bit of a different style of writing today friends. sharing something important to me around boundary setting :) more of a journal entry + collection of notes
Saying no is the skill of a lifetime.
In fact, itās an underrated art form. It requires constant work to hone this skill, shape it, communicate it clearly. And like any piece of art, not everyone will understand it.
In previous years when I didnāt set good boundaries I ended up feeling drained and listless. Ended up feeling very resentful because I couldnāt advocate for myself. In some ways it felt like a deep, self-betrayal. I said yes to many things I should have said no to. Spent too much time with the wrong people, went to too many things, people-pleased my way into exhaustion. Back then I didnāt know that ambivalence meant ānoā, too. My intuition was screaming in the background, but all I heard was white noise.
This year, I live by this mantra: every honest no makes space for a true yes.
Maggie Nelson once said in her interview on The Rumpus: ā(I need to) reiterate the importance of space, of silence, of voidā¦ to make space for God to rush in.ā When I read that, I was like thatās exactly it. Space allows for truth, intention, reflection.
Now I think a lot about how my actions should bring this space ā the expansiveness of it. Sometimes the most beautiful things appear only after you give them enough room to emerge.
As Caroline Donofrio put it, every ānoā protects a āyes.ā The priority. The dream. The path that resonates more. Or just a precious pocket of time.
I get it though. Iām also pretty conflict avoidant. Setting boundaries may feel like a rush of anxiety. Burning and quickening, heartbeat rising. Asking yourself: am I being ridiculous? will this hurt their feelings? why am I so affected by this? Those difficult feelings never go away. You just get more accustomed to bearing with them.
Living lightly is just like this: hold onto othersā responses lightly. Live with these feelings lightly ā have faith that the right people will stay. The people who reject your boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having any.
The short difficulty of setting a boundary can prevent the longer, arduous, tedious burn of constantly feeling over-worked, over-engaged.
Jessica Fern writes about this concept of absorbing:
When our boundaries are porous from the outside in, we are being too wide open. We let other people's thoughts, opinions, preferences and judgments eclipse our own inclinations, wisdom or better knowledge. Absorbing is when we take in what is not ours, when we lack enough self-definition that we leave ourselves underprotected while being over-connected.
From Common Discourse:
I think weāre afraid of boundaries because we view it from the perspective of keeping others out instead of keeping ourselves in. When we honor boundaries, we honor other people. There is no extension of ourselves if we arenāt intact to begin with.
The people who really love us know that boundaries help us be more peaceful. More full. More calm. Just, more. More ourselves.
I just know that I donāt want to collapse into yes anymore. I donāt want to minimize myself to maximize others. Iām learning how to respect myself and channeling that respect outwards. Practicing the art of saying no. Understand this is the only way to live fully in this life, not let it slip by. Choosing things that make me feel bright, full, and clear.
Self-definition is a form of self-love. Knowing where you end and I begin. Knowing that I can disappoint other people, but I cannot disappoint myself.
Thatās a type of freedom, right? I used to think freedom was the ability to do everything. Now I think freedom is the capacity and confidence to say no.
Some notes on boundaries and how to categorize/explain them
1. Types of boundaries
A good exercise here is to look at each bucket and write down what your boundaries are for each component. Some examples:
Physical boundaries
Not wanting to allow people into your home/space
Not feeling comfort in certain environments
Feeling uncomfortable with physical proximity
Time boundaries
Only wanting to see someone for X amount of time
Coming for one event but not overstaying
Not staying too late at work
Mental boundaries
Not being able to give thought/time/attention to something someone else is bringing up
Not having the energy to be someoneās therapist
Spiritual boundaries
Not drinking
Aversion to certain terms in language e.g., swearing/sarcasm/jokes around certain topics
2. Approaches to setting boundaries
These approaches are outlined by Nedra Glover Tawwab in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. Below is paraphrased from here. She argues that most people set boundaries the wrong ways, by being:
PassiveĀ ā denying your needs to allow others to be comfortable
AggressiveĀ ā attacking another person with harsh or demanding words and behaviors, instead of stating what we want. Driven out of resentment.
Passive-AggressiveĀ āTawwab shares that this is the #1 way we communicate our feelings and needs, but it is not effective.
āWhen we resist directly setting boundaries to avoid confrontations, we are hoping the other person will figure out what they are doing is wrong and self-correct . . . being indirect is counterproductive because our needs go unmet. This only makes us more frustrated and overwhelmed with our interactions.ā
ManipulationĀ ā doing things to cause the other person to feel guilty.
The ideal way to approach boundaries is to be:
Assertive ā clearly and directly stating your needs which involves communicating your feelings openly and without attacking others.
This also means when you set a boundary, you do NOT rescind it later. You have to honor it by acting it out.
3. How to set a boundary (examples)
All the smartest people I know set very intentional boundaries. I personally adapted some examples laid out from here to create some templates for graceful/kind/healthy boundary setting, in combination with some boundaries Iāve seen personally:
Physical
āPlease donāt touch me like that. It makes me uncomfortable.ā
āI need some space to take a personal call. Thanks for understandingā
āWould really appreciate it if you asked before taking that/using thatā
āI would prefer if you sat there instead of hereā
Time
āDo you have time to chat today?ā
āCanāt respond to this now, but will definitely spend some time responding later!ā
āGoing home early so calling an uber for myself, but you guys have fun!ā
āHey, just realized Iām pretty tired. Letās call it a day after this eventā
āIād really like to squeeze in a gym session ā Iāll be back in 30 minutes and pick up work thenā (Iāve used this at work when hours were long)
āI need some me-time, see you later this week instead?ā
āI canāt make that, unfortunatelyā
Mental
āHi, really appreciate you letting me know but I donāt have the headspace for this right nowā
āCan I come back to this convo in the next hour? Want to give you my full attention thenā
āWill send you my thoughts once Iāve understood this betterā
Spiritual
āI know we disagree and thatās fine, but I feel like youāre disrespecting my point of viewā
āI donāt appreciate when you said this about me. Please donāt do that againā
āI feel uncomfortable when you make jokes about this. Please donāt mention that in front of me anymoreā
-N.
Quote of the Week
When you break something, you must study the pattern of the shattering before you can piece it back together.
Akwaeke Emezi, Freshwater
the art of saying no
boundaries are great, but I always have to interrogate myself: is setting this āboundaryā just me being an asshole? is this boundary unreasonable, selfish?
or, am i unnecessarily coddling myself? am i keeping myself in my comfort zone? am i cutting myself off from connection in the name of cheap comfort?
these questions are so hard!
i love this! a quote that opened my eyes to healthy boundaries: "boundaries are the distance at which i can love you and me simultaneously" (prentis hemphill)