This year has been up and down, as I suspect most are, although this one has had some pretty big ups and some notable lows. It’s generally in my personality to be upbeat but there’s been some testing moments with changes in work (and security) and the ill-health of my partner but also some moments of genuine wonder in work, life, and nature.
The highest of the highs was supporting the delivery (finally) of We Are The Land, which I think was life changing for me, in learning to relinquish power so that a creative company of performers and makers, made up of the Wampanoag Nation, the Native American Tribe, could tell their story in the way they wanted to tell it on the Theatre Royal Plymouth’s Lyric Stage. This show was powerful and moving. It made me extremely proud. I was equally thrilled that virtually the same company were able to remount the show in Boston, at The Majestic, for an American audience. The shows’ success re-affirmed my belief that the way to make things happen is to create space for people to move into and to understand what your role is in making that happen. I believe earnestly that it’s amazing what you can achieve when you don’t care who gets the credit even though we are still a long way from creating systems that are fair, equitable and that centre service to others over ego-centric achievement. Whilst it’s been a privilege to better understand the ongoing impacts of colonisation, by listening to and hearing from the Wampanoag, it would seem that we are not learning the lessons quickly enough. It’s also true to say that none of us are superhuman, we’re all a work in progress. I am thankful to my former colleagues at TRP who worked behind the scenes to support such an extraordinary achievement.
Both my partner and I have had experiences this year where we have felt both powerless and wronged, which is perhaps the worst of all combinations. Feelings of being silenced and out of control are hard to navigate. Every year a quote from Thema Davis pops up on my Facebook memories (and it’s interesting to note that I can’t now remember why I posted it originally in 2014!). The quote is, “Accept the fact that some people didn’t mean to let you down. Their best was just less than you expected.” I love this quote because, whilst it doesn’t offer any solutions, it does at least allow you to unhook yourself from the pain of not understanding a situation and move on. Sometimes, it’s just out of your control. We all know how it feels to be disappointed by people’s behaviour. I like too that it is not about forgiveness, but acceptance. You can’t change the past.
If you don’t know her work, Thema Davis (aka Thema Bryant) is an African American psychologist who specialises in interpersonal trauma and the societal trauma of oppression. She is definitely worth a read.
I have also found myself in a place of joy many times this year. I have been bowled over by kindness and warmth from friends old and new. I have really enjoyed moving into a new space of self-employment, which has been like welcoming back an old friend who I haven’t seen for years. I stopped being self-employed last time because I got drawn into leading Burnley Youth Theatre, (for six years!) and doing that properly, which led eventually to my senior roles at TRP. I am very comfortable where I am now, at this moment, as well as being extraordinarily grateful for all of the learning in the last 12 years of PAYE.
As a freelancer, I have been offered some amazing work this last year, and next year is looking really interesting already! I am looking forward to collaborating with great people and getting stuck in (so much so that it has been quite a discipline not to work through Christmas – not taking holidays was always my Achilles heel last time I was freelance. Determined to do better at that.)
One of the key things about not driving miles to work every day is that I now have time to walk the dog (although I do need to actually slot in some more strenuous exercise too as I am getting dangerously close to having to wear elasticated trousers all the time.) Two amazing things have happened whilst walking the dog this year – one of these was coming face to face with a Tawny Owl at midday one Sunday. By face to face I mean no more than 2 feet away and meeting its eye. It did not move for many minutes, and I walked away and back again to check it was okay. We looked at one another for what felt a long time, until it flew off into the trees. There are lots of theories about what seeing an owl means across cultures and continents, but for me it just felt incredibly special and good. The second amazing thing was seeing otters, in the wild, dancing in the sunshine dappled water. It was, in fact, in almost the same spot as the owl and I often linger there in the hope that I’ll see either one or both again.
It's been a tricky year of ill-health for my partner, but she has finally had her heart operation and is slowly and surely getting back to full health which means that she’ll soon commence stealing all the chocolate biscuits (again) as well as being able to walk further and faster.
I am glad I got to the end of this year in one piece, and I am looking forward to a stacked and fulfilling 2024 with more ups than downs.