Love we wanted, love we needed
Love pure for who we are
Love we needed early, love we wanted always
For the love we know we are
-Raffi, “A Song for Healing,” inspired by the work of Gabor Mate
I had the Raffi1 station playing this morning as I tried to tend to the house while also caring for our two-year-old. This song popped up, one I’d never heard, so I went over to my phone and ended up down a slight rabbit hole. Apparently he wrote this song quite recently, inspired by Gabor Mate (co-author of our book). The next lyric: When a child is honored, valued, and respected // all that’s good begins to grow. Couldn’t agree more, and couldn’t be more relevant to the topic of our book!
Apologies that I’m a little behind our schedule with this post on Part 3! Did you make it through these six chapters that analyze child development and culture at the macro level? It’s kind of a lot, but also a lot of good stuff! Here are some unpolished thoughts on each chapter in this section.
Chapter 8: The Dangerous Flight from Feeling
I loved the beginning of this chapter where they analyze the idea of “cool.” They describe how it’s the ultimate value of peer culture and that its essential characteristic is invulnerability. An absence of openness. An emotional hardening. I’ve never thought about the concept like this before, but it tracks. An early piece I wrote here came to mind. Maybe motherhood isn’t cool because it requires us to be vulnerable, in all the ways one can be vulnerable. Who wants that?
(Read it here if you missed it: Motherhood Needs a Rebrand)
Oof, this chapter was great. I starred this at the very end of this chapter: “Down to the very cellular level, human beings are either in defensive mode or in growth mode, but they cannot be in both at the same time.” Makes me think of our culture in general. We were all children once, as it turns out, so maybe the reason everyone is so damn defensive (and so seemingly resistant to personal growth) is because of rampant attachment issues stemming from childhood.
Also, was thrilled with the reference to the movie Life is Beautiful in this chapter. One of my absolute faves.
Chapter 9: Stuck in Immaturity
Loved this quote from a father on p. 116: “When I became a parent, I saw that the world seemed absolutely convinced that you must form your children—actively form their characters, rather than simply create an environment in which they can develop and thrive. Nobody seemed to get that if you give them the loving connection they need, they will flourish.” I know some Christians would say to this “but what about sin? What about discipline?,” and to that I say… it’s nuanced, and all my thoughts are too much for this post.
I love the section “How Maturation Can Be Fostered” so much (p. 115). It’s so insightful that when attachment needs aren’t adequately met, children can’t get on with the task of growing up and maturing. The food metaphor was helpful for me, that we need to be just as mindful about children’s “attachment hunger” as we are of their physical hunger. They need to know love/warmth/caring is coming. They need to know it will be there. Just like food: “No matter how much food a child has at the moment, if there is no sense of confidence in the supply, getting food will continue to be the top priority.” I basically have half of that entire section underlined; it’s so good.
Big fan of the concept “unconditional positive regard” (p. 117). I love Carl Rogers’ work and have posted about it with regard to perfectionism on Instagram.
Chapter 10: A Legacy of Aggression
I skipped this chapter! (Both the first time I read this book and then again.) I was a bit fatigued in this part of the book and don’t connect as much with this particular topic. Please share your thoughts!
Chapter 11: The Making of Bullies and Victims
Bullying is an ever-present topic in our schools especially the last few decades. It’s a whole thing: the school-wide campaigns, the assemblies, the “zero-tolerance” policies. It’s too bad that schools are tasked with solving things whose origins lie fundamentally in the family.
“It’s important to remember that bullying is not intentional. Children don’t want to be bullies. It is a mistake to believe that a bully’s aggressive behavior reflects her true personality.” YES. This part goes on to say: “If we are to rescue the bully, we must first put the bully in his place—not in the sense of teaching him a lesson, punishing him, or belittling him, but in the sense of reintegrating him into a natural hierarchy of attachment. The bully’s only hope is to attach to some adult who in turn is willing to assume the responsibility for nurturing the bully’s emotional needs.” YEEES. I’ve seen teachers do this time and time again; I’ve done it myself many times, too. In case you needed another reason to revere teachers, there ya go—as if we don’t already have enough on our plates, we are also becoming attachment figures for struggling students.
I found the last two paragraphs of this chapter very insightful, though heartbreaking (talk of youth suicide). I also loved the mic drop at the end:
“Some people, including those regarded as experts, see the problem of bullying as a failure in the transmission of moral values. But the failure is not one of not teaching our kids the values of caring and consideration. Such human values emerge naturally in children who feel deeply and vulnerably enough. It is not the breakdown in the moral education of the bully that is the problem but a breakdown in the basic values of attachment and vulnerability in mainstream society.”
YeeeeeeEEEEEs.
This made me think of all good church-going folks who are surprised when their children don’t live out the values they “taught” them. They might have learned what it means to be a good person in Sunday school, but unfortunately that’s not what it’s about. Learning about values and virtue is a good thing, of course, but it needs to occur in an embodied context of emotional and spiritual health. Otherwise, all you have are intellectual exposure to ideas, and children are excellent bullsh*t detectors: they can easily sense that the ideas are removed from what they see and feel in their actual lives. When a family is immersed in a faith culture that does not promote or support emotional well-being, things can easily go south.
Chapter 12: A Sexual Turn
The other skip. Would have read this time if I had more time and I’ll definitely return to it in a few years when this is more relevant to my own kids. Share your thoughts though please! I think sexuality and our wrong ideas about it (both in culture and church) are foundational to so many societal issues we have. As I explored Catholicism (and continue to learn), sexuality is one of the biggest areas where I appreciate the deep, nuanced, and thorough theology.
Chapter 13: Unteachable Students
As a former teacher (and current I guess, though these days I think of myself as a mother with a part-time teaching job) and a forever lover of learning, I very much enjoyed this chapter. So much good stuff!
One small exception, perhaps: toward the end of the chapter, p. 174, they’re talking about student-centered education. I’ve always taught in a student-centered way, and I wonder if their thoughts on this aren’t a bit ignorant of what actually happens in classrooms with great teachers who practice student-centered pedagogy. It isn’t as simple as “students teaching students.”
This quote:
“Getting into the attachment business is the only way teaching can be made easier. What fulfills a teacher is to open a student’s mind. And to open our students’ minds, we need first to win their hearts.”
All great teachers know this, but it’s never been more important! The last paragraph too — it’s not just teachers’ responsibility to educate our young; it’s all of ours. Hard agree.
The practical is here!
Okay, that’s it for Part 3! If you’ve started reading the next section, you know it’s the part that we’ve all been waiting for: the practical. How do we put this theory into practice? What do these ideas look like day-to-day? Part of me appreciates that they front-loaded all the bigger picture stuff, but part of me worries people will abandon the book before this wonderful section comes because there’s just so much of it.
So enjoy reading Part 4: How to Hold on to Our Kids (or How to Reclaim Them). I know I’m excited to reflect on how we’ve been doing as parents: what we need to start or strengthen or stop. This is hard work. This is important work. You’re not alone. Can’t wait to talk with you about it.
Meanwhile, leave any thoughts on Part 3 in a comment!
If you don’t know Raffi and you have young children, you’ll wanna fix that ;) Beautiful soul and our favorite children’s artist for sure. As Dr. Mate says in this video, Raffi doesn’t sing down to children, he sings to them.