Emotional relapse
Recently, a lot of self-criticism and judgement has been coming up. I wasn’t quite prepared for that in starting this series. I didn’t think the anxiety and PTSD dreams would come back so strongly. Or that I’d be wrestling with the fear of your judgement despite knowing the old adage that no one will ever judge me as harshly as I judge myself. “How dare I share my story? Who do I think I am? I’m just doing it for attention, I’m just playing the victim and being a gossip. Everyone will think I’m stupid and weak for staying in an abusive environment for so long. Everyone will think I’m just a whiny entitled bitch. No one will care.”
And the words of those still in the cults I left are also resounding loudly in my head this morning, “Well she only abuses you if you let her. What did you do to cause this? It never happened to me, so…” Then there’s the outside opinions from those who are gravely uninformed and uneducated on the methods of mind control, emotional abuse and coercion: “Why would you join a cult? Why would stay for so long? There must be something wrong with you if you allowed this to happen to you.”
I’ve had to rewrite my internal dialogue several times this week in working on this post. Taking a time out to adjust my thoughts and emotions back into the space of self-compassion and remembering my infinite worthiness, strength and soul’s purpose has allowed me to realign with the truth and into the safety and reality of the present moment. I’ve learned these emotional relapses come with the territory of healing from complex trauma. I’ve begun to welcome them as an opportunity to get to know myself better, deepen my compassion for humanity and inform my work as an artist.
Stolen youth
Last night I watched the documentary Stolen Youth: Inside the Cult at Sarah Lawrence on Hulu. While it was triggering to watch, it reminded me that there are cult leaders everywhere. And it reinforced the belief that what I experienced WAS real. Real bad. The series details a small group of college students who were slowly, deliberately and meticulously groomed, manipulated, controlled and abused by the father of one of their roommates for close to a decade. He used a variety of tactics to gradually erode their entire personalities and sense of reality — gaining their trust through ingratiation; getting them to reveal their vulnerabilities with the intent to “help” them reach their highest potential, emotional control by guilting and promoting feelings of unworthiness for “bad behavior” and not living up to their potential; behavior control through sleep deprivation, mandatory (unpaid) labor and requiring permission of what and when to eat. This is a slight picture of the severity of what this man did to those students. The father was eventually convicted on 15 counts, including racketeering, conspiracy, forced labor, sex trafficking and obstruction of justice.
I couldn’t believe how much their stories of abuse resonated with my experience. My jaw dropped when I heard this man using the exact same language used by my abusive mentor to unravel these students’ psyches. Watching them waste away into a shell of who they had been felt all too true. I’d been there. I knew the feeling of not recognizing myself, of being in this fog of confusion about what was real and wondering if I was as bad of a person as I was being told I was and being punished for. I knew the feeling of desperately wanting to leave, but not knowing how…
Here’s the bottom line:
It can happen anywhere. It can happen to anyone. It can happen to you.
At the intersection of crazy and charismatic
It started with a seemingly normal acting class who’s very vivacious and charismatic teacher, Gloria, commanded (and demanded) attention with her glamorous accoutrements and fantastical stories. During the first few months, I was slowly introduced to Scientology through the use of some of the religion’s terminology, practices and “tech” in her teaching. Of course it was never stated by Gloria that these were Scientology concepts, so in effect, we were unknowingly being groomed for recruitment.
Most of what she discussed had to do with reaching our highest potential, not just as artists, but as humans: personal integrity, accountability, taking responsibility for our lives, being “at cause” in our careers, getting clarity on our goals, applying a strong work ethic, removing negative people/influences from our lives, and removing blocks that were holding us back…all good concepts that many successful coaches use, right?
Gloria described her class as more of a life class than an acting class. From how to dress, personal hygiene, and etiquette lessons to financial counseling and a women’s-only lunch where she doled out sex advice, we received far more than mere acting lessons. She frequently shared her story of “making it” as a divorced single mother living in New York City going from working three temp jobs to starring on Broadway in just four years, then swiftly transitioning to Hollywood life and starring in hit feature films.
I had to admit, the concepts seemed helpful for my craft, life and self-improvement in general. Her rapid rise to success was awe-inspiring. Her deep personal investment and commitment to her students and raw, no-bullshit realness made me feel I could really trust her. I could count on her to always give me the truth.
She used the “tough love” approach in coaching her students, and it did seem to elicit these huge emotional breakthroughs for the actors. Watching her aggressive passionate style with her token shock-value vocabulary left many, including myself, speechless. It was crazy. I couldn’t believe someone had the balls to say and do the things she was saying and doing. I’d see a room full of applauding students who practically worshipped her. They maintained strict obedience while exclaiming their praise, gratitude and speaking with such high words of validation for her that it sounded like she was the next coming of Christ.
She definitely had that wow factor.
I was anxious and slightly terrified, but oddly excited by it all. I knew, being the sensitive artist I was, that I was entering a very tough business. If I was strong enough to make it in this class, I was strong enough to make it in Hollywood. For a young, fresh-out-of-college girl who was searching for the answers to life (and acting), Gloria had them all. She had the truth, the way and the path to success.
“Finally,” I thought with relief, “I’ve found someone who is truly in my corner, who has the knowledge and experience to guide me in this career.”
Little did I know, this was just the beginning…
The descent
It’s a gradual descent into the land of lost souls. What began as an acting class turned into a lifetime allegiance at-all-costs and above-all-else to my mentor and a subsequent commitment to Scientology. Navigating the physical, emotional and financial demands consumed nearly all of me.
As we move forward together on this journey, I’ll delve deeper into the indoctrination process of these groups and the various manipulation, coercion and control tactics used.
While the focus of this series is ultimately my healing process and spiritual growth, it’s important that you first get an accurate picture of the abusive landscape myself and so many others traversed (or are still traversing). This is a history you need to know, because this is a history I do not want repeated — for myself or for any other human alive or to be born for the rest of our existence. Yes, this is profoundly important to me. And it’s bigger than just me.
Thank you all for reading, for joining and returning. Let’s not sit in silence. Speak out. Intervene. Advocate. Let’s end the cycles of abuse. Let’s create a dialogue. I’ll see you for Dysfunction Junction Part Two next week.
If you would like more background information, check out this article in The Hollywood Reporter or find me on IG @abigailonfire and look for the podcast interviews at my link in bio. You can also listen to Season 4 of The Lucy & Annabel Show.
If you are looking for additional information on the topics discussed in Post-Cult Life, here are some resources that have benefited me:
the work of Steven Hassan, PhD. and his Freedom of Mind Resource Center
the work of Dr. Ramani
The Vow on HBO
WTF is on My Mind?! podcast
A Little Bit Culty podcast
Trust Me podcast
Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar.
Thank you for this. Great job.
Great job with this. Keep it up!