Started Michell C Clark’s (substack:
) “eyes on the road”1 this morning…I’ve been excited to start this one since I knew it was coming out. Only 7 pages in and it has not disappointed… I stuck my affirmation card in as a bookmark and stopped to share some thoughts with you.On page 5 there is an analogy about learning to drive and high school being the parking lot, and adulthood being a busy highway.. First, I love an analogy! Second, it got me thinking about how many caregivers put their young people in the position to learn to “drive” on the busy highways of adulthood. I’m talking the hellacious 4 and 5 lane highways where a lane changing signal may cause you more trouble than not (Atlanta, GA, US; Los Angeles, CA, US - I’m looking at yall).
I’m reflecting on my own experience as a young person and not being encouraged to date or engage in any romantic relationships, and at times being discouraged. I know it’s commonly joked about among caregivers: “don’t let the daughters out of your sight” or “I’m not going to let them date until they’re married” (yeah, make that one make sense).
How it plays out in reality was for me a downright frightening and at times petrifying experience. I’m just learning not to cringe at some of the stuff my 20-something-year-old self did with sexual partners as I learned to navigate “driving” heteronormative relationships with cis-men on busy superhighways. To be clear, sometimes it felt I wasn’t driving in these relationships and was rather riding…in the trunk.
As a caregiver I ask myself:
How am I supporting and providing safer and scaffolded opportunities for young people to practice?
When are the moments that I am actively trying to “take the wheel” and “drive” the situation for young people?
How am I allowing them to swerve and brake too early and do all of the things that lead to a deeper understanding, an embodied understanding, of how they will feel safe and comfortable driving?
Because ultimately they will be in the driver seat…alone and with sole responsibility for their choices.
If you, dear reader care to reflect alongside me:
What feelings came up for you as you read this post?
What are the areas of life in which you feel equipped to sit in the “passenger seat” and give support and directions while a young person “drives the car”? (e.g. Bike riding lessons? Actual driving lessons? Swimming lessons? Dating and navigating relationships? Advocating in a doctor’s office? - s/o to Krystal my aesthetician for conversation yesterday that inspired this last example.)
Who are the folks in your community you’re turning towards or leaning on to fill the gaps? To be the “teacher/passenger” when you don’t feel comfortable?
(Shout out to my brother for inspiring me to write this one. He asked me about teaching his oldest to ride a bike because he feels it would stretch him beyond his capacity - and I give a deep bow to such primary caregiver awareness)
Link provided for information. I’m not partnering with the author, nor am I receiving anything (other than immense pleasure) by you visiting the link or purchasing the book.
Ama, I’m so happy the metaphor spoke to you—it actually took me an absurd amount of time (almost a year) to flush that concept out so I’m really glad it spoke to you and thankful that you saw fit to write about it.
Also, as a parent, I appreciate the thoughtfulness you put into articulating your perspective about when to let young folks take the lead. Much love!