How to Improve Description from Grade 7 to Grade 9
Student Example
Light. Warmth. Calmness. These were all now alien, almost unimaginable concepts. It was as if the Earth was now smothered in a thick blanket of inky void. Not a single spark burned against the what is normally a sky speckled with stars. The clouds from the west, saturated with darkness, strode across the sky, lightning bursting from them like the spears of a Roman legion. The thunder followed shortly after, booming with the energy of a nuclear bomb. The wind raged across the land, buffeting the trees and howling with the cries of a thousand rabid wolves. No matter from where a being looked, be they a mole, a person or an eagle, one thing was an absolute universal constant - Chaos. Entropy. Instability.
Any criticism is welcome and appreciated, thanks!
Assessment Criteria for 19-21 marks out of 24
Read through the marking criteria below. Focus on the words in bold and decide how far the paragraph meets those skills.
Content
1. Communication is convincing
2. Tone, style and register are convincingly matched to purpose and audience
3. Extensive vocabulary with conscious crafting of linguistic devices
Organisation
1. Varied and effective structural features
2. Writing is highly engaging with a range of developed complex ideas
3. Consistently coherent use of paragraphs with integrated discourse markers
My Marking
I like the way this uses sibilance, simile and metaphor to evoke a sense of drama. The ending mirrors the beginning in clever ways. These are four excellent skills.
But, though it is developed and varied, and obviously crafted, it isn’t yet ‘convincing’.
1. This is because it is over the top – it isn’t the sort of description you would find in a novel you enjoy reading. You’ll never find a thousand rabid wolves or one constant becoming a list of three things.
2. The imagery also needs to go together – Roman spears and nuclear bombs are too far apart. Yes, they are weapons, but from different millennia. Nothing can be a blanket and a void at the same time – a void is totally empty.
3. Show, don’t tell. Let the description show the reader, rather than tell the reader. We know the sky is normally full of stars. Pointing this out just says, “look at me, I’m describing!” It doesn’t say, “this description is necessary for you to picture the scene.”
Using the Mark Scheme
So, for content, it is not convincing – it doesn’t do 2 and 3 above.
For organisation, it does 1 and 3, but is not highly engaging, because it is unconvincing.
I’ve rewritten it for you:
Light. Warmth. Calmness. All vanished. Earth seemed swallowed by an inky void. Stars had burned their fires out to blackness. Dark clouds strode across the sky, launching spears of lightning. Thunder followed, booming like the sound of approaching bombs. Wind raged across the land, howling through valleys and buffeting trees. People, birds, rodents all fled for shelter. Chaos. Cold. Anticipation.
How it might appear in a book:
The storm was sudden. Sunset had stroked the hills with light with and warmth. But now, the sun seemed swallowed by blackness. Stars were snuffed out by angry clouds, tearing the skies with spears of lightning. Thunder and wind raged, pressing trees flatter to the ground. Everything sought shelter.
To get full marks, 22-24, it needs to:
Content
1. Communication is convincing and compelling
2. Tone, style and register are assuredly matched to purpose and audience (this means look like it would appear in a novel)
3. Extensive and ambitious vocabulary with sustained crafting of linguistic devices (this also means, look like it would appear in a novel)
Organisation
1. Varied and inventive use of structural features (can be experimental, and not look like a novel – I am upset about this)
2. Writing is compelling, incorporating a range of convincing and complex ideas (again, must feel like a novel).
3. Fluently linked paragraphs with seamlessly integrated discourse markers (has to make total sense. Like a novel! But, technically, something that isn’t like a novel, can still make sense).
Both of the rewritten paragraphs would fit the criteria. The first still shows off all the techniques, but makes sure that they all fit together. The second is the one I prefer. It has plenty of techniques, but still feels as though I might read it in a novel.
How Many Techniques Can You Count ?
The storm was sudden. Sunset had stroked the hills with light with and warmth. But now, the sun seemed swallowed by blackness. Stars were snuffed out by angry clouds, tearing the skies with spears of lightning. Thunder and wind raged, pressing trees flatter to the ground. Everything sought shelter.
1. Sibilance is the main technique – it is everywhere, to create a sinister atmosphere.
2. Contrast – before and after, light and darkness.
3. Metaphor –the sun being swallowed, spears of lightning, lightning tearing the skies
4. Personification - the sunset stroking the hills, angry clouds, raging thunder and wind
5. Structurally, the last 3 word sentence still mimics the first 4 word sentence, just not as blatantly as the previous version.
This is the easiest way to tell if your writing is any good:
1. Would you find it in a novel?
2. Is it packed full of techniques which don’t just say “look at me!”?