7 Steps to Awesome Description
It’s amazingly simple
1. Start each sentence with a different word (as far as possible).
2. Use the big five: simile, metaphor, personification, alliteration and sibilance. Let’s call this imagery.
3. Use the best vocabulary you can, but don’t use words you aren’t familiar with.
4. Have at least one character, so you can always introduce different perspectives, flashbacks, thoughts etc.
5. Use contrast.
6. Use colon, exclamation mark, question mark, brackets and ellipsis.
7. When you get to the end, refer back in some way to the beginning: this gives you a circular structure.
Let’s see what it looks like.
Dear Mr Salles,
Your videos are truly fantastic and I am so grateful that you have created such great free resources for us students who do battle against Michael Gove's monstrous creations . I composed this description recently and was wondering whether you would be able to find some time to critique it.
Jacob Bickerstaffe
The Description
1. He rushed through St Pancras Station's vast halls, stumbling forward amidst the hustle and bustle of the rush hour onslaught. The station was positively overwhelmed by the hordes of workers, marching off in quick-time to capitalism's frontline: the office. But pawns in the power plays of their economic and - at least ostensibly - intellectual superiors, they trudged onwards through the labyrinthine complex, the sparks of life and optimism that once glistened in their eyes dulled by time’s incessant, inexorable progression.
2. The sharp shrill of a train whistle heralded the arrival of the latest regiment, a fresh batch of old-timers and rookies alike ready to haul themselves over the top. He sighed; it was not meant to be like this. Come to London, they beckoned. Here the streets are laid with gold and money rolls fresh off the press into an eager man's pocket. He had been a fool, he berated himself, for succumbing to the siren's lure. 'It'll all be over by Christmas,' he chuckled to himself, drawing a perplexed but fierce glare from a stern woman to his left. Although austere she be, a quick doff of the hat and etiquette drew the curt concession of a 'g'morning'.
3. A gentle melody caught his ear. Some poor wretch, more rag than flesh, nevertheless had a voice not so much like a man as like a god, pulling at the heart strings of the mortals who left him in their wake. Perhaps the poor soul's musical dreams had vanished with the housing bubble. Kiss goodbye to Hollywood mate: fate is a capricious captain that kicks you while you're down.
4. Gliding past him was a woman in a red dress, her slender hips caressing his side like waves lapping against a shorefront. Smooth, tender and elegant, she was the antithesis of the grey men who so dominated his meagre existence. Momentarily he considered reaching out to catch her silken hand but thought the better of it; the golden idol of capitalism would bear no rival mistress, nor, as his boss might add, tardiness. Maybe love would infiltrate his life once more. Perhaps not.
5. He trudged onwards through St Pancras Station.
363 words
My Marking and Comments
Paragraph 1
He rushed through St Pancras Station's vast halls, stumbling forward amidst the hustle and bustle of the rush hour onslaught. The station was positively overwhelmed by the hordes of workers, marching off in quick-time to capitalism's frontline: the office.
This metaphor is fabulous – the workers are invaders engaged in a war, which is capitalism. It’s also thought provoking – we don’t think of office life as a war.
Although each sentence starts with a predictable word, you can see how carefully Jacob has selected his verbs.
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