*Trigger Warning* Before reading this article, I need to let you know it contains discussions and references to eating disorders and disordered eating patterns. Topics may include descriptions of behaviours, thoughts, and emotions related to these disorders, which could potentially trigger distress or discomfort for individuals with personal experiences or vulnerabilities related to eating disorders. Reader discretion is advised. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder or related issues, please seek appropriate support and resources. Thank you.
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Recently, I ducked into the petrol station to refuel quickly before I raced off to an appointment, taking advantage of the ten-minute window that had miraculously appeared. Such a rare occurrence, I knew I had to follow my own advice: “Do something now your future self will thank you for.” Getting petrol is up there with changing the toilet roll; you will never regret doing either!
As I was finishing up and heading into pay, feeling very smug that I had done something I didn’t feel like doing but did anyway when I was dragged into a social interaction that left me reeling.
I speak a lot about the level of work I’ve put into my mental and physical health over the past two years. I emerged from an existence where I was making decisions day in and day out, hour by hour, which had me on a dark path. Leading to serious life-altering or life-ending outcomes.
There wasn’t one moment that changed my mindset or even a lightbulb moment. It all began to change when I became curious. I looked at one element in my life at a time, assessing, seeking help, and making the necessary changes. I built the foundation I needed, adding the building blocks that worked best for me and the ones that would last.
This journey had been arduous, straining, expensive, tiring and exhausting. Living the way I used to, at times, feels easier. Constantly working on finding what works for you and implementing and evolving it as you go is a full-time job. I have a full job, a family and everything else that fits into this enormous basket. Taking on that second job is exactly that: a second job, you have to show up. Show up when you’re tired and when it’s cold. Early mornings. Late nights. You’re going to feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. At times, it’s petrifying.
Peeling these layers back has exposed some deep wounds I never wanted to address. I’ve had to deal with health issues that require painful and expensive surgeries. Then there’s being formally diagnosed with mental health conditions that have you on a first-name basis with your psychiatrist, and your psychologist knows you so well she can see right through your bullsh*t, even over a Zoom call.
The depth and breadth of change cannot be measured or seen. My current lived experience is light-years from where I was. There’s also a LONG way to go; if I’m honest with myself, I don’t think there will be an end. Even though, at times, my old life feels easier, it’s only for a fleeting moment. The best way I can describe how I’m feeling now is that I feel relieved. Knowing things do get better, even if it takes everything you have to get there.
Standing in the petrol station, I bumped into someone with whom I have a causal connection; I’m going to be very honest with you here: I don’t like her. As females, we need to stick together, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to protect our boundaries; there’s no expectation that we must like every female we meet. Doing so is doing all of us a disservice. You can not like someone and be polite and indifferent.
This person consistently demonstrates characteristics I find disconcerting; interactions with her make me uneasy. She often demonstrates behaviours I’ve seen in people who have previously caused me harm. A manipulative personality disguised in her excessive bombardment of compliments.
She bombards you to get something from you. What is it that she wants? It can be anything; you never know in the moment. The love bombing is so great it catches you off guard. The compliments get shot at you in all directions. They’re all over the top, excessive and superfluous. You have no time or moment to process what’s happening. It’s not until you have left her orbit that you gain any perspective of what just happened, and it’s always too late to change any outcome of the interaction.
A nuclear love bomb during a small interaction causes you to lose balance.
“Hellllllooooooo gorgeous, lovely lady!” I heard well before she landed in my line of sight. I instinctively took a deep breath.
“Look at you!” You look incredible!” Wow!” “Amazing!” Is that you’re new car?” I love it!” “Seriously, you are looking incredible, gorgeous lady; how much weight have you lost?” I was yet to speak.
One technique I’ve used recently is to reply to any comments regarding my appearance by quickly saying, “Life at the beach is good”. We recently purchased a house at the beach and are spending more time there than in the city. 99% of the time, this answer satisfies their curiosity or demonstrates that I will not be engaging in further discussions about my appearance.
I used this response.
“Amazing, amazing!” Wow!” “You must be so happy?” “New car, new lifestyle.” “Seriously, how much weight have you lost?” Now, she was in my personal space, closer than a toddler wanting to be picked up. She also had a firm grasp of my arm, ensuring I understood the intensity of her question.
I felt queasy between the petrol fumes, the love bombing and my brain scrambling for a reply that would get me out of this interaction. My stomach was churning, and I was on the verge of having a palpable reaction.
I replied, “A bit, but it’s a journey”.
She gripped my arm tighter.
“You look so beautiful!” “Tell me, how much weight have you lost?” “Seriously gorgeous, how much?”
To her, this was no different from the numerous interactions she had every day; she was oblivious to nonverbal cues. There’s also a dangerous lack of empathy. Once you’ve experienced it a few times, her insensitivity repels.
Yet, this doesn’t stop her insistence; she wants the information she requested, and she will not let go until she gets it.
“You can tell me; I mean, you look so good!”
Asking or commenting about someone's weight under the guise of a compliment is NO different from negatively commenting on someone’s weight. None. More on this in a moment.
I regrettably gave her the number she wanted; I needed to get out of there.
I could feel the regret mixing in with my queasiness, making a toxic concoction I would now have to deal with for the rest of the day.
She left quicker than she arrived.
I was no longer needed. I will never know why this information was important to her, and using up precious time to analyse her intentions will not help me. I needed to figure out a way to prevent this from happening again. I can’t control others' actions but can arm myself with options if it happens again.
I thought I was prepared, but clearly, I wasn’t.
The reason it sent me reeling is that weight loss can be the result of illness, physical, mental or both. A side effect of certain medications or stress. For some, in this cost-of-living crisis, people must choose between food and a roof over their heads!
I recently had the privilege of interviewing a Dietitian about Disordered Eating for a new episode of my podcast (at the time of writing this article, the episode is scheduled to be released in several weeks). We get into the depths of it; I took the opportunity to openly discuss that I have been diagnosed with an eating disorder, something I’ve had for almost thirty years, and it wasn’t until I went on my journey of discovery that I was able to identify it and have it professionally confirmed.
During this interview, I came to understand how much-disordered eating falls on a spectrum, with an estimated 3% of cases being anorexia nervosa. An image I think we quite often visualise when we imagine someone with an eating disorder. That leaves 97% of people (who have been professionally diagnosed) with disordered eating or an eating disorder living, working and functioning in our society. These are the ones who have been professionally diagnosed! How many people have never sought help? How many have not been able to seek help? What would that number look like?
I’m mortified to think.
For me, in my personal experience, it’s a hidden disease and thinking about those estimated statistics shows I might not be alone.
I’m not sure I’m ready to discuss my circumstances in depth, although I would like to. However, I must ensure it’s done safely for myself and my readers. Often, putting yourself out there with good intentions can have detrimental effects. For now, I share what I can, hoping it will help others.
In writing this article, I want to make it VERY clear that the flippant narrative around weight loss is reckless, harmful, and, at times, dangerous. If you have done this in the past or continue to do so, I hope you now have a different perspective.
How will I answer the question when I am asked, “How much weight have you lost?” I will give my beach lifestyle response, giving space for the person asking to take the information as an answer. If they persist with a second try, well, I have worked on something that should shut it down rather quickly:
“First, it’s none of your f*cking business; second, well, actually, it’s the same answer, it’s none of your f*cking business!”
But that’s me. I know that this assertive, no, holding-back approach isn’t for everyone. I respect and understand completely. You find your voice and comfort level if you choose to do so. This is not my advice for you. It exemplifies my lived experiences and mentality moving forward in my journey.
You must always do what works for you.
If you’re reading this and don’t resonate with my experience and are wondering what you should do if you are in a situation where you would like to compliment someone on their weight loss, below is a piece of advice from a qualified Psychotherapist on how you could handle the situation:
Weight is such a sensitive topic for so many people that you really shouldn't give unsolicited comments about a person's shape or size, even if you think you're being kind, says John Moore, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist in Chicago. "I've had clients, both women and men, cry in my office because they were told something just like this, it can be devastating," he explains. Not sure what to say? Follow the other person's cues. If they want to talk about their weight loss, they will bring it up.
This is where I would usually offer for you to share your experience or leave a comment. It’s not appropriate here. The depth of the topic must be respected.
If you think sharing the article could help someone in your life, please do so. And if you want to let me know you liked it, please “click” the heart button.
Knowing you liked it or shared it makes sharing my journey worthwhile.
Thank you for reading my story and allowing me to discuss how something that seems harmless can and often is dangerous.
M
Beautiful and vulnerable words Michelle! I have been going through a journey - gaining weight rapidly due to medication, an autoimmune condition and mental health.
At times I almost feel like I need to explain myself (and my weight gain) to people, assure them I’m ok, I’ve just been on a high dose of prednisone to get a colitis flare under control. But that’s my issue to deal with, not anyone else’s and this is something I am working on.
The bottom line is I wasn’t ok, and weight gain was a symptom of a much bigger problem (bowel removal or meds)?! My mental health also deteriorated around this time which didn’t help. The journey is hard, really really hard at times.
Self compassion is something I am working on and I feel it is an important part of my journey and healing, and hopefully I can help others like you are, one day too.
Sharing is so important and you have at least touched me tonight with your words (and I have no doubt, many others)!
I look forward to listening to your podcasts and reading more of your articles.
Would love to catch up for a cuppa and chat if you are in Canberra and are interested. Take care of YOU ♥️