"Finding the Strength to Speak Up: A Personal Journey Through Mental Health"
Overcoming the fear of vulnerability and reaching out for help in the face of mental health struggles. This might be my cry for help. What's yours?!
Hi Budafly, welcome to my vulnerable side! 😪
This is a sneak peek at what being me feels like sometimes!
I used to keep a hard-copy journal, but the thought of someone reading it and discovering my deepest secrets made me hesitant to continue (I still keep them though, but for other purposes). Instead, I turn to online journaling (a very recent hobby I’m kind of enjoying) as a way to overcome this fear.
While the idea of a few hundred people reading my thoughts may seem daunting, it's a small price to pay for the comfort and solace it brings me.
However, the thought of someone actually being able to invade my mind and access my thoughts is a whole other level of vulnerability.
I share this with you, knowing that you may do as you please with the information, but please understand the level of stress and concern this idea brings me.
*I have spent days editing and summarising my feelings and bruhhhhh the stressssssss herhnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
In short, while online journaling may not be completely private, it's a preferable alternative for me (I don’t know why but it seems so) and I would like to request that you respect my privacy and keep any negative energy away.
Thanks but no thanks ☺️!
This might seem like an unordered list of why I think need help; to see a therapist or whatever!
I've been feeling like I'm pushing everyone away lately. I avoid the people I usually talk to, and when I open up to others, I feel embarrassed. The comments and reactions I get can be disheartening, some are just too blunt (in the sense of being so true honestly, but I wish it were presented in a much nicer way) and it feels like no one truly cares even when y’all trying.
I don't even want to date anyone anymore. I've lost interest in love and dating and I'm not sure if it's because of my current state of mind or just where I am in my life. I want to focus on finding a personal connection with someone, someone I can spend eternity with, but my mind and heart don't seem to be on the same page. Don’t get me wrong, no one broke my heart.
It's also hard dealing with my family, but I’d rather not go into details. I think we all need some kind of family therapy where we can voice our thoughts and feelings. I love my family still, regardless!
I feel left behind as everyone seems to be progressing in their lives. I feel stuck. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I can't help feeling this way. I don’t know what next or what I’ll do after what I’m doing and it freaks me out.
I'm getting too comfortable in the "it's okay not to be okay" zone, and I worry that it's not the right way to cope. I cry myself to sleep often and my pillow is always wet. I can barely sleep and the sleep therapy podcasts I used to listen to don't seem to work anymore. Aren’t those listed in the symptoms of ‘Anxiety?’
I have a hard time focusing on one thing and my to-do list is never done. I fear that this might be ADHD and that's why I'm not making progress. I have also survived 2 panic attacks, but I don't know if I'll be able to survive another one.
I don't feel like talking to anyone, and I feel like I'm an added stressor to others. Hence the first point. I'm not comfortable writing my emotions either. I feel like my mind and what I'm saying are conflicting and I don't know how to make sense of it all.
I am currently struggling with affording therapy. I have reached out to a therapist and requested a discounted rate, but even then, I am unable to pay for it. I have considered creating a GoFundMe account to raise funds for my therapy, Will you guys pay if I did?!
I have been struggling with thoughts of death and what would happen if I were to die. I know it's normal to have these thoughts but I don't want to be the only one feeling this way. I want to stress that these thoughts do not mean that I am suicidal.
This new year might change my life, especially with what’s ahead of me. It certainly will, I know. And that scares me the most. Leaving my most comfortable zone to one I know not. Honestly, I chose this path for myself and would do it again if I had to. But, I really wasn’t prepared for the anxiety, fears, and doubts it came with.
I also find myself wondering if my struggles are real or if I am just pretending for attention. I worry that I may be an attention-seeking psychopath. These thoughts are overwhelming and make it hard for me to trust my own emotions.
Being an overthinker isn’t really helping. I understand you might be used to a certain “nonchalant” side of me. Yeah, she exists. Let’s just say she’s my alter ego. But trust me when I say I’m an overthinker. Especially when it comes to thoughts of my own life.
This unpopular side of me really has my sanity racing. I want to be sane. I want to live as I should and not feel overburdened or controlled by these thoughts that I certainly have less possession over except the fact that I entertain them.
How’d I do it if I’m not learning ways to prioritize my sanity? Here are some of what I’m learning on “how to prioritize my mental health:
Let me just put this out here before you call me out on it. Yesss, I have learned this. Some of it, I might have known before. But Honestly speaking yeah, I’m currently suffering from the disease of ‘Practicing what I preach!’ And I’m not even kidding, it’s the toughest.
But, here goes the list;
Remember that you are a child of God and that He has a purpose for you. This can give you a sense of purpose and meaning to your existence here on earth, which can be very helpful when dealing with difficult emotions.
Make sure to surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you. This can be achieved by opening up and talking more with the people in your life. Just know WHO to talk to.
Love yourself enough to make small changes and adjustments to improve your life.
Look for love and kindness in the form of curiosity. When people ask you how you're doing and follow up with further questions, it shows that they are genuinely interested in your well-being. This can be comforting and can help you feel less alone.
Learn to face your reality head-on. Sometimes, trying to escape difficult emotions by taking long walks or going to the gym may not be the best solution. (It didn’t work for me though, maybe it will for you. Who knows!!) It is important to learn to deal with your emotions and not to hide from them.
Take a break when you need to. It is important to listen to your body and mind when they tell you that you need a break. This can help you recharge and come back to your problems with a fresh perspective.
Be open to seeking help, whether it's from friends, family, or professionals. Remember that it is okay to not be okay and seeking help is a sign of strength.
Remember that it's okay to be sad, to cry, to feel overwhelmed, and to not have all the answers. You are not alone in this journey, you are a human with a heart and mind and it is natural to feel a wide range of emotions.
I understand that sharing these vulnerable parts of myself can be scary, but I believe it is the right thing to do. By sharing my thoughts and feelings, I hope to find understanding and support from others. Even though I may not have one specific person to talk to, I am grateful to have the opportunity to connect with so many of you here.
I understand that not everyone may care, but that is okay. I will continue to work on protecting this side of my life and finding joy in it. I hope that sharing this might help someone else who is going through similar struggles.
Know that you’re not in it alone, there are a lot of us walking about with smiley faces and living carefree lives but deeply broken and we’re only in our 20’s gosh!!
Remember, ‘BROKEN CRAYONS STILL COLOUR!!‘
And that goes both ways; To a friend wondering why you’re incapable of seeing your broken friend break into pieces, that friend is still able to produce color in their times of struggle making it seem they’re fine and very okay!
And also to you, ‘the broken crayon’ no matter how broken you are, your life has meaning to yourself and the people around you. You can still be colorful in your struggles without hiding behind them like I am. Lol!!
Please note that I have disabled the commenting section in order to protect my mental well-being (I know I have already violated the ‘PRIORITISING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH RULES‘ I’m just not ready yet), but I appreciate your understanding and support.
PS: After careful reconsideration, I have decided to enable the comments section. I encourage expressing sympathy and support for each other, but please choose your words carefully. Thank you for your cooperation.
Till next time,
Stay safe and healthy.
PRIORITISE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, AND SEEK HELP IF NEEDED!!
NaBi🦋🖤
Hmmm this issue of mental health is so important. It’s just sad seeing a therapist is so expensive here. May God help us overcome whatever we are going through.
It is welll You're stronger than you think!