Hi, mysterious faces of the internet. Thank you for reading and tagging along over the past few weeks with my sporadic writing.
A friend of mine started this “In/Out” list last week on her phone and shared it with a few friends which inspired me to do something similar. This year felt more like an intermission from the pandemic with the looming variant from China spreading ashore. This year I got a new job working as a small communications/marketing potato at an arts non-profit. The money is meager and, to be quite honest, humiliating — given the range of responsibilities and prerequisites. But I am still very grateful to be surrounded by an eclectic cohort of artists in my community that I can call colleagues.
I got my Canadian Permanent Residence (PR) this year. That was something. It is also a privilege to be prioritized in the application process (the Canadian government opened up an express entry/application process for Hong Kong young professionals who just freshly graduated from a Canadian university) meanwhile migrants’ applications have been backlogged till at least the end of 2023. What does it mean to “belong” to a Nation really when only your economic self (well, barely) is the only thing deemed, useful? What is this scarcity rhetoric that continuously turns systemic injustice inwards pitting the marginalized with one another? How much of our immediate lifestyle depends on the immigrant workforce?
I picked up deejaying earlier this year. It’s like discovering a whole new alternative world that has no boundaries. Deejaying is just one of the entry points of this “otherworld” — people across the globe have been doing the damn work creating conditions to make this “werld” happen. I finished madison moore’s book “Fabulous: The Rise of the Beautiful Eccentric” where they explored how the politics of “fabulousness” acts as a creative labour, “a type of self-couture” where our bodies become this site of artistic expression and creativity.” moore weaves in personal narratives, interview conversations, popular culture visual analysis done along with moore’s club-goers, DJs, fashion icons, ballroom voguers — and how “fabulousness” can direct us to a queer world-building.
The word “centre” and “margin” oscillates between the pages as moore’s thesis — how does “fabulousness” reach beyond the marginalized identities and demand visibility; how does the eccentric use fabulousness and take up space & assert themselves in systems/environments that silences us; how does “fabulousness” in the digital age encourages more mosaic and mobile ways of organizing that steps away from traditional hierarchies?
I also saw my elder sister earlier this summer in Portgual after 3.5 long years apart. I came to Canada initially with the plan to return to Hong Kong so that my sister could move to Germany for her master’s. But that didn’t happen. Hamilton got me, gurl. My sister and I made a detailed plan for the reunion in Portugal and we spent a lovely week together. It is so refreshing now as semi-grown adults and be comfortable with one another. I am not going to disclose too much about my family but things are definitely happening fast and the realizations are coming in slow. With new changes comes with new opportunities for honest and sometimes painful and necessary conversations.
Outs (which are kind of like ins)
late nights staying up till two in the morning scrolling Youtube and Instagram and watching the same content. I guess staying up late is ~okay~ but given justifiable reasons. Any night owls out here?
Comparing yourself: comparing your body, comparing people’s achievements, comparing people’s “online personality” etc. Call back to my friend who reminded me “jealousy is the thief of joy” and “don’t compare your chapter one to other people’s chapter 10”;
(cont. comparing body): stop fantasizing about the ideal gay body type or ideals;
binarisms in general: specifically “seeing creative labor as “success” or “failure” but a spectrum of connections and a “multi-layered" ecosystem you grow that is constantly evolving and changing and shifting on a microcosmic and microcosmic level”;
Friendships that are wishy-washy, BUT turning them into encouraging learning partnerships;
Doing or making the obvious decision;
Overthinking: “overthinking is underdoing.”
Ins
queer world-building (see utopia): creating conditions
Fabulousness
More dance
Drink wine with friends
rings and accessories
world cinema
Public libraries
Coming into my center and coping with my margins
Stillness
Using style and creativity to take up space and assert myself
wider music listening, careful listening
the idea of eminence: success not as much as “individual win” but collective “win-win-wins”
Driver’s license
Daily affirmations
Job applications
Typos
Having the difficult conversations with my parents
Diva citizenship (Lauren Berlant)
learn french, ironically not ironic
Homely life: stillness: candles
I want to think more about “center” and “margin” not as oppositional but as positions that we can play and fuck with, depending on where we are and who we are with. But on a more personal level, I think playing with these positions require some kind of “stillness” and a call for yourself to come into the center of yourself. Finding a light.
Over the past few years, I have dabbled on a few things — photoshopping, podcasting, writing on substack (my Roxanne Gay era lol), cooking (my Alison Roman era, I spoke too soon right before the BA scandalS) — they spoke to me at one point I think. But I was more so looking for something to distract myself and to be doing “something” while the world is literally falling apart. I regret and don’t regret some of the creative “choices” but I am so glad I tried those things. I am learning how creativity isn’t quite about the “thing” itself but the whats surrounding it.
If you made it all the way here, thank you for being here and there. Thank you for reading and hearing me. Say hi in the comments with your in and out list! Happy New Year!