Behind The Masc: Review of 'The Will To Change'
A book review of 'The Will To Change' by bell hooks.
For most books, I write reviews in a more or less academic manner. This one is pretty different because it speaks to something I have been dying to learn about. So, most insights will be sentimentally drawn from my own larger experience. Put crudely, I am not trying to make sense of the book as much as the opposite - trying to see how the book helps me make sense of myself.
The Will To Change is a lucid discussion of the ways through which patriarchy harms men, impeding their ability to love and be loved. Unlike similar critiques of patriarchy, bell hooks does not only highlight how both men and women are complicit in these processes, but how both groups can play a part in shaping a world where mutual love, care, and peace abounds.
What Happened To Men?
It is not rocket science that men are horrible (to put it lightly) at being emotionally vulnerable. I think we have all seen this in ourselves, our fathers, uncles, or friends. The frigid nature of men’s emotional compasses has recently also been the centre of groundbreaking novels, such as Open Water.
“Patriarchy as a system has denied males access to emotional well-being, which is not the same as feeling, successful or powerful because of one’s capacity to assert control over others” - p. 31
Within this book, bell hooks traces this detached nature of men’s emotions in their childhood. She points out that the first act of violence patriarchy requires of men is not towards women but to themselves as it “demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves”. While sexism gives women a platform to express and feel their range of emotions, men are only allowed to express frustration in the form of rage. This is made sure of through socialisation and even violence.
I recall growing up, how every time I was frustrated and did not automatically channel this into anger, but rather sulked, whined, or cried, I was told I was “acting like a girl”. Therefore, anger or silence seemed to be the only acceptable ways of expressing emotion.
Looking back, I think I have been underestimating the impact this had on me, as seen by my therapist recently telling me that unless I let myself feel and express uncomfortable emotions, I will not make much progress. Since I often chose the silence route, rather than outbursts of rage, I always assumed I was beyond the reaches of patriarchal masculinity. To my discomfort, bell hooks illustrates that these seemingly distinct actions stem from the same root. This shaken foundation was also pivotal in making me reflect and question what other areas of my life - actions, perceptions, judgments, thoughts- still reflect these embedded processes of socialisation.
Furthermore, the book builds on this and reiterates the fact that this socialisation process doesn’t end in childhood. It is a process that is continuously reproduced by those it has affected. A complete behavioural loop that reinforces itself as seen in how men who are (in whatever shape or form) trying to show vulnerability are treated. A rather rough example of this can be seen in Cassper Nyovest’s song, I Hope You Bought It.
“ I am in the city, where things is mad different
When you show love, they say you a** kissing
Or d*** riding, they hate on us cause we illy
It’s just a blueprint, there ain’t no love in this city”
Men, War, and Patriarchy
Oftentimes, either in movies, books, or personal stories- we see sons telling their fathers they got into a fight and the first response to this is a joking question of whether they won. The idea being that you do not only need to be violent but to be the best at it.
Bell hooks devotes multiple discussions in the book to this - the role of violence, how it is normalised and eventually weaponised. She argues that because men are not allowed to have any other emotion, apart from rage, which coalesces into violence. Either physical, emotional, or sexual, violence is central to patriarchy, being both a way through which men are reminded to behave “normally” and a tool for them to exercise their power - a power that is wielded “in ways that are awesomely life-threatening, that women and children cower in fear and various states of powerlessness”. This anger, this rage, this competitive hunger for violence, bell hooks argues, is central to the politics of war. In the same way, a man who avoids a fight is a “p****”, she highlights that these ideas are what feed the appetite for war instead of considering other avenues for conflict resolution.
“To write about men and love, I must speak of war. Time and time again, we have been told that civilisation cannot survive men’s loving, for if men love, they will not be able to kill on command”- p. 169
The Breadwinner: Men, Work, Identity and Capitalism
I have more than a few friends that have gotten depressed simply because they weren’t employed. Who of no fault of their own, were assumed not “man enough” because they were not able to have a regular stream of income. I can only imagine how bad this pressure gets for those who have their own families. (For readers, Baba Eniola in A Spell of Good Things epitomises this).
Bell hooks points out that men’s identity has been tied to them being a provider - a patriarch. So, men do not look for happiness or wholeness at work. Compounded by the looming existential threat of unemployment, men are thus stuck in miserable jobs. Because the words that reverberate in our tiny heads is that “jobs are meant to be done, not enjoyed”. I wonder how many people would stay in their jobs if they did not have this pressure.
Of course, this is conducive for capitalism’s inherent precarity. Men who are frustrated by their jobs, shackled to it by their obligation to provide, then go home and air their frustrations to their wives and children, among other things.
Men and Mental Health
Almost every year, we see statistics of men that have committed suicide. Men who have seen no respite in this gloomy world, men who have seen no way back. It is a difficult pill to swallow because oftentimes, we do not see our friends struggling, and we wonder where these statistics are coming from. Apart from a handful of my friends, it is pretty rare to discuss with friends where we are talking about depression, suicidal ideation, or related topics.
“Patriarchal masculinity insists that real men must prove their manhood by idealizing aloneness and disconnection”- p. 121
So why the disconnect? - as highlighted earlier, men are socialised to not feel emotional - to cry, to weep, to mourn. Bell hooks argues that there is a compartmentalisation, a scenario where men pretend to fit into the patriarchal way of living, wearing a mask all the time. Combined with the pressures of patriarchy, this compartmentalisation and men’s inability to grieve (feel losses throughout their life and grow into a new person) breeds depression. I do wish she made these arguments clearer in the book though.
An added dimension that bell hooks does not adequately discuss is how men cope with this grief by avoiding scenarios that would make them feel it. She mentions that men fail to make emotional connections with women they are in intimate relationships with because they are afraid that -like their mother who stopped showing them warm affection to toughen them up for patriarchy - their partners may also do likewise. I don’t know if I agree with that. On the other hand, I think that since their pain festers within them, since grief never really leaves, the only way they can navigate this is by not getting close enough for loss to occur. I also think this is more pronounced in men who have been pushed to grieve before, through loss of loved ones or trauma. For them, it is better to have not loved, than to have loved and lost.
Here, it is also important to not minimise the impact of men’s violence and the women and children that have borne and continue to bear the brunt of it.
“[Men’s pain] does not erase or lessen men’s responsibility for supporting and perpetuating their power under patriarchy to exploit and oppress women in a manner more grievous than the serious psychological stress and emotional pain caused by male comformity to rigid sexist role patterns” - p. 26
“This is the most painful truth of male domination, that men wield patriarchal power in daily life in ways that are awesomely life-threatening, that women and children cower in fear and various states of powerlessness” - xv
Where There is a Will, There is a Way?
The bigger question is why can’t men change? If this is hurting them so much, why do they still uphold this system? Surely, it is not that bad then, is it?
Addressing these questions, bell hooks makes a poignant observation. She highlights that men may be willing to change but there are very few options facilitating this. She highlights how even in progressive circles, men who try to change are often seen as attention seekers. This, she points is a larger issue within feminism - the lack of engagement with masculinity and theorisations of avenues for change. In essence, men are fighting a losing battle - with no clear way of escaping the firing line and the weapons glued to their hands by socialisation and violence.
“Feminist theory has offered us brilliant critiques of patriarchy and very few insightful ideas about alternative masculinity, especially in relation to boys”- p. 39
Drawing on her personal experience, bell hooks also points that even among progressive cricles, especially in intimate heterosexual relationships, men are still expected to exhibit “masculine” traits. For example, she recalls that while she was always vocal about her partner opening up, his eventual vulnerability made her uneasy. The logic of the dominator model of masculinity does not spare many.
“As much as grown-ups complain about adolescent male anger, most adults are more comfortable confronting a raging teenager than one who is overwhelmed by sorrow”- p. 50
So what is the way forward now? - Well, bell hook’s points out that there is a need to redefine maleness - to shift from an understanding of masculinity pinned on violence and domination to one of partnerships and interdependence. She points to the need for looking at the male identity where men have inherent value, not because of what they can or will provide. A way of living characterised by self-love, emotional awareness, and relational skills.
Given that patriarchy is still not abolished, bell hooks states that this process of transformation must start where change can be made - in our families. Boyhood should be treated as a time for boys to explore what they want, and enable them to develop a range of emotions, the joys of intimacy, and loving connections with others. Therefore, for this change to happen, the family must be re-established as an institution whose primary role is to give love.
These processes do hugely depend on the men of the family to take the initiative and set an example, to “dare to heal” and carry out the work to be emotionally aware. She restates the need for women to help engender this part of the process through their crucial role in de-risking this process by acknowledging, intervening, and supporting men through this journey. Coupled with consciousness-raising, support groups, therapy, and campaigns, bell hooks believes a better world of mutuality and love is possible, one that is not centered on domination and disconnection.
Concluding Remarks
Reading the book, it became clear to me that my actions, judgments, and behavior were not as divorced from patriarchal masculinity as I would have thought. It was glaring that, contrary to what I thought, I am still wedded to the dominator model of masculinity that was being critiqued throughout this discussion. And crucially, that it has not only broken me, but also those unlucky to have been on the receiving end of the manifestations of this. I do hope that by purposefully daring to heal, and slowly building the foundations for a partnership model of masculinity, I can be part of the solution and not a reflection of the problem. To this extent, The Will to Change has practically been a life-changing book, and I could not recommend it enough!