Hi, imagine that this is me strutting back here after being away for how long now?
I have mostly been away because of work, life, and not knowing what to write without coming off as pretentious. Why write when you have nothing honest to write about right.
Itās 12:28 am and Iām writing this in bed while on a Spotify group session with a new friend. We are listening to d4vdās album; Petals to Thorns.
ā ā
I havenāt been very happy for most of the year. I only confronted this truth during a conversation with my friend via text who asked āWhat has made me happy lately.ā I replied that I have had a few snatches of happiness. Like grasping onto and trying to hold on to happiness.
Iām oscillating between feeling numb, zoned out, nothingness, and then random bursts of happy emotions. Iām at this place where if I consider therapy, I wouldnāt be able to clearly articulate whatever is this thing that Iām feeling. How do I say, hereā¦this is the particular thing making me feel this way. I donāt know how to do that, so Iāve decided to write to sort through my emotions and make my thoughts clearer.
I havenāt written anything personal in a bit so I am a little rusty and I apologize in advance for putting you through this pontification.
ā ā
On showing up in pieces
At the moment, Iām sure about two things:
I want to be as honest as I can be in this piece.
I have a bit of clarity in my life.
In the high-spiritedness of wanting to be more honest, I have been questioning which people and things I accommodate into my life. I think, I have clarity about what I want now and I want to be honest about communicating this too.
Iāve been confronting my adult relationships and friendships lately and I have realized that they arenāt so hard, humans only make it hard.
Another friend of mine once said after I have spent time ranting about stuff, āFocus your energy on those who matter and not the ones who donāt seem to care enough about you.ā
While this is good advice, it is often too hard to follow. You canāt stop yourself from trying to find out where it all went wrong. When they pulled the rug from underneath you, without a warning.
This idea is also reinforced by how I am someone who doesnāt particularly handle change well. I always think about the befores and what-ifs.
Everyone says move on like they never existed but how do you do that when they leave pieces of themselves in you, to carry around like an unwanted baggage.
Lately, I have felt it all; hurt, anger, resentment, loneliness, and acceptance. I canāt seem to remember all the things that used to make my heart fill up with joy, made it race fast, or just plain happy. I donāt even care about things like I used to.
The thing is; I think I might be at this weird place where I am fully realizing that friendships end and maybe itās okay. That people change and this new version of themselves might not have me in it and itās fine. I shouldnāt have to feel like my expectations are too grandiose, that Iām being too much or too little for not accepting whatās been offered on the table.
In my head, I always think if you like them enough, you would try to make it work or fix it somehow. But what happens when you have spent all your energy fixing it and you are drained and back to the deep end.
Sometimes, I donāt have the energy for people and itās not in the way of Iām too socially awkward but more of that I donāt have it in me to continue sharing my time, loving care, and existence with people. Iād like some energy poured back into me.
ā ā
Love me with your eyes wide open
I read somewhere that love takes brutal honesty. Love here doesnāt necessarily mean the romantic kind. I think with human relationships, the way I show up for my people is by being honest with them about how I feel, how they make me feel, and what I want. Laying myself bare before them, in my most honest and vulnerable form.
I also think that honesty helps with clarity. When you are honest about what you want and communicate that, you are able to see people for who they truly are, where they stand with you, get clarity on your journey with them, and manage your expectations better.
I like to ask questions in the sense of; āwhy do you love me?ā I donāt do this because I think I am somewhat special than others but I just need clarity on why you feel differently about me than others, why are you drawn to me, what do you feel beyond the excitement happening in your heart.
ā ā
As I come to the end of this longwinded and disjointed rant, I have had an epiphany.
Clarity and honesty matter to me. This is because I know that people tend to shy away from them. We are often too afraid to say how we feel about certain things, ask the difficult questions, or be confrontational about anything. So, instead, we say go with the flow, we will figure it out later - you wonāt.
I crave clarity for my own sanity. I donāt like not having clear answers or spending my day ruminating about a thousand possible scenarios in my head.
ā ā
Going forward, I am going to sit within myself and ask the hard questions about my friendships. I donāt know yet what this might mean for them but I know that Iāll only show up in clarity and for people who donāt think my being is too much for them.
Our time here is brief and when we leave, what we did here wonāt matter. So why spend it pouring into people and things that wonāt fill me back up? Why do you do it anyway?
ā ā
ā¤ļø.
My darling,
This is not a disjointed rant; it's a beautiful summary of everything that makes sense.
On my walk this morning, I had journaled 'Martha, thank you so much for making my morning so beautiful, with the playlist you shared. I listened to it on my walk, and the world appeared brighter and more colourful to me.'
I love that you're having this conversation with yourself. It's the tough conversations that matter, and with time, it becomes easier. You have these hard conversations with yourself first and try to find the answer. Then, you have them with your 'friends.' Those who matter will understand the essence and importance of these conversations.
I'm sorry that you haven't been happy for most of the year. Please, fall into my arms, let me squeeze you tight.
Your friend's response to your rant sounds reasonable, only that I'd change it up to 'focus your energy only on you. This energy from within you would extend towards another and find those who really matter. First within, then without.'
I don't agree with the idea to 'move on, like they never existed.' This might be why I'm still friends with some of my exes, at least the reasonable ones. You are doing what you need to do, and that's asking, 'what happened?' Asking the 'why' to understand and have closure. If it's a relationship we can mend, we agree to mend it. If not, we can go our separate ways, with the clarity that it didn't work out.
I shared some stories on my WhatsApp status because of this post, and I'm going to share them here with you, because they resonate so much with me.
The first is the poem by Rumi: The Guest House
āThis being human is a guest house.āØ
Every morning, a new arrival.'
The second is the poem by Chong Hyon-Jong: The Visitor
'The coming of a person
Is a tremendous feat.
He
Comes with his past,
His present,
and even his future.
His entire life comes with him.
Since it's so easily broken
The heart that comes along
Was likely broken before
A heart
Whose layers only the wind can trace
If my heart could mimic that wind
It could become a welcome place.'
You can read the full poem on 'The Guest House' and my attempt at analysing it here: https://www.tumblr.com/wingedtimetraveltraveler/691225723174895616/the-visitor-and-the-guest-house
What I mean is, friendships start, and they end ā and that's okay. It's also okay to feel heartbreak over love lost, and to seek closure; they're what makes us human.
I love the section on 'Love me with your eyes wide open.' Reading it reiterated the reason I reached out to you on Instagram and why I like you; it's because I see bits of me in you. There, that's one of my reasons for loving you.
Martha, I started writing my comment here with one thought in mind - to let you know that you're doing the right thing by having these conversations with yourself. I pray and hope you find the clarity that you seek, and I pray that you experience the immense happiness and peace that will come with this clarity.
Good piece. Lot of truth and brutal honesty in this. Basically how people feel this days. Clarity is definitely needed in every friendship/relationship. I Love the music attachment. Nice choice of music