May 2021
Meaningful. But not heavy. Not dull. That was what they agreed that they both wanted.
Fred and Sue kept those criteria in mind as they, now and then, scribbled thoughts on a scrap of paper for their grandnephew, Lowell, upon his graduation from high school.
Eventually they came up with these 10 "tips for less stressful living," which were, yes, on the heavy side, but needed, Fred insisted, to be said in 2021:
1. Realize it's often easier to tear down (and it takes much less time) than to build something up that is worthwhile.
2. Be prepared to occasionally bypass a potential-but-temporary gain in your personal life and in your career. Stepping aside may be a more prudent strategy in the long run than selfishly plowing ahead into unknown territory.
3. Think always about the long view. History's long arc is toward positive outcomes, but it's also riddled with short-term disappointments, pay-backs, and set-backs. A short-term perspective may lead to despair, particularly if you find yourself in one of the arc's temporary downdrafts.
4. Soak up the sympathy you'll probably receive when you tell your teenage grand kids 50 years from now what "social distancing" meant in 2021.
5. Identify, highlight, and practice logical thought in every aspect of your life as a defense against what is not true in our popular culture. That will be especially important as you sweep through the digital age to new media we cannot yet imagine for interacting with our fellow human beings.
6. Be patient with American democracy, which is often messy and inefficient. True, American democracy tends to procrastinate in resolving big problems until it's almost too late to solve them, but it usually ends up that the will of the people is more on target with our society's values than the likely myopic vision of one person with unchecked power.
7. Assume what you believe is socially acceptable and even commendable and true today will likely seem quaint and parochial to your grand kids.
8. Recognize that uncontrollable happenstance, despite all of your elaborate preparation, may have more influence on your personal life and career path than your careful planning, good grades, or outstanding accomplishments.
9. Enjoy decades of accumulation of what gives you pleasure. But realize, by age 50, it's time to start scaling back, gradually downsizing through the years and cherishing essentials instead of relics from the past.
10. Avoid internalizing the unrealistic expectations other people may have for you. There's no need to be the best IN the world. But, if you so choose to reach for the top of your game, how about becoming the best FOR the world? Being the best FOR the world is wide open.
While re-reading the note to Lowell, Fred realized each of the "tips" for living well in the 21st century he and Sue had compiled actually grew out of mostly what he had learned from working with Ralph for 17 years.
And he wondered: Had he left Ralph with the impression that he was not grateful – or didn't recognize – what Ralph had done for his career?
During the last 27 years (since leaving Ralph's team), Fred had worked for a communications research firm in Los Angeles and two nonprofits serving people with visual impairments in New York City. He had published a hardcover book, a paperback book and 12 eBooks about disability awareness and disability employment.
Ralph had started his career in the dairy business as a milk bottle washer during high school. He had taken technical courses after high school but had no college degree, no MBA. Fred now knew those degrees were not all that important -- not as important as knowing what it's like to work on the line and knowing how to hire people based on potential (not necessarily education).
And, after nearly three decades, Fred now realized that Ralph had taken a big chance by including someone with significant disabilities on his top-level team when the dairy industry was in turmoil. It was a time when Ralph needed to prove to the co-op's board of directors as well as the organization's competitors and potential partners he could handle those big shifts in the industry.
When he became president in 1979, Ralph needed no weak link in his executive team.
Fred’s takeaway tip from Episode 4: Cherish the perspective that time brings to your life for re-evaluating your values.
Here’s to elderhood and vulnerability!
Jim Hasse, ABC, GCDF retired, author of “Opening Up” newsletter
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When I was 10 years old, my world looked pretty grim. There was not much to laugh about. I had cerebral palsy. I had flunked first grade at my local, one-room school in rural Wisconsin. I was staying with “house” parents during the week to attend an orthopedic school 60 miles from home. And, my mother had cancer and was on chemotherapy.
But, during that time, I learned an essential skill from my third-grade teachers: how to step out of my situation and laugh at one of my quirks.
I was struggling with my multiplication tables and couldn’t remember that three times nine was 27. Miss Van Tassell and Miss McKillip, both blessed with hearty laughter, teamed up to help me never to forget that three times nine was 27.
It became our comic routine. In the hallway, at lunch or in therapy, I would suddenly be quizzed by the staff people, “Jim, what’s three times nine?” I would proudly answer, “27,” and everyone would laugh, including myself.
I had learned to not take myself too seriously -- to, indeed, find amusement in my own vulnerabilities. That’s a lesson that today I feel so lucky to have learned at such an early age.
* How has time given you a new appreciation for what you learned from one of your mentors?