No offence, but…
I’m just going to stop you there.
What? Why? I’m it mid-flow.
Well, inevitably, you say no offence, but I can guarantee the next words out of your mouth are going to offend someone, potentially me.
Pardon? No. No, no, no. That’s not the case. I would never aim to offend anyone with my comments. Especially you.
You’re certain of it.
I’m certain of it.
…
Well?
Oh… um… no offence, but you could lose a few pounds
I find that highly offensive.
It’s constructive criticism.
It’s body-shaming. For all you know, I might have a glandular issue.
God. Sorry. Do you have a glandular issue?
No. I just like eating, but you didn’t know that.
No. I suppose I didn’t.
So… how should we move forward.
Well… um… could I maybe give you a list of the topics I’m going to mention so you could perhaps be forewarned of any potential pitfalls.
That seems like a lot of admin. Could you just try being less offensive?
Um… I suppose so.
You don’t sound very convinced.
Yes, well, I don’t know what topics people will find offensive or be sensitive about. For all I know, you could be allergic to nuts and I could end up talking about Brazil - the nut, not the country.
Oh. My. God. That is so triggering. My uncle was kidnapped by pirates on the Amazon!
Oh, sweet Jesus! That’s shocking. Was he released?
Well… that never happened, but you weren’t to know that. You just charged on in there with both barrels, just like those imaginary pirates did with my non-existent uncle.
…
I… um…
Yes?
Well… I don’t exactly know what to say. Anything I could say may offend you.
You’re right, it could.
Well… so… um… should I stop talking altogether, then?
No offence, but you do go on a bit.