This comes from a student, but it could just as easily have come from ChatGPT.
There are a lot of strengths - I won’t touch on them here.
Both over use similes. Both have sudden changes of plot in their paragraphs. Both tend to overuse the senses.
Rather than explain my improvements, I’ll simply show you. You work out why my version is better. (Let me know in the comments if this is too difficult).
I’d give the student’s a good grade 6. My changes should give you a grade 9.
Student
As I approached the abandoned house, I was struck by its every appearance. The paint on the walls faded, revealing layers of different colours underneath. Where once the house had been warm and harmonious, palace now slouched a gloomy and spine tingling area of hell.
Mr Salles
As I approached the house, I was struck by its abandoned appearance. The facade was faded, peeling layers of paint. Where once the house had been warm and harmonious, it now appeared to sag and bow, all it’s inhabitants fled, leaving behind this hollowed out shell.
Student
Weeds and vines curled around the planks of wood like a snake ready for its prey. The air around the house felt heavy and humid, as if the spirits of the past still linger. Watching me from the dark forest, the only sounds were the distant howls of the wind and the creaking of the trees. Within the trees sat an owl. It sat perched on a short branch, its large unblinking eye staring out into the wilderness, almost as if it knew something ...
So still, so silent still it knew the secrets and mysteries which were yet to be revealed.
Mr Salles
Weeds curled and vines snaked around the planks of wood. Humidity hung heavy in the air. The dark forest framed the house, its trees looming, as though watching my approach. Suddenly, an owl hooted, and where I had seen only branches, it sat staring, one unblinking eye, considering me.
It studied me in silent stillness, as though sharing some secret I could not understand.
Student
No one would have guessed that the house was once striking architecture. At the centre of the house was a grand entrance that pleaded with you to come inside the doorway, framed with intricate details, adorned with delicate carvings filled with vibrant colours. Even if you were stood right in front of the house, you couldn't help but feel a sense of awe and admiration for its timeless beauty and impeccable style.
Mr Salles
The most striking feature was the grand entrance, vibrant colours beckoning from the archway, framing the delicate woodcarvings adorning the door. I stood, speechless, staring in awe at their intricate beauty.
Student
But now, as I stood cowardly facing my nightmare, a chill ran down my spine. The house looked at me with a grin, knowing that I wouldn't go inside. But today, it was finally the day where I faced my fears.The old decaying house stood tall and proud.
Mr Salles
But fear of what lay beyond mocked me. Even the house seemed to taunt me, the grand entrance taking on the character of cruel grin. Yet I knew I must face my fears and pressed my palm to the door.
Student
The door creaked open, inviting me in.
Inside, the air was thick with dust and there was the awful smell of neglect. Cobwebs clung to every corner in the floorboards groaned underneath my petrified feet. Sunlight shone through the broken windows, casting eerie shadows across me. I couldn't help but wonder who used to live here, if only my curiosity didn't lead me here and show me the irony that later would occur.
Mr Salles
Inside, air hung thick and dusty, smelling of neglect. Cobwebs clung in every corner. I forced my feet forward, and the floorboards seemed to groan. Sunlight fought with shadows through broken windows.
Who had lived here?
Student
As I moved deeper into the house, my eyes darted up to a never ending staircase. The air was still and the staircase seemed to go on forever.With no end insight, a child's toy lay forgotten on the staircase and an old photo album. The pages yellowed with the age, but the images inside were hauntingly familiar. It was my mother.
Mr Salles
My feet carried me deeper into the shadows. A grand staircase dominated the hallway, and I walked spellbound up its steps. Up and up I trudged, until my feet seemed to stop of their own accord at an old photo album. Its forgotten pages had yellowed, but as I turned them, the images were hauntingly familiar. One face smiled out at me.
My mother’s.
Student
All those dreams there were true. It was my dead mother guiding me here.
I could smell her scent. Her sweet, enchanting scent. A flowery scent, delicate and refreshing.
Mr Salles
Her scent swept me up in memories of when she had been alive. Her sweet, enchanting scent. A flowery scent, delicate and refreshing.
Surely her spirit had guided me here.
Yet why did I still feel such fear?
What’s Missing?
AO6 - punctuation variety.
It doesn’t need more interesting punctuation in real life. But, as this is an English exam, we have to meet the criteria. Here are some revisions.
But fear of what lay beyond mocked me! Even the house seemed to taunt me (the grand entrance taking on the character of cruel grin). Yet I knew I must face my fears and pressed my palm to the door.
Her scent swept me up in memories of when she had been alive. Her sweet, enchanting scent: a flowery scent, delicate and refreshing.
Surely her spirit had guided me here...
Yet why did I still feel such fear?
There you go.