Some time ago, when I was feeling rather like the Fillyjonk in Tove Jansson’s Fillyjonk story, I went to see a therapist.
Apparently, overwhelming experiences of nameless impending doom are common. The therapist, who was excellent, was familiar with them, and the tools she offered were helpful.
Many of them were grounded in a single concept that, it seems to me, is actually radical in nature: that it is possible to accept uncertainty in decision-making. That is, that once one has done whatever amount of information-gathering is doable (and reasonable for the context), one can make the decision, and accept that it could still be wrong. And that that’s ok — or rather, that that is how reality works. And that’s ok.
In the Fillyjonk story, the Fillyjonk’s anxiety arises from self-imposed senses of duty and responsibility. Her freedom comes when the duties and responsibilities are washed away, literally, and she experiences what life is like without them. The nature of the change likely jolts her so much that she won’t go back to her former ways of seeing the world.
But that is only one way to leave unnecessary anxiety behind.
Another, it seems, is to accept that uncertainty exists; that one can be a responsible adult in the world without being certain that one is making the right (best, most generous, most kind, most likely to lead to good outcomes) choices. That it’s part of the warp and weft of the world not to be certain of such things.
Such a small thing. But as big, in its own way, as the Fillyjonk’s wonderful, life-changing disaster.
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Thank you. Uncertainty can be liberating and empowering. Px