Lord Der Arzte - Gentleman Detective - Chapter 9
Poison, Mince, Lice Brush and a little bit of dancing in your underwear.
CHAPTER 9
“Oh, my good goddess…” his Lordship tried very hard to breathe through his silken handkerchief. “Is this what a butcher’s shop smells like?”
“No, your Lordship, not normally…” As they waited for the Lieutenant and her men, Banks peered into the shop’s darkened back alley. “It is rather an unusual smell, is it not your Lordship.”
“I don’t know, Banks; I’m afraid my nasal hairs have burned off, and all I can smell is a funny tangy tinny smell with a bit of almond paste thrown in on top.” His lordship was concerned that his desire to become a gentleman detective may wane if he was forced to engage with such disgusting filth in the future. “When we’re finished here, Banks, you made need to hose us both down in the garden before we step foot in the house.”
“With pleasure, your lordship.” Banks smiled at an internal thought.
“You could nip down the cop shop and borrow our lice brush if you like.”
The Lieutenant stood with Captain Kupfer, a collection of three constables and one young woman who pushed a cart full of cardboard boxes and envelopes.
“That Lieutenant will not be necessary. I am not desperate to remove any more skin. Ah, Captain Kupfer, how’s your pussy?”
The whole stunned police force stood still outside Tarty’s Butcheries Established Year of the Yellow Flower and looked unabashedly at his lordship with their mouths open wide. All that is except for the Lieutenant, who simply raised an eyebrow.
“Have you found your poor feline after it was assaulted by the duck the other day?” His lordship spoke louder than he normally did in fear his silken handkerchief might interfere with his pronunciation and muddy the police department’s comprehension of his meaning. “I find once startled a pussy takes a while to come out and show itself. Mind you, if you wave a big bit meat about, it should come running.”
“Oh, good goddess…” was mumbled down the alleyway by Banks.
“Yes, thank you, your Lordship. The station’s CAT is very much back in HIS position under the counter with Desk Seargent.”
“Oh, jolly good. Can you believe how this place stinks? Banks tells me this is not how a butcher normally smells, so I would like to find out why it reeks like an almond-covered rotting mound of dragon shit!”
The Lieutenant turned to her men choosing to professionally ignore his Lordship, “Right, you are lads; put on your overalls and gloves. Make sure you draw lots of pictures Mr Picasso but make sure I can’t see any boobies this time, and make sure I can tell what you’ve drawn, no arty farty stuff with greys and greens. Lads, when you find something you think I might find interesting, put it in one of the envelopes and hand it to Mary. Tell her where you found it and why you think I might like to have a look at it. Any questions?”
“No, Mama!”
“Yes.”
“What’s your question, your Lordship?” The Lieutenant took a shallow breath to calm herself.
“How come they can call you Mama, and I can’t call you Madam without you getting very upset, Lieutenant?” His lordship waved his cane at the constables, who were now donning white overalls that covered their hobnail boots and woollen uniforms. “Why are your men putting on those coveralls?” His Lordship bounced on his heels four times.
“Because A, they’re my men and B, so they don’t contaminate the crime scene.”
“Oh. So, if I were your man, I would be able to call you Mama, too? And can Banks and I have a pair of coveralls as well?”
“No to both.”
“Why, Lieutenant?” To Bank’s keen eye, his Lordship seemed taken aback.
“Because, your Lordship, you won’t ever work for me and be ‘my man’, nor are you coming into the shop because you will most likely contaminate important evidence.” The Lieutenant turned to her Captain and began talking about how they would tackle each room and the evidence they expected it would produce.
“Oh.” The dirt near his Lordship’s feet was inspected with a brush of his cane. “I didn’t actually ask for the coverall for Banks and I to go into the shop. I simply wanted something to change into something that was clean and unsoiled prior to going into our home.”
“Really, your Lordship, the smell’s not that bad!” The Lieutenant stood with her hands on her hips, with her Captain taking a stoic stance behind her.
“Oh, you’ll change your mind once you go in, especially when you enter Mr Tarty’s bedroom and attic. Those two rooms really bring and whole new meaning to the level of stinky, stinky!”
A fine blond eyebrow rose quite pleasingly up onto the Lieutenant’s forehead. “You’ve been inside?”
“Well, yes!” Sir Harold smiled calmly as Banks once more turned to face the alleyway that ran along the side of the shop and down to the muddy and detritus filled river, which was, as far as most businessmen were concerned, an environmentally considerate waste disposal method.
“How dare you enter a crime scene without my permission. I ought to shove you in one of my cells and teach you how to clean a floor!”
Constable Blusher didn’t quite know if he was going to have to arrest his Lordship, so he stopped getting dressed in his white coveralls. However, the other two experienced constables continued getting dressed because they’d already sized up Banks and had made the decision there would be no arrest until the station’s riot squad turned up.
“Oh, I don’t clean floors, Inspector. In fact, we have a lady who does that for us. Mrs Windex. If you’d like her references, I could quite happily give you a copy. But you must realise she only works part-time, and we have dibs on her mornings, Monday through to Friday. And you must also be aware that after her morning work, she likes to have a cup of tea and three ginger nut biscuits; otherwise, you’ll find a nasty little surprise in your toilet.” His Lordship looked puzzled, “As to why you would like to teach me how to clean after you’ve arrested me, is a little bit beyond me…”
“You shouldn’t have gone in without MY permission; what the HELL were you thinking?” was yelled back by a very frustrated Lieutenant. Once the echoes died down, she smoothed down her ponytailed blond hair and spoke levelling, “I apologise, but we must ensure to follow procedure so that the scene can be investigated properly without contamination.”
“Well, Lucy, we were thinking that we’d better get inside and get as much evidence as we could before her Ladyships thugs turned up and cleared out her father’s gaff before the coppers arrived. Which they did ten minutes after we went and hid down the side alley with the bag of evidence we collected.” Banks didn’t sound impressed; in fact, he sounded as if, in his curt and cut pronunciation, no one had a better pick on his Lordship; otherwise, he would show his not-so-nice side, even though he liked the Lieutenant.
If everyone hadn’t been so occupied with getting their knickers in a twist, they might have seen an otherworldly glow to his Lordship manservant eyes. His Lordship did…
“You what?” flowed out of Captain Kupfer's stunned face.
“Oh, yes. Wilkinson and two thugs turned up and found that the cupboard was bare, so I would presume that her Ladyship,” his Lordship pulled out his fob watch, read the time, looked up at the stunned lieutenant, “will go off her lolly in about ten more minutes.” He turned to Banks. “That’s how you say it, isn’t Banks?”
“Yes, your Lordship nailed the vernacular, sir.” Banks smiled back at the two constables, who were almost fully dressed in their overalls. “Oh you both look lovely in your white jumpsuits.”
The Lieutenant turned to the young woman behind the cart, “Mary, go and bag up everything straight from their bag and then bag the bag as well. Banks will help you.”
“Right, you are Miss.”
“Oh, now look, she just called you Miss. That’s totally unfair!”
“Your Lordship, young Mary, has earned the right to call me Miss. Her father was my senior sergeant and spent a lot of time training me to be the copper I am today. So, I owe her and her family. I don’t know you, and I don’t know your intentions. So, you’ll be calling me Lieutenant or Lieutenant Ehrlich!
His Lordship tapped the ground with his cane; his eyes bore down on its end before he looked up straight into the eyes of the Lieutenant. “I deeply apologise, Lieutenant. I had made the mistake that in our prior meetings, we were forging a professional relationship of friendship through common interests and love for the truth. I have totally overstepped my mark, and I apologise deeply for creating this awkward situation. I will, in the future, ensure you are totally aware of my intentions at every step.”
The butcher's dirty side alley became rather uncomfortable for everyone as the Lieutenant stood still, blinking slowly. Corporal Blusher coughed because… well, quite simply, the smell was making him want to gag.
“Mary, the bags, please, before it rains or any other contaminants occur. Captain, come with me; I want to have a look inside. Mr Picasso, draw each and every room, including any details I or the Captain ask you to, and I say again, no hidden boobies like last time. Mr Banks, help Mary, then ensure you wash your hands thoroughly afterwards. Mary has a special alcohol-based cleanser, which will do the trick. Corporal Blusher, give your white suit to his Lordship, who can change in the butcher's bedroom. You can do the same, Banks, Aufrich, give him your suit.
“You may need a very big can as well…” His Lordship stood smiling at the Lieutenant, impressed by her organised mind. “And possibly a few little paper bags as well for inside.”
“I thought you said you’d gotten it all…” The Lieutenant looked quizzically at his Lordship.
“Please, Lieutenant, we only had a limited time to gather the clues before Wilkinson and his helpers turned up. But we didn’t think they’d worry about…” His Lordship looked at Banks, “I’m concerned about telling her what we found in case she may faint. Women are decidedly of the delicate disposition…”
“Nothing you could say would upset me, your Lordship.” The Lieutenant’s lips pursed themselves tightly together.
“Oh, I don’t know about that, Lieutenant.” Banks smiled. “His Lordship’s a bit worried about the grisly nature of our find, which was a number of teeth and a lot of mince.”
“What did you expect? It’s a butcher's shop.”
“Oh, no, Lieutenant, it wasn’t the teeth and mince,” Banks smiled his best panther impersonation, “More the legs and arms left on the table ready to be minced that was upsetting. In fact, I’d have to say that’s probably what sent Wilkinson and his lot running before he noticed we’d gathered up the goodies.” An appreciative smile was given to Mary, who nervously walked past the overly large man to the carpet bag hidden behind him. “Did you ever find Mr Tarty’s body Lieutenant?”
Lieutenant Ehrlich sighed and rubbed her forehead, “You know what this means, don’t you.”
“Yes, I bloody well do. Mince is off the menu for the next month or so. In fact, I’m seriously considering just eating white meat from now on!” His Lordship looked around the silent group for confirmation of his decision.
Banks called out as he helped Mary with a piece of evidence, “No, your Lordship, no need to worry. You know how you mentioned it looked like a dog had been gnawing at the bone, and I said no, that’s not dog's teeth.”
“Ahh, yes, Banks, you are correct. Mince is back on the menu because Lieutenant Mr Tarty was half consumed by a dragon.” His lordship wiggled his eyebrows.
A thumping sound rang out around the narrow alleyway as Corporal Blusher fainted to the cobblestones.
“And that, Lieutenant, means we have a very big problem on our hands, which needs to stay between every person in this alley and go no further.” His Lordship seemed to grow in the darkening shadows.
Lieutenant Ehrlich barrelled up to his Lordship with a pointed finger to his surprisingly firm chest. “There will be no cover-ups under my watch. The truth is our shield; the truth is our light; the truth is our salvation. We’ll never go under the tyranny of lies again.”
“The truth,” his Lordship quietly spoke, “will frighten everyone out of their wits, and we will have wild panic in our streets. The people of Bone Valley have been too traumatised for the truth to appear too quickly. The Council of Five have, at best, a very fragile grip on our city and its bright future. So please, Lieutenant, please do not harm the future by screaming from the top of your police station that there is a Goliath Firedrake in our fair city. I beg you, please… Lucy, think before you act. The Dragon cannot know that we know it’s here and playing a part in this deathly game.”
Lucy’s finger slid down Harold’s chest… just a small movement, but under her finger, she felt his slow and steady heartbeat.
“Please…”
“Captain Kupfer, can you inform our esteemed colleagues at the pound that we’ve got a bunch of rabid dogs on the loose in Butcher Lane? They’ve attacked and killed poor Mr Tarty, so all the other butchers should make sure their back doors are locked.”
His Lordship smiled down into the prettiest green eyes he had ever seen, “Bravo, Lieutenant. Bravo.”
Turning on her hob-nailed boot, the commanding officer spoke quietly, “Well, that explains the dragon shit smell; what about the almonds?”
Mary spoke up quietly under the smiling gaze of Banks. “I can explain that, Miss.” In her hands, she held a glass tube and bulbous bottle wrapped in paper bags. “From the looks of it, they’ve been boiling up something which contains cyanide. That’s what smells of almonds.”
“And that,” commented Lor Der Arzte, “Is why they needed the copious amounts of Dead Man’s Fingers.”
“Why are they making cyanide?” Asked the perturbed Captain.
“That is an interesting question, Captain and can only be answered by finding out how much they would have made.” His Lordship bobbed up and down on the spot.
“Well, I’d guess… from the equipment…” Mary looked to her Lieutenant, “They’ve made enough to kill everyone in Bone Valley twice over.”
“I think I’ll be taking my clothes off now; what about you, Banks?”
Banks stood with his shirt off and mid-process of downing his trousers, “Way ahead of you, your Lordship.”
A quiet thoughtfulness filled the alleyway.
“Ladies, please advert your eyes.” Was the Captain’s concerned input!
“I’m a scientist” was Mary’s wide-eyed reply. “Seen it… all… medically trained… my goodness!”
No word came from the wide-eyed Lieutenant as she watched his Lordship fling his shirt, jacket and cane behind him, then drop his pants and do the little jiggly dance that everyone does when they’ve forgotten to take their shoes off first, then bellow, “Has anyone got a hose?”
The Doctor. Doctor Who? That's right. The Doctor thinks that halfway down the page, you encountered a recursive time loop. (You repeated the whole chapter twice.)
*Grins*