More of my music. This time a lullaby that came to me, possessed me, and took over my life this week. It was intense, inconvenient, and very much created with someone specific in mind. They’re travelling a lot for work, have more on their plate than they can deal with, feel restless and are suffering with anxiety and insomnia. When my children were small I sang to them every night: three songs of their choosing. Until that time came when they didn’t need bedtime stories and tucking in any more. This tune is a fresh incarnation of those lullabies. A long distance version of soothing and holding someone precious, they can safely drift to sleep. I put so much into it - the music, my tone production, my bravery, my improvisation. I recorded it, uploaded it, sent it. Then deleted the message.
I discovered I haven’t the guts to share it right now with them. Its too raw. Too personal. Now’s not the time. I don’t know whether it would help at all: more than likely would add to their pressures. What I am surprising myself by is feeling it’s possible to share here. Maybe its because here I hide behind a keyboard and a pen name and that makes it a a whole lot easier than laying it out there, being vulnerable and putting my heart on the line.
A great musician I admire tremendously rarely tells the people he’s writing songs for and about that they feature them. He releases the finished songs, out into the world, and in his art and actions the personal becomes utterly universal. The mutual sense of discovery is visceral, it matters and in so doing he creates yet more utterly honest real moments. He has claimed a massive paradox: in communicating so publicly, it becomes even more personal. Perhaps that’s what draws me to his work and makes it all the more exciting. Maybe I’m also that avoidant and deluded.
Somethings that have been turning around in my mind this week run along the theme of self-honesty. Self-honesty with myself and others, mixed with avoidance, confidence, delusion, appropriate expression and daring to share. Then I remind myself there’s so much about creativity that’s projection: maybe its all just for me anyway. But in developing and sharing I guess I start to integrate parts of my true self with who I am in the outer world. There’s good reason to go slowly and tread gently. Goodness knows learned that the hard way! This integration, sustaining my current life of responsibility with my wilder, freer more creative and expressive parts is, for me, ‘doing the work’. It would be so easy to disturb the delicate equilibrium and break it.
It also dawned on me that over the course of my life so far have learned to cover-up and lie in pretty much all of my relationships, because telling the truth frequently didn’t worked out all that well. It came with a heavy dose of shame, belittlement and invalidation. Older, wiser me now knows that now if I share my feelings, needs and uncensored thoughts, I have to be ok with whatever happens, including people being disappointed and disappointing. But starting here I can begin again, to feel, understand and dare to share. To take baby steps towards telling all, seeing what flows freely, no self-censoring. Thank you for being here.
Oh, and I still won’t be pressing send on that message. Yet…
Gorgeous ❤️
I took the plunge. Sent the song and told them about it. I got such a positive response... Thank you for being here, liking it and encouraging me.