Have You Been in a Clit Measuring Contest?
I know you've heard the expression "Dick Measuring Contest" or perhaps "Dick Swinging Contest", both descriptively describing two or more men one-upping each other in conversation. I take great pride in being able to confidently enter the said contest with any man, purely for the enjoyment it brings me when I see them actively engage once I challenge their masculinity in the slightest of ways. I can also confirm I am yet to meet a man who has a taste for this twisted conversational genre that has a bigger dick than I do. Something these men I've played against would never, ever admit to.
The purpose of this contest is not to boost my ego; it's always for my enjoyment. The structure of the interaction remains consistent regardless of the men or circumstances. I must disclose here that I would have never partaken in this form of entertainment in my twenties. Like so many women, my self-worth, confidence, and belief in myself were squashed at every opportunity to keep me in my place, silence me, and deter me from stepping outside of the lane society and patriarchy had determined me to stay in.
Slowly, in my thirties, through lived experiences, this changed. Now, in my forties, I'm ruthless in my pursuit of challenging every boundary placed upon me. Living my life as I see fit is a menagerie of beliefs, skills, and attitudes all-encompassing, often conflicting, and always based on empathy for myself and others. Done with an open mind to change, an educational journey to find what works for me.
Add to this, I am, for lack of a better term, "Professionally Successful." With my experience in business and financial success, I'm equipped in their eyes to take a seat at the table, only temporarily, of course.
At first glance, my physical appearance will put newcomers off, it could be my blond hair, tattoos, big boobs, ADHD personality, or a combination of a few or all of them combined that throws them off, and they feel they have the advantage. My favourite scenario is when they underestimate me entirely based purely on appearance.
The most potent factor is some will play more than one round. I've been in Dick Swinging Contest with one male acquaintance for over ten years! I asked myself why as I was pondering this article. The answer? He has yet to win. You may ask, why do I bother? Because, dear reader, it has no impact on me emotionally, it's fascinating to partake in, and I do love the challenge of seeing if this is the day he out dicks me.
I promise to update this article if he ever gets one over me.
However, this article is not about men. It's about the female experience, a term I'm not sure if I've coined or absorbed from somewhere, the clit measuring contest experience. Clit swinging contest doesn't conjure the same sensation, the visual throws you off the line of thinking. Clit measuring contest works best.
Sorry if you pictured clits swinging in the wind; if you get nothing else out of this article, at least you will remember that!
For the purpose of this piece, I'm referencing the cis female and cis male interactions I've encountered. I also want to make clear I believe gender identity and sexual preference are a spectrum and can change over time.
Recently, I attended a friend's birthday; their social circle has little crossover with the humans I know and spend time with. As a collective, a few familiar faces are all wonderful people and great to interact with. Over the past two years, I've been on a dedicated journey to drastically improve my physical and mental health. Countless attempts to find the pieces of the puzzle that work for me. Working with professionals on my physical and psychological health. It's too long to discuss here, but if you follow my journey or wish to know more, follow me as I share the journey with the intent of helping anyone who has similar pain points.
This means that at this recent birthday party, I am a very different person from who I was two years ago, so my lived experience today is different.
Before taking my first step on that new journey, I had only experienced a few clit measuring challenges. They have always caught me off guard, and often, I'm in the middle of the challenge before I've realised I'm in it. Even when I realised I couldn't stop myself, I could hear the nonsense coming out of my mouth, yet the word dribble flowed.
The experience left me feeling ashamed, uncomfortable in my skin and rattled.
Going head-to-head with another woman in this way feels fundamentally wrong. The patriarchy over centuries has pitted us against each other, with the intent to keep us from working as one, working as a collective to rise from the suppression that only serves the male agenda.
I'm saddened to admit I participated for far too long with the patriarchy's playbook of how women are to view each other as the enemy and continue the narrative that women are the competition, not men.
Attending this party with my new world lens, in a healthier physical and mental state, adding in my zero alcohol consumption this year, I caught a clit measuring challenge in the first sentence. First, a compliment about my pearl necklace, instead of saying "thank you", I disgustingly said "thank you, they're real" For fuck sake, how gross. But thankfully, as I said it, I felt a little vomit rising, my body sending the message to my brain to knock it off.
The following 60 minutes were the most surreal experience. For the first time in my adult life, I listened. I did not listen for a pause so I could talk. I'm now medicated for my ADHD; during the day, I take medication to allow me to concentrate as needed; it also stops my brain from overreaching and subsequently reduces the intense level of information processing. It's helped significantly with my ability to talk less, listen more and have more productive conversations. Something I needed: ADHD is a spectrum with similar traits, but often the experience is individual. For some, being talkative isn't a negative for them; for me, it is, now not as much, thanks to my medication.
This interaction was later in the evening; my meds had worn off. However, my journey has allowed me to flex and develop muscles I've never had before. Using tools to build new neural pathways and behaviours. I could stand in this conversation as an observer and not engage. As I listened and politely contributed when appropriate, I craved an escape. My husband was by my side watching this event unfold; I could sense his astonishment at what he was witnessing. Being together for almost three decades means we are so in sync that we know precisely what the other person is thinking in social situations and what we will discuss in the car on the way home.
He watched as topics, opportunities, and moments where previously I would be playing a game of back and forth to see who could outdo the other presented themselves. This kind of interaction isn't just information exchanged to get to know someone new. It's much more masculine in nature. A back and forth to see who the alpha female is, who has the most success, the most money, the better car, jewellery, holidays, career, and house, we sling it at each other hoping to prove who's "more". Revolting to admit. It's the female dick-measuring contest at its finest.
If you've ever been in one, you'd know it. It's exhausting; there's zero active listening, only listening for key information, and then there's a break for you to sling next.
So, I was in one, but this time, I had no desire to engage. I wanted to run out of there. But to be polite, I stayed for fifty-six minutes in her orbit, letting the contest run one-sided until she ran out of stream.
I know for a fact I've behaved the exact same way in countless situations, a nasty combination of my ego and out-of-control ADHD. Decades of conversations where I had no skill, ability or awareness that I have now. If you have experienced this with me, please know it was not done with ill intent; it was a naive mindset fuelled by a lack of understanding or ability to see what I was doing or why. Now I know better; I have and will continue to do better. No more clit off's with this girl, I promise!
My reaction to this new experience wasn't just that I had changed; it also brought awareness to an old behaviour that no longer served. I stayed for fifty-six minutes, fifty minutes too long just to be polite.
If that experience had been with a man, I would have made my French exit at the sixth-minute mark. Yet, I stayed. I stayed to be polite, not to be rude, and not to give another woman a reason not to like me.
But this goes against what I mentioned earlier about being ruthless in my pursuit to challenge every boundary placed upon me. Living my life as I see fit is a menagerie of beliefs, skills, and attitudes that are all-encompassing, often conflicting, and always based on empathy for myself and others. It is done with an open mind to change and an educational journey to find what works for me.
I was physically restraining myself to be polite to ensure that I was viewed positively. Remember, we have been taught to fear each other. I stood there passive in the situation. Looking back, it was similar to engaging. I was participating, just on the other side of the spectrum. It's just as bad. I enabled the interaction to unfold, taking no responsibility on my part, just as I had before when I was happy to engage in the back-and-forth.
Unpicking old behaviours when you work on pain points in your life is complex. Looking back can bring waves of shame, regret and embarrassment. Processing new information in real time is exhausting. Seeing your old behaviours in others, as I did at this birthday party, is the perfect storm to bring about all of them.
However, this time, I didn't spiral; I forgave my old self; she did her best with what she knew at the time. I also learnt that the evolutionary journey of finding what works for me never ends; next time, I won't give away fifty -six precious minutes; I will never get back to interacting in a pointless social clit off, even if it's passive.
For the men, well, that I can attest will continue. As my husband can confirm, it's fun to watch. Why not challenge a man whose only goal is to put me in my place? Trying to ensure I don't take too much space in his world, to keep me inferior so the status quo can remain, a status quo that only benefits the cis male agenda.
Dear reader, I will partake in that contest every single time!
M