Here is a story from a viewer. He can write very well. But he has fallen into the trap of excessive description. This is incredibly common, because of the way we teach description in schools, as some sort of special skill, laden with special techniques.
Here is a rule of thumb:
If you wouldn’t see it in a novel, don’t write it!
In the story that follows, the words in italics are the sorts of description a novel wouldn’t use. They don’t help the story, they are simply there to prove this is description.
The Story
After what felt like an eternity, I peeled my eyes open and could not comprehend the world around me. Nevertheless, before I could digest my surroundings, a damp, cool, comfortable sensation travelled across my body. My eyes shuddered as the mellisonant sounds of birds chirping filled my ears. I stood up and started to walk in a torpid haze. Yawning and staring into the distance, I gazed at the picturesque landscape in front of me. Umber, towering, gargantuan: the ineffable trees wafted in the cool breeze as the sun illuminated its rays down onto the ground; it became gilded with sunshine. The path was festooned with the colourful lavender and roses that coruscated in my eyes. Sweltering and smouldering, the warmth from the fiery sun had made me lackadaisical and somnambulant.
Everything was impeccable.
The aroma of the woods was satisfying as it exploded in its allure. My heart filled with jubilance and euphoria as the rabbits and squirrels peeped through the verdant bushes. The azure ethereal sky twinkled with the gigantic sun, as I started to make my way up an arduous hill that drained me out in a few seconds. Dragging myself across the heated walkway, I was lethargic and dilapidated. My internal system started to shut down as I began to feel agitated and restless. Isolated and demoralised, I lay on the pathway powerless, anaemic and enervated. Nonetheless, everything was about to change…
My nose twitched as there was an adjustment of scent as I could smell a trace of smoke. The heat intensified and there was an ignition in my body to get up and look behind me. And there was a bellicose, preternatural fire burning and threatening to advance in my direction. There was only one thing to do.
Run!
The light turned to darkness as the path back became blurred. The breeze that once was cooling and calm was now a blaze at the back of my shirt crawling up my body. Fear crept up into my brain as the flowers lay shrivelled and dwindled at the roadside. Owls hooted above me as the heinous, malodorous smell was all around me. Paradoxical sounds in the woods befuddled my mind as my legs became decrepit.
A grand door stood ahead, at which I reached for the doorknob to open it. However, to my horror, the door was locked. In agitation, I banged and knocked on the door to no avail. Feeling forlorn and abandoned, I slumped to the ground. The air was thin and the pressure heightened. My palms were drenched with sweat and my head ached in agony. Terror surged through my system like a drug: rocketing into my nerves and veins. Heat swarmed around me in a claustrophobic embrace, the heat used to be warm and comforting but now it was poison to my skin. I was trapped.
Peeling my eyes open, I could not comprehend the new world around me. I stood back up and started to walk back into the haze.
How to Make it Grade 9
Get rid of the overexaggerated stuff, the vocabulary which is simply trying to show off and therefore gets in the way of understanding.
I also need to let the reader know there is a reason for the character being there, and being confused. So I have changed the first two sentences to make it clear that this is science fiction, and the narrator has been teleported here.
Rather than explain it’s easier to simply show you.
Grade 9 Version (Because it is like a Novel!)
The time-jump always steals your identity, and the few hours it takes for your brain to catch up with you are the most frightening. I opened my eyes to a a strange world I could not comprehend.
My body adapted slowly, welcoming the morning coolness on my skin. My eyes closed, and my ears sought out birdsong.
Yawning and staring into the distance, I gazed at the picturesque landscape in front of me. Sunshine gilded the towering trees. Lavender purpled the hillsides, and it’s warm perfume soothed me. I gave in to laziness, sitting in the shade of the woods. My mind waited for my memories to return, but I pushed down the sense of panic and began to walk.
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