5 Things I’ve Learned from 3 Years of Parenting
and from taking my kids to overcrowded, overstimulating places
I’m going to share my list of five things I’ve learned from three years of parenting (and from taking my kids to overcrowded, overstimulating places) at the end of this week’s post, but first, a story.
Last weekend we took the kids to the Dow Gardens Christmas Walk in Midland. The event was free—such an incredible gift to the community—and on a 53 degree evening in December, I had a hunch it’d be crowded.
We met up with my in-laws and started to stroll as the sun dipped below the horizon, leaving a fiery pink sky in its wake. The paths were lit with hundreds of luminarias, a grove of birch trees wrapped in white Christmas lights set the stage for a group of carolers, and, once it was completely dark, reflections of spotlighted trees danced on various black bodies of water.
Loren fed Nelson the reindeer and received a nuzzle in return.
The walk was peaceful and beautiful, the evening was warm, and none of us were quite ready to make the drive home, so we decided to loop around a second time.
And this time, it was a mad house.
You know those arial videos of Border Collies corralling herds of sheep through tiny fences? It felt kind of like that. We were four adults, two toddlers, and a doublewide jogging stroller among a sea of moving bodies.
As someone who is easily overstimulated, I try to avoid taking my kids to overcrowded places. We visit our favorite museums the minute they open or go early for member-only hours. We visit apple orchards and Bronner’s (the world’s largest Christmas store) during the week while most people are working, and most tourists aren’t visiting.
Kai (21 months) no longer wants to ride in the stroller for an hour. Most of the time, we can’t make it five minutes before he’s asking to get down and walk. And when he does walk, it’s slow. So, of course, we were holding up the line.
The kids wanted to touch the lights and run around. They wanted to eat and then not eat and then eat again. They wanted to ride in the stroller, get out of it, and ride again, but mostly they wanted out of it. There was a lot of stop and go.
Just after Loren fed the reindeer a second time, he began insiting on warming his hands above every luminaria. He zigzagged from one side of the path to the other at full speed. Of course the luminarias had real candles with real fire in them so the idea that my toddler was going to start the next catastrophic forest fire briefly crossed my mind. And then I realized how unusually calm I was.
Three years ago, as a new mom, I would have obsessed about staying out of people’s way. I would have been stressed about my kids’ silly antics, and I would have tried to orchestrate a quiet, relatively uneventful walk. I would have tried to make me and my family small for the sake of other people’s enjoyment. (Hello, chronic people pleaser.) I didn’t feel that pressure on this walk, and I was enjoying the significant shift.
In article from Elite Daily about how women are taught to grow inward the staff writes, “For our entire lives, women learn to be accommodating and amenable, while men are taught to be adamant and stand their ground. Even physically, we fold up into ourselves, cross our legs and feel small in a chair. Guys, however, have no problem stretching out and taking up too much space.”
As women, we grow up learning that our job is to make ourselves small, to make ourselves invisible for the convenience of others. We have been taught to accommodate, to apologize, to move out of the way, to shrink our physical and emotional existence.
This problem worsens for moms who face an immense amount of public pressure to conform to these ridiculous expectations on a daily basis. We’re pressured to keep our children quiet and “under control” in the majority of public settings—in grocery stores, in restaurants, on airplanes. Even in an outdoor setting, like the Dow Gardens Christmas Walk, there was pressure to keep them moving, keep them marching forward in a somewhat straight line. And so often, when mothers fail do these things, we are scolded and deemed incompetent, seen as obnoxious, considered annoying. The result? More pressure to please others, and more shame.
Loren threw himself on the ground and wouldn’t get up after we told him he couldn’t climb on a slippery slope of rocks in the dark. And there it was again—the calm I was feeling in the face of Loren’s public outburst. As a new mom, I would have seared with shame and embarrassment, but not now, not anymore. And how freeing!
I realized I no longer give a shit about what people think about me (yes, I’m still wearing skinny jeans over here), my parenting style, or my kids. And I realized I’d learned a few other things too.
Here are 5 Things I’ve Learned from 3 Years of Parenting (and from taking my kids to overcrowded, overstimulating places):
1. It’s okay to take up space. Push that doublewide stroller, share your opinion (it matters!), confront gender stereotypes, and feel deeply. Make yourself big. Learn to grow outward, not inward.
2. It’s okay to go at your own pace. A handful of people blazed by us during our Christmas walk and, after throwing an evil side-eye, muttered what I can only assume were rude things beneath their breath. So what. We aren’t in the business of crossing the finish line first, we’re just out to enjoy each other’s company and cross the finish line happy.
3. Ignore the dick in 7D. It’s unreasonable to expect kids to act like adults for the sake of adults. If the dick in 7D is throwing a fit because your three-year-old is throwing a fit, might I suggest throwing him the finger (kidding, kind of), ordering another gin and tonic, and telling him to grow up. Or, at the very least, ignore him completely.
4. Teach your kids to listen to their bodies. Teach your kids to notice how they’re feeling and how to address those feelings/wants/needs. Crowded and overstimulating spaces deplete our energy, throw us out of our routine, and elicit some big emotions. Kids (and parents!) may be more tired, nervous, excited, or uncomfortable than normal.
5. Calm mama, calm kids. You’ve got to figure out what works for you. I personally have a two mimosa requirement before boarding a morning flight with kids. It takes the edge of my irrational fear of flying (and plummeting 30,000 feet to a crushing death), but it also helps me loosen up. When I’m not flying, I have to make sure I’m getting enough kid-free time to recenter, find balance, and relax.
What about you? What’s one of the best lessons you’ve learned as a parent? What scripts have you rewritten as you step into the parent (and person) you know you need to be and not just the one that society and gender norms say you ought to be? Leave a comment below! I’d love to hear from you.
Yes to taking up space and parenting your own way! And I will have to remember the 2 mimosa rule! One thing I've learned in my own parenting journey, when you take up space, you also find the people who are already in your corner, or are willing to be.
Wise *calming* advice for moms and non-moms alike! Thank you, Chelsea - God grant grace and peace to you and your family. 🧘💜🙏🏻