Mindful Mom in the Mud Weekly Newsletter: Notes from a Mistake-Making Parent (Expert)
The artful blending of my experience as a psychologist and parent to neurodivergent kids. Bringing mindfulness, humor and psychological flexibility together to support parents.
This is the first official Thursday newsletter of Mindful Mom in the Mud and I am so glad you are here. It can be exciting, overwhelming and scary all at the same time when starting something new, so thanks for coming along on my emotional rollercoaster. It may be cliché but I have to open the newsletter with a comment on the season changing. Does anyone else try to find leaves s just to hear that tell-tale crunch?
A Mistake-Making Parenting (Expert)
Is she a parent expert or an expert in making mistakes? Let’s find out…
I make mistakes, have I mentioned that yet? Let’s take a look at the last 30 minutes. I discovered that I had bought the wrong type of meat for the recipe I was planning on. Then I put away Halloween sprinkles that my kids had been taste testing and did not realize that the top was not fully snapped. Candy eyeballs poured like a waterfall from the pantry, much to the delight of my 1st grader. And then I cut up broccoli, put it in the colander to rinse and promptly skipped the sink and put it in the dish I was making…unwashed. Now, some of these mistakes may have been influenced by the distraction level in this house, which feels like a baseline 10/10 most days. However, they are mistakes none the less. It would be easy to get in a quick self-blame session right before dinner if I really wanted to multi-task. Or there could be another way, I could choose self-compassion (more on what that is later), make the recipe the best I can, sweep up the eye balls and separate the broccoli for a wash. And that is what I did.
I love to read and I happen to read a lot of parenting books. I will be sharing some of my favorites in these newsletters. One pet peeve I have with parenting books is that references to self-compassion and how to repair with your kids when it goes upside down often come later in the book, sometimes in the last chapters! This to me is the wrong place. Put them front and center. I realize it feels a little odd to start with the idea that as a parent you are going to mess up. Most parenting book authors are likely to want to set the stage for whatever their flavor of parenting wisdom is but to me this is about confidence. The confidence to know what you are going to do when you mess up, because we all do and that’s okay. It’s part of the deal in being human. Start there and then move on to all the mind-blowing tips and tricks to radically change home life (I am a little skeptical that book actually exists). So, this may not be a parenting book but this is where we start, week one, here are on Substack.
Thank you for joining me in the mud, you are going to mess up and that’s okay.
In Case You Missed It…
Check out Monday’s post:
Monday's post-Flour Fiasco: I Am Not a Calm Mom
Spoiler alert: I am not a calm in this moment of mess...and that’s okay, how the “calm mom” ideal does us no favors.
Includes a bonus video about what to do when you mess up with your kids….I’ll give you a hint: Repair.
Your Weekly Practice/Exercise AKA “Your Weekly Mud Boot”
The weekly offering of a practice or exercise to support you in your parenthood. Why Mud Boot? Mud boots can certainly make standing in the mud a little easier…
Before I get going on what’s in store for this week, let me set the groundwork here for doing exercises or practices.
1. You may see writing exercise or mindfulness practice and think that’s too “touchy feely” for me or that is not my thing. That’s okay but it might be helpful, you will never know unless you try.
2. Sometimes you might have a lot on your plate and you just can’t do one more thing and that’s okay too. Put it away for a rainy day.
3. We all have different ways we learn and process information. I will try to present different approaches to concepts for different learning styles and to make it your own. There is no one right way.
4. I have the official disclaimer at the bottom of the page but remember these are for educational purposes only and do not qualify as therapy.
Self-Compassion
We all experience tough challenges or times when we mess up or feel bad. Self-compassion is offering yourself the kindness you would offer a friend, at the times when you need it the most. That’s it. Okay, maybe there is a little more. There are three main elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness.
Mindfulness is being aware of your moment-to-moment experience with clarity and non-judgement.
Common humanity is staying connected to the human experience of pain by recognizing that all humans make mistakes and experience hard stuff in life.
Self-kindness is what it sounds like: showing up with warmth, acceptance and comfort. The same kindness you would show a friend.
Exercise Time: Self-Compassion Break (adapted from the work of Kristin Neff, PhD)
This is a practice to help remind us how to apply the components of Self-Compassion: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness.
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult or causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.
Now,
1. Acknowledge this is a moment of suffering
That’s mindfulness. Other options include:
· This hurts.
· Ouch.
· This is stress.
2. Acknowledge suffering is a part of life
That’s common humanity. Other options include:
· Other people feel this way.
· I’m not alone.
· We all struggle in our lives.
Now, offer yourself a hand on the heart if it feels comfortable or you can stick with with just the words.
Say to yourself:
3. May I be kind to myself
You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:
· May I give myself the compassion that I need
· May I learn to accept myself as I am
· May I forgive myself
· May I be strong.
· May I be patient
This practice can be used any time, and will help you remember to the three aspects of self-compassion when you need them the most. Once you get more versed in self-compassion you can use it in real-time during the tough moments.
Ways to make this your own….
1. Find the language that fits you and your style.
2. Like to write? Write it out in a quiet moment as journal prompt reflecting on a recent tough experience.
3. Need help remembering? Post it notes are glorious, find your phrases that fit and put them in the spots you need them the most.
4. More visual? Find pictures or create drawings that represent your key phrases. You can keep them in hot spots or in an album on your phone.
5. Too tough to say these things to yourself? It can actually be pretty hard to be nice to ourselves when that is not what we are used to. If that is true for you, try writing a letter to a friend going through a tough situation. Then try a similar note to you.
6. Want tech options? The MP3 version of the Self-Compassion Break is available on Kristin Neff’s website : https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations. You can also consider doing a voice recording of yourself with your key phrases to play to you when you need it.
Reading Recommendations on Self-Compassion
This will be a rotating section of recommendations, resources and other tidbits for you.
Interested more in Self-Compassion? Here are three different flavors:
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength and Thrive
By Kristin Neff, PhD and Christopher Germer, PhD
Kristin Neff, PhD and Christopher Germer, Phd are the rock-stars of self-compassion research and also the authors of other great titles on self-compassion. This is great for someone who likes workbooks, it has tons of exercises to help you build your self-compassion skills.
Available on Kindle and in Paperback
Self-Compassion for Parents: Nurture Your Child by Caring for Yourself
By Susan M. Pollak, EdD
Written for parents with self-compassion and mindfulness practices designed for the very specific challenges of parenthood. Some examples include meditations for a fussy baby, bath/bedtime struggles, practices for the grocery store and other long lines and loving kindness at the playground.
Available on Kindle, in Paperback and as an Audiobook
You are Not A Sh*tty Parent: How to Practice Self-Compassion and Give Yourself a Break
By Carla Naumburg, PhD
This book is about self-compassion for parents but feels like you are with your funny, spicy parent friend at a raucous happy hour. It has humor, heart and practical skills. If you are not a fan of spicy language, may not be for you.
Available on Kindle, in Paperback and as an Audiobook
Until Next week…
If you made it all through, thank you! This was a juicy first newsletter and I am sure my ambitions and reality will conflict some weeks so I do expect the length to vary. Thanks for being here.
If you think that someone else might enjoy and benefit from Mindful Mom in the Mud please share!
Also love to hear from you! Don’t forget to comment.
Disclaimer: The content on Mindful Mom in the Mud posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD on the Instagram account (@mindfulmominthmud), Youtube Channel (@mindfulinthemud) and newsletter (mindfulinthemud.substack.com) or any other medium or social media platform (the “information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal and professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Reliance on any information provided by Mindful Mom in the Mud is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.