George sent me his grade 9 description for the 2023 exam (38/40), so we can all learn from it. Thank you George!
What Should We Learn from George?
I asked him:
This is a feast of vocabulary, but I am not quite sure what is going on.
Someone has committed suicide at a carnival which also involves a lake or a river?
Did you prepare the descriptions of place and character separately, and decide to put them together in the exam, or had you prepared the whole piece in advance?
George replied:
Essentially I opted to go for more of a description with a flashback and some story elements . So what's happening is at the start its zooming in on a mother within the circus whose demeanor contrasts with the joy of the circus.
Then there’s a flashback to her son who recently drowned.
I also tried to stick to an overall extended metaphor of a circus even in the people descriptions.
I planned a general description of a person I'd be able to adapt, as well as a sky description I could easily alter and finally a flashback to a horrific event since I thought there’d be a good chance I could fit it in somehow if I talked about a person.
So parts were planned which is an idea I got from you.
I'm happy not being anonymous, thanks for all the help over the years.
My Health Warning
George has got a fantastic mark. I respect that. It is a sign of great revision and exam technique. George has also been taught how to write for the exam, and it has worked.
But it has caused a few problems. George’s writing is very difficult to understand.
I would like you to learn to write as well as George, but also to make more sense. To write like a real writer, not just for the exam.
My Marking
This description probably caused you some problems. Is this a circus, or is the circus a metaphor for the sky?
If it is a metaphor for the sky, why does it have a mural overhead - murals are painted on walls.
So, maybe it is a real circus with a mural painted inside the tent?
But no, the clouds are whiskey - does this mean they are brown, like whiskey? And they are sauntering, so clearly on the move. So this must be an extended metaphor about the sky. Unless he whiskey clouds are painted on the inside of the roof of the circus tent.
Now the clouds have stopped being whiskey, but are in fact acrobats - this simile continues the extended metaphor of the circus. So, probably, whiskey was a mistake.
We are clearly out doors, because the sun is dripping warmth like hot wax - this is a good steal from my video or quick guide to description - it is short enough not to be plagiarism. But then the sun continues with a different metaphor - it is wearing clothes - ‘attire’, and this definitely won’t work with wax in the same way that acrobats won’t work with whiskey.
So, what we have is a whole series of wonderful descriptions - but when we run them together, they contradict each other and stop making sense.
This is called mixing metaphors.
For example, the horizon is personified as subservient to the sun. Brilliant. But then the horizon is also a drum. Mixed metaphors make little sense.
The final part is also adapted from my video and quick guide to description - just on the legal side of plagiarism, as it is interrupted by a lot of George’s own words.
The final 4 lines are a wonderful bit of structure, visually reinforcing their meaning, like a poem.
The Examiner
We can see that the examiner is intoxicated by the brilliant vocabulary. They love the use of interesting colours. They don’t mind that the metaphors clash, and it is not quite clear what is happening.
They probably teach their own students to write this way, even though no novelist ever would. Yes, a novelist would have an extended metaphor of the sky like a circus tent - but each part would fit together precisely, without confusion.
They also like the accurate punctuation - did you notice the tactical colon used in the first line? This is a great way to persuade the examiner that they want to award you top marks.
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The lights, the screeching children, being centre stage at the carnival all suggest that the tent is an actual circus tent, rather than a metaphor. But then the cerulean mists suggest that we are back to describing the sky, because the mists wouldn’t be inside the tent, would they?
The job of your descriptive writing is not to puzzle the reader, or confuse them in any way. It is to make the reader see something so clearly that, every time they see something similar in real life, your words come back to them.
Ok, the stalls seem beautifully described. But why are the onlookers perched - no one sits down while visiting different stalls.
Where does the cascading array of stars come in? Is this decoration or the actual sky?
What is the ‘embrace of peculiar monkeys’?
How do the tents have khali eyes? Is it their openings, or decoration, or are they fronted by women with eye make-up? What is embracing them with tendrils, which is also like a cage? Is it a jelly fish?
The earth now has feathers, like an exotic bird. Ok. But it is also ‘rambunctious’, which means that it is highly energetic and probably out of control. That doesn’t sound like a bird. Is it an earth quake then?
The Examiner
‘Ah,’ says the examiner, ‘colon. Nice.
Cool words. Gorgeous vocabulary.
I’m sure this student knows what they are doing - I’ll say that the vocabulary is ‘assuredly matched to purpose’. I’m skim reading this, so I am not checking exactly how it makes sense. Instead, I have a checklist of good stuff I’m trying to tick off in order to give this a grade.’
Right, we can picture this lone figure. This is a good tactic, preparing that description of a character in advance.
George has stolen Blake’s mind forged manacles - but that’s fine, and the meaning fits her mood of depression or despair. But, the metaphor is again immediately mixed. Those oh so solid iron manacles are now turned to liquid, as they drenched her soul.
Her cheeks sink deeper into huts - what does this metaphor mean? How are her cheeks drenched (suggesting liquid) in a kaleidoscope (a mechanical device)?
How are her black curls like shattered circus banners?
Ok, we know something happened at 9:30 am which must have led to her state of misery. What will it be?
Ah it is her wilting flower. This is a metaphor for a male - his piercing glare. This sounds energetic and active, rather than wilting, and not very flower like. More mixed metaphors.
Why does his skin have feathers? Is he the feathery earth we met earlier? Why are his feathers being attacked by aquatic tendrils - are we now in the ocean? Possibly, but then he is being attacked by a million knives. And instead of cutting, they are like whips, lashing.
Cerulean means blue like the sky. What are the crescents? Blue clouds? Waves maybe. How are they engrossing - holding the interest or fascination - of his movements? Is he swimming? Flying?
Ok, the azure abyss, that’s most likely the sea. He is being pulled under. But by a cruel hand. Is this a murder? Or is the hand a metaphor for what - fate, God?
He seems to be serenading them with his screams - so this juxtaposition suggests that he welcomes death, and is singing to death with his screams. But if so, it would be his own cruel hand pulling him down, so this can’t be right.
Then we seem to be back with the woman, who has imagined this man (drowning, we think), reaching into the water. But this is a metaphor for her memory of him, and her hand finds only air. Ok, this means we are back in the present.
The Examiner
One word sentences. Cool. Have some marks.
Right, we are back with the circus in the air. So, wait, it was not a real circus or carnival, it was supposed to be the sky all along?
The clouds have turned vengeful because of the display. What display? Does nature hate the actual carnival?
Where did the moon come from - didn’t we start the description in sunlight? Why is the earth now withered, wasn’t it showing off its feathers a moment ago?
Now the stars are like faulty trapeze artists. Are they literally falling to the ground? Is it a meteor shower?
What is a ‘somber cacophony’? Lots of serious and unemotional noise? What does that mean? What does ‘embodied the evidence disarray’ mean?
Whatever it is, it mirrors her anguish, which we assume is pathetic fallacy.
Ending with a two word paragraph is a nice touch.
What You Should Learn From This
It seems that you really can game this exam question by:
Preparing setting and character descriptions in advance. Memorise them.
Flood your writing with ambitious vocabulary.
Turn everything into metaphors.
Show off one word sentences, and short, short paragraphs.
Plan colons and semi-colons.
Use a flashback.
On the evidence of this, it does not matter if the reader can actually understand what you’ve written. You don’t actually need to make sense.
This saddens me beyond belief. I’m writing this with concussion, so my head is feeling sorry for itself. My back aches from my fall, and my chest and stomach are in agony from where the Ski Patrol strapped me into their gurney to ski me off the mountain.
But that students can get grade 9 by learning not to write like real writers: that hurts more.
George, I’m so sorry that your teachers have taught you this way. But, you have a grade 9, so why worry right?
Great post. Well done to the student but I think it is somewhat lamentable that students are taught so badly and his own teacher hasn’t picked up on his mixing of metaphors! To be honest I couldn’t bring myself to read the whole piece but I read the opening and your comments and agree wholeheartedly. I always encourage my students to begin with action even for a descriptive piece; otherwise students just ramble like this mixing metaphors and vomiting vocabulary without a clear sense of purpose
Ahh George - he has so much promise though, and the vocabulary and description are great: all those different hues of blues! A very enlightening post.
I hope you’re okay Dominic, if the concussion isn’t a metaphor! Please rest up and take it easy out there on the slopes!