I’ve started a new part-time job.
On paper it’s almost exactly suited to my skills, experience and current situation, and when I tell people about it they say something along the lines of “Oh wow! That’s perfect for you/what an opportunity/that’s a great thing to be involved with!” This makes me feel weird and when I’m discussing it I end up being a bit defensive or spiky or oddly detached about it.
I want to be excited about this job and throw myself at it, but… I can’t. Something is holding me back. It feels too good to be true, and I won’t allow myself to just simply enjoy it for what it is.
It’s probably something as simple as feeling burned by my previous experience of employment. Without going into specifics, I lost my last job in May without warning - it was a ‘dream job’ with an employer I had always wanted to work for; half of the 9 months I spent working for them was great, and the other half was not. The role was not best suited to my strengths or my personality, the company was going through a difficult period of change, and I wonder if I was lured into it by the ‘shiny thing’ - the prestige of working for that team, in that company, in that building. As a consequence, I’m now rather wary of ‘shiny things’, the ones that seem too good to be true, and I feel like I’m currently dealing with two of those at the moment.
First thing: the New Job. It’s been a big deal for me to make this decision, to take a role with another employer. It’s part-time and a short-term contract but will bring some helpful financial stability and, yes, the role and the employer do match up with my skills, interests, experience and values. I genuinely hope that I’ll enjoy it and will be able to make a real contribution to something important.
But, but, but - and I know it’s early days - but I’m feeling little niggly fears that it’s not the right thing. That I should be sticking with freelancing full time, or fully career-shifting into gardening. That it’s too good to be true - because apart from the salary, this job ticks so many boxes! And then a little voice in my head says “So did the last one when you started it…”.
Here’s what else I’m struggling with: Substack. Do I want to set up a successful, paid newsletter, creating content, writing and podcasting about what I know and love? Yes. Do I think it could work as a second income stream? No - too good to be true!
I’ve come to realise how much I enjoy writing in the past few months, and how much I need it - both creatively and for my mental wellbeing. So, why is it so difficult for me to consider using the other half of my working week for writing? Other people are doing it - if some writers are to be believed they’re successfully writing and publishing on Substack, giving themselves a sustainable, flexible way of working which is also creatively fulfilling. Can I really have that too?? If external factors don’t put a spanner in the works (money, time, family responsibilities) then I’ll surely get in my own way - overthinking, overcomplicating, lack of motivation or commitment…
Clearly, I’m still really anxious about making the wrong choices. I’ve been bruised by last year’s experiences. I felt paralysed by indecision for most of the second half of 2023. I was completely unable to move forward, in case I was moving in the wrong direction. I’ve now picked at least one path - so why can’t I trust myself and allow myself to enjoy a good thing? It’s been interesting to write out my thoughts here and explore them, but I’m no closer to an answer.
I’m over-cautious and worried about making a choice which feels wrong or irreversible. But what if there is no wrong thing? After all, very few decisions are completely irreversible. Maybe there’s just the next thing… and the next thing… and the chance to change your mind, and go backwards, or sideways, or pivot completely. For someone who’s been moving in the same direction career-wise for 20 years this is a difficult concept to adjust to. But I’m trying.