April 4, 2025
How It Started
In the summer of 1985, my best friend Stephanie and I went through endless magazine quizzes as we soaked up dangerous UV rays lying on plastic-covered lawn chairs in my suburban backyard. I loved reading her results to her as we cried with laughter. But I distinctly remember being disappointed with how predictable the questions and results were regarding the quizzes about guys.
How dumb did Seventeen and Cosmopolitan magazine think their readers were? Dumb enough to believe that you could judge a guy by his shoes, that we needed a Bedside Astrologer, and that mental illness is a myth- if memory serves.
At some point during those teen years, I developed a quiz that was a way for my friends and me to determine if the boys we were interested in were suitable matches for us. It was a simple formula with only four categories:
Looks, Humor, Spirituality and Personality
Clearly, being funny was a massive plus for me back then, as was being a Christian. Times have changed!
If we were honest in our assessment, the quiz results were sometimes surprising, outing perfect guys as mere pretty faces and revealing our genuine feelings for people we had not even known about ourselves.
Why It’s Still Needed
Thirty years later, I broke out the trusty quiz for my daughter and her friends, who were equally surprised at their results even after altering the Spirituality section to mean general substance.
My daughter is now in college, and I work with teenage girls through cheer coaching. I find it fascinating how young girls today decide who they will date. Obvious negative personality traits are sometimes not seen as a deterrent to who they spend their time with, and even worse, they feel they don't have any control over who they end up with because they're only attracted to one type of guy. The answers are vague when I ask them what is important to them in a relationship.
The best they can do to suss out whether or not they should date someone is to write out a pro and con list.
Girls. I hate to sound like an outdated textbook, but who you choose to spend your time with in this way is more important than this.
This is not about who is popular and who likes you. This is about setting your standard and discovering who meets or exceeds it. It's also about cutting loose anybody who doesn't meet that standard. Not because you're cruel but because those boys still need more time to cook. Send them back to Mama unless you have endless time and patience to teach someone the basics of human relationships.
I have revamped the boyfriend quiz for modern times and modern women. It certainly can be altered to fit same-sex relationships, but I have focused on male and female for my example because I want to address today's struggle with that imbalance. So, grab your girlfriends, a pen and paper, and a tasty beverage, and let's get efficient and smart about dating in 2025.
The Match Quiz - Boyfriend Edition
There are four new but somewhat similar categories from my original quiz, with a possible 25 points in each category. At the end of the quiz, I list dealbreakers. Those are universal red flags that cannot be ignored or excused. Deal Breakers eclipse any score.
Step 1: Decide on your qualifiers. I recommend Attraction, Mind, Soul, and Heart.
Attraction has little to do with what someone looks like. I suppose many people have a type of physical characteristics that they like, but intimacy for most women has more to do with actual chemistry and whether or not that person makes you feel like your sexiest self. And then there’s the ick factor that sometimes can crop up with even the most good-looking men. Is he a sloppy kisser? Does his dirty talk make you feel uncomfortable? Does he not bathe often enough for your taste? You aren’t being shallow; these things matter.
Mind is where you determine whether he is your equal in ways that can make or kill a relationship. Is he a financial match? Is he as bright as you are? Do you find him funny, or are you being polite when he cracks a joke? It might be charming now that he doesn’t know anything about politics or thinks the world might be flat, but it will not be charming when he cannot help pay the bills or tries to impart his wisdom to your 8-year-old nephew. You are not looking for the upper hand or trying to pair with someone whose work you will never understand. You are looking for your equal partner.
Heart The number of times I have heard women and girls try to excuse their man’s bad behavior, past or present, by promising that he does not treat them that way is, well, heartbreaking. If your guy has a reputation as a cheater or a pompous jerk at work, you need to know that is who he is. Period. Is he not acting that way to you? He will. Trust me.
Is he a low tipper? Does he act on what he says he cares about, or does he just complain? People with good hearts say Thank you and Please. They have good manners because they know that words mean nothing without action. Good hearts comfort you when you cry and bring you soup when you are sick. They ask for nothing in return and don’t hold their good deeds over you as IOUs. They know that kindness is not a transaction but a way of expressing your feelings.
Soul is my favorite and one of the most important characteristics to look for in a partner. The soul of you is the things that matter most to you in life. For some people, that is religion. Make no mistake. Similar religious beliefs, or lack thereof, are essential to long-term successful relationships and families. Don’t think for a moment that if he was raised in a spiritual family, it won’t matter to him or his parents if you try to raise your kids with your different beliefs. He might think it won’t matter, but a protective code, usually embedded in them when they were kids, reveals itself as soon as they meet their offspring. It is extremely hard to change generational and geographical religious habits.
Of course, spirituality isn’t where it’s at for all people, especially now. Family values, charity work, art, politics, environmental love, attending live music and sports, and creating community - all feed people’s souls. Before you plan a future with someone, you better know yourself and what brings you real joy. Imagine your perfect weekend and your perfect weekday. Make sure that you can easily share those moments with your partner. Your partner should fully understand and appreciate what feeds your soul.
Step 2: Make the grid
You can do this on your computer or write it on a cocktail napkin. My cherished 1985 quiz is in Steph’s handwriting and my own, which makes it more special. Either way, you need six columns and as many rows as there are people in your sights to date. It should look something like this:
Step 3: Score the potential mate/date/suitors with your friends.
It’s best to do this with people you know well and who know you the true you because these scores are open for discussion. You will not just write a 25 for your Timothy Chalamet lookalike. You will tell your friends why he deserves a 25 from you, and they will help you determine if he really is a 25 or if you are just lonely today. They don’t have to think he’s gorgeous, they just need to see that you are very attracted to him, that you have that undeniable desire to be wrapped up in him, even when he’s just woke up. Similarly, they might remind you of his ick factor that you have been complaining about. Yes? Adjust his score accordingly.
The hope is that scoring with your friends will keep you all honest.
By the way, it’s more fun if you and your friends have all added people to the same list and scored them together. You might find, as I once did, that someone your friend adds to the list turns out to be better suited for you. It would be awesome if she realized this, too. It will likely be revealed if you are both honest in your scoring.
Once you have scored everyone on your list, add each person’s totals and discuss.
I remember one list in which I discovered that I scored a quiet guy in my Algebra class higher than the boy I had been lusting after for years.
Don’t be surprised if the person you have spent so much energy on is not the person who turns out to be the better match. There is a reason why those we pine over take up so much brain space. It’s because we are trying to make a puzzle piece fit the wrong picture. Deep down, we know what is good for us and who will be loyal, kind and loving to us. Saying the heart wants what it wants is like telling yourself not to trust your own mind.
Deal Breakers
Abuse - physical or emotional:
Do not turn the other cheek. It doesn't matter if he’s getting help. It doesn't matter if he didn’t hit you. It doesn't matter if he loves you. It doesn't matter if he’s perfect other than this. You know what abuse is. And you know nobody deserves it. Your job is to save yourself, not him.
Location:
A quick Google search tells us about 40% of long-distance relationships are unsuccessful. The number rises as the time apart increases. I understand this suggests that 60% of long-distance relationships are successful. The caveat is that the statistic only applies if these are temporary situations. At some point, you must admit that it’s not a full relationship if you don’t even see each other in person.
Kids/No Kids:
Nobody who doesn’t want to be a parent should be a parent, even if they are financially stable and their mate takes on the bulk of the responsibility. And nobody who wants to be a parent should pass that up if they can take on that responsibility. Being a parent is a lifetime commitment, more important than being a spouse, a daughter, or a sibling. Do not, I repeat, do NOT enter into or continue with a relationship with someone who does not share your dreams about this phase of life. You want to talk pro-life? Kids are not bargaining chips or “something to figure out later”.
Marriage/No Marriage:
Another one. Look, I am married because the world is set up in such a way that I thought it beneficial when I had kids. But the same can be said for not being married. Marriage does not guarantee security or protect families or women the way it supposedly once did. As women become more financially independent, the number of marriages has decreased. Whatever your position on the issue, don’t pretend it doesn’t matter. It is true that being married helps with some legalities, but the real talk is how you feel about that public commitment, and many people still want it. So if you are one of those people and your guy isn’t, you should move on. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for repeat dings to your self-worth or his.
Mothering:
I mentioned above that you need to be looking for someone who is your equal. You’ve probably heard all your life that girls mature faster than boys. I think both genders and all the identities in between have their strengths and weaknesses. But being unable to stand on your own and take care of yourself in every way should not be one of those things we accept in a partner. I know it sounds harsh, but do not date anyone who you think would not be ok if you broke up. A partner should add joy, clarity, peace, and self-confidence to your life and to theirs in equal measure. They need to be emotionally, intellectually, and financially mature. If you meet a lovely person who is only lacking in this area, give them the space to grow up because it’s not your job to finish raising them.
