epidemic. Meaningful, truly authentic, relationships are often lacking. And there’s precious little training on how to improve our skills as friends – especially living in a “swipe left” world, where we’re trained to discard people when they disappoint in even the most minor ways.
I had a talk with a friend yesterday that typified the challenge. He said, to paraphrase the conversation, “I'm in a weird spot with friendships and relationships. I have a desire to have closer, more intimate friendships, but can’t seem to manifest that. I don't understand it. It feels like something has shifted where I don't know how to have friends anymore.”
Yup, it’s tough out there. Even for those who are embedded in long-term relationships – those who have lived in the same community for many years – there’s often a struggle to feel like we belong. Worse, most people don’t discuss problems in their relationships, finding that awkward or confrontational. They stuff their feelings or they leave.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. The good news is that we can choose to focus on relationship-building and cultivate “social fitness” the same way we amplify physical fitness through exercise.
Nuggets
Here are a few important factoids to mull over until next week, when we’ll begin to build a toolbox of social fitness tools:
There are four types of social support, and they’re all important, so consider where to focus your energy.
Material Support (tangible help like a cup of sugar or a ride to the doctor)
Emotional Support (empathy, love, trust, lending an ear or a shoulder)
Informational Support ( knowledge-based advice)
Appraisal Support (helping someone think and evaluate a situation or decision)
There’s no optimal number of friends. Quality matters more than quantity by a longshot.
Introverts need friends and make for great friends (they listen well and don’t require a lot of time together in order to feel connected). Quieter activities like hiking or gardening may be easier ways for introverts to bond.
It’s never too late. At 90 years old, after my mother’s death, my dad moved to a weirdly friendly apartment building in a far-away town. I taught him how to use the equipment in the building’s gym and he took to the stationary bike every day. Within weeks, he had a crew who watched out for him till the day he died! It’s never too late.
Are you surprised that social connections are the root of happiness? Are you sad that Marie Kondo has given up the ghost? Please share. I’d love to know!!!
Inspiration
“Throw yourself into the convulsions of the world. I'm not telling you to make the world better, because I don't believe progress is necessarily part of the package. I'm just telling you to live in it, to look at it, to witness it. Try and get it. Seize the moment.”
― Joan Didion
Famed meditation teacher (and my own, personal, adoptive grandma), Sylvia Boorstein, states unequivocally that “happiness is an inside job.” Meanwhile, Shawn Anchor, author of The Happiness Advantage, emphasizes his own positive psychology research: “Happiness precedes success rather than resulting from it.”
This type of declaration can feel like a full-body blow if happiness currently eludes or you find yourself an unwilling participant in the loneliness epidemic. It can feel demoralizing. I worry about victim blaming every time I hear one of these quotes.
I bring them up because I’d like to translate these mantras into their actual meaning so we can “seize the moment” with Joan Didion.
Trying to find happiness by running after things (e.g., a new car) or even experiences (e.g., Taylor Swift concert tix) is doomed. You may enjoy these external events and even feel a temporary spark of joy, but the sensation will not and cannot last. Things provide a dopamine rush, not lasting happiness, and dopamine burns off fast.
If we are to find happiness, we must find it within, by working with our own perceptions, attitudes, and expectations (not to mention self-compassion and self-respect). The great news is that we get a fair amount of choice in the way our brains process the world.
Though the route isn’t easy or obvious and skill-building is required, we can help ourselves experience happiness by just showing up for what’s here.
While happiness makes us feel good in the moment, the avoidance of negative thoughts and feelings stunts personal development over time. After all, personal growth requires experiencing the full range of emotions. And so does meeting life as it is.
The bottom line goes right back to today’s quote: Stop chasing happiness. Cultivate an open perspective. Be willing to meet your feelings – ALL your feelings – and life events as they unfold. “Seize the moment” instead of chasing after something that’s as precarious as a triangularly-folded shirt. And, ironically, seizing that moment – with all its tumult and inconvenient emotions – is what will bring you happiness.
That’s what this quote triggers in me. What does it say to you?
On a Lighter Note
Happiness is simple to understand, even if it’s challenging to attain …
Robert Waldinger’s TED Talk: What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness. 🔗 🫂
I want to be this cat. Or those ducks. Or just watch this for hours. Yeah, I’ve already done the latter. 🐱 🐥 🐥 🐥
And the research says…Music that gives us the chills releases dopamine, and people who intentionally listen to upbeat music, improved their moods and happiness in as little as two weeks. Let Bobby McFerrin take you there. 🤩
TV makes me happy (when it’s good). For your next read, find out why...
🎀 It’s a Wrap
Enjoyed the read? You can share the love with fellow curious minds.
Until next week, take care of yourself and someone else if you’re able.
Lyssa
Glad to have found you here Lyssa. I hadn’t heard the Marie Kondo news, but I agree, there’s a delicious irony to it. Also, I really appreciate your breakdown of four kinds of support, and I had never considered “appraisal support“ as a distinct thing. I like that.