My perfect country
Learning about the country of Slowjamistan inspired me to design my own country. Some of the considerations are location, form of government, laws, economy, traditions, name, flag.
After emigrating from the United Kingdom to Los Angeles in 1984, I was puzzled by the notion that Americans chose to live in places like Minnesota when they could live in obviously superior places such as Los Angeles and Hawaii. Thirty-nine years later I am still baffled by this despite living in Seattle for more than a decade. Suffice to say, my new country will be somewhere warm. However, I am aware that the climate is changing and warm today could mean drowned tomorrow. I also want to make sure that we don’t run out of water. Therefore, my new country will be located in the region formerly known as Santa Barbara.
My country was formed primarily to make me happy. Therefore, it will be a monarchy (but not a dictatorship). Making decisions for a whole country would be hard work, inevitably lead to some bad decisions and a revolution. So, a democratic monarchy along the lines of the United Kingdom works for me. My subjects will love it! They’ll love all the pomp and circumstance. I’ll give them days off so that they can celebrate my birthday. Their taxes will pay for my fabulous castles and my subjects are more than welcome to visit the castles they paid for with a small entrance fee. The more grandiose my castles, the greater the national pride. I will be the embodiment of the country’s mood. When our wounded return from war, I will be at the hospital pinning medals and assuring my soldiers that losing limbs to uphold my monarchy is the ultimate act of patriotism. When our team brings back the gold medal for basketball, I will lead our country in honoring our victorious athletes. They will be feted with a parade of well-wishers as they make their way to one of my castles for tea and samosas. Trust me, it works great for the British. Here’s a picture of them celebrating the coronation of King Charles. Everybody in this picture paid taxes for the privilege of being ruled by the man in the carriage!
As far as laws, I’ll declare a modern set of ten commandments and then I’ll leave it to our elected legislators to create additional laws.
Here are my ten commandments:
Be nice to everyone. Even the pedants and the hypocritical.
Everyone has the right to 2,000 calories per day of nutrition.
Healthcare for all.
Access to housing for all.
Access to higher education for all. Our country will be better if our brightest people are able to tap into higher education.
If you do great things, you get more stuff. Capitalism works well for most people.
Don’t damage the environment - we live in it!
You can have all the guns you want. But no ammo.
Worship whoever you want, if you want.
Don’t kill the monarch!
The commandments lead us to an economy that feels Nordic. I would call it “Kind Capitalism”.
Any self-respecting country needs its own set of weird traditions. Here are a few examples from around the world.
For our country, we need something more contemporary. Perhaps we could do an annual cell phone hurling competition.
This brings us to the questions of a name and a flag for our country. My country will be known for being a fun place with a happy population. Combine this national character with economic principles borrowed from the Nordic region and the name practically writes itself - welcome to the Kingdom of Funland. The citizens of Funland will be known as “Funs”. Our national flag reflects our fun-loving nature.
So, if you would like to apply for immigration, please contact us at oneweirdthought@gmail.com.
FAQs
How will you acquire the land for Funland?
I will wait patiently until Republicans rule California and then make a move to cede from California. The Republican regime will love it because I will take all of the snowflake liberals with me.
What will you do for currency?’
We will be a crypto currency-based economy, so we don’t have to worry about carrying around pennies. Afterall, it worked out great for El Salvador. Or we can at least learn how not to do it from our South American neighbors.
Is this monarchy hereditary?
No. It’s too risky for the inheritors and their subjects and will inevitably lead to heads being chopped off. Upon my demise, the country will elect a new monarch.