Student Paragraph
The essay question was about Macbeth’s fear and bravery.
In act 1, we are introduced to Macbeth and Banquo by noblemen during conversation. The sergeant relays happenings in the war, explaining that Macbeth ‘unseamed’ his victims. This verb suggests here that Macbeth has immense skill. Shakespeare uses the idea of unseaming as it correlates to the menial housework of women during the 16th century. Like the repetition of a woman's job, this is second nature to him. Therefore implying a certain amount of ease to Macbeth's work despite brutally murdering his enemy. Although as an audience we have not been formally introduced to Macbeth we can infer that he is a character who follows traditional values; such as a ruthless persona in battle.
114 words
My Comments
This is an interesting interpretation of ‘unseamed’, so strong AO2 marks.
However, you are going to run out of time because you use too many words to say what you mean. Your main skill is going to be two say the same, with far fewer words.
To do this:
Chop out anything we don’t need to know for your interpretation.
Remove anything we already know from elsewhere in the essay.
Choose words which can replace a phrase (often the word ‘which’ helps you do this).
Be as specific as possible.
For Example: My Rewrite of that Paragraph
We first meet Macbeth in battle, when the sergeant tells us he ‘unseamed’ Macdonwald, which emphasises Macbeth’s skill as a warrior. This verb correlates with menial female skill in sewing, which implies how often Macbeth practises this sort of brutality. We can infer that he has developed a brave and ruthless persona in battle.
54 words
This is literally half the length, but includes all your brilliant ideas, and includes three extra words - Macdonwald, sewing and brave - to improve your context mark and directly use the words in the question. This is also an example of 4: being specific.
You should do this to each paragraph.
If you send me part of your essay where you have tried this, with the original so I can see how successful you are, I will take a look at it for you.
Original:
Stevenson taps into Victorian attitudes towards repressed homosexuality to highlight the undercurrent of repressive male friendships. In Chapter 2, Stevenson describes how “the curtains of the bed plucked apart”. The revealing verb “plucked” may connote Utterson’s homosexual attraction to his friend Jekyll. By structuring this event in a dream, Stevenson shows the hidden, sexual natures of Victorian male friendships. Moreover, the typical gothic image of “curtains” pulled apart could invoke his readership’s intrigue. Although Utterson knows of Hyde, he is unnamed as the “figure”. Perhaps by depersonalizing Hyde’s identity, Stevenson may be pointing out Utterson’s jealousy of Hyde’s apparent close attraction to Jekyll. Stevenson could be highlighting the repressive nature of Victorian males. However, this links to Chapter 1 where he had never been to the theatre. Therefore, when conscious he won’t admit to his desires, despite us knowing of the truth. But it is Utterson’s curiosity between the relationship between Jekyll and his alter-ego Hyde that induces him to meet Hyde, perhaps confirming that close male friendships are the driving force of the novella’s events. (176)
Modified:
Stevenson taps into Victorian attitudes towards repressed homosexuality to highlight its undercurrent in male friendships as the “curtains” “plucked apart”, where the revealing image “plucked” could connote Utterson’s homosexual attraction to his friend Jekyll, as the structural shift to a dream may highlight the hidden, sexual natures of Victorian male friendships. Stevenson doesn’t name Hyde, so the unidentified “figure” could highlight Utterson’s jealousy of Jekyll’s apparent attraction to Hyde.
However, like his abstinence from the theatre, his subconscious state here highlights his hypocrisy because he therefore wouldn’t admit his desires. Nevertheless, Stevenson points out the curiosity that induces him to meet Hyde, to perhaps confirm that close male friendships drive the novella’s events forward. (114)