SHHH! I’ve got a professional secret (and half of you probably do too)
The untapped talent of introverts in business - and survival tips if you are one
I have a secret. Well, it’s not really a secret, but over the years, a lot of leaders, recruiters, and coaches have made me feel like it is something I should not talk about.
What is my secret? I am an introvert. No one believes me when I say this because to the outside world, I seem outgoing, friendly, confident, talkative, and dare I say, gregarious. And, I am organically all of those things. But being me is completely exhausting at times. This is because being an introvert means, among other things, that interactions with large groups, being “on” for extended periods, and most social situations beyond one or two close friends drain my energy faster than the battery in my Apple phone.
I grew up in a small town. My classes were really small. I had a few close friends in the neighborhood. I was an only child who you know from prior posts spent an inordinate amount of time at the library. Even as I moved up through the grades in school, I already knew most of the teachers and the other kids from various events and schoolwide interactions, so no one was a stranger. And there was a lot of down time where I could sit by myself and think about all the things I liked to think about (like NASA, Indiana Jones, Star Wars, legos, the latest Sweet Valley High book, and my dog, Whiskers). The only “screen time” involved doing things like writing BASIC programs on my Commodore 64 that allowed me trick the girl down the street into thinking she was communicating with Rick Springfield via questions and answers. Because of this insulated world, I didn’t even KNOW I was an introvert. I was just me. As I think about that now, I am grateful for the freedom that comes from growing up without being labeled. There is also the lesson here. It’s the labels that destroy us and make us “less” than what we are, and certainly less than what we are capable of being.
As an adult, I compensate for and disguise my introversion so well at times that I’ve had colleagues say things like “I wish I could present like you, but you are such an extrovert and I am an introvert.” I’ve even had members of my own team make excuses that they “cannot possibly do” certain assignments or present at large meetings because they are “too introverted.” I usually respond with some sort of “get in line, my friend” comment, which is met with stunned silence or utter disbelief. Even in personality tests, depending on how questions are phrased and whether they focus on results and behaviors or internal effect, I sometimes test into the extroverted side of the spectrum. Probably most shocking, the “Cat Daddy” in my own house had no idea how deep my introversion rabbit hole went until we moved to a new city where I knew no one, and I started a variety of endeavors that required me to comfortably operate in groups of strangers and appear in large public settings.
According to WebMD, introverts:
Need quiet to concentrate
Are reflective
Take time to make decisions
Feel comfortable being alone
Don’t like group work
Prefer to write rather than talk
Feel tired after being in a crowd
Have few friendships, but are very close with these friends
Daydream or use their imagination to work out a problem
Retreat into their own mind to rest
On most days, I check off nine of the ten from this list.
Does this make me a less effective leader? Of course not. But what I find surprising is that even now, after so much research has been done on introverts, a lot of executives still think introversion is a negative leadership quality. For example, 65% of senior executives see introversion as a “barrier to leadership,” and only 6% think introverts have the people skills required to oversee a successful team. However, according to Forbes.com, a third of senior executives classify themselves as introverts…[and] among middle and first-line managers, there are even more introverts. Studies have even shown that one third to one half of all people are introverts. But it’s hard to tell because “introverts learn from an early age to act like pretend-extroverts.” In the workplace, people are often afraid to even admit that they are introverts for fear of being labeled as non-collaborative, anti-social, or worse, being parked in a basement with a red stapler.
Organizational perspective
I do a lot of mentoring in both academic and nonacademic settings. Given the number of times introversion (and imposter syndrome) continues to come up in those conversations (as well as the number of executives, coaches and recruiters over the years who have told me to never, ever tell anyone I am introverted), I am forced to believe that even with all of the great research out there - people still make uninformed judgments about introverts. By the way, these “executives, coaches, and recruiters” are the same people who gave me the misguided advice to never tell anyone that I once got fired - so you can see in “I Was Fired, and It Was Not Quiet” how much I listen to them.
Executive Mistake #1: “You’re just shy, or lack confidence”
In a groundbreaking book on leadership, Quiet: the Power of Introverts, Susan Cain explored a lot of the misconceptions about introverts. She does this first by clarifying the difference between shyness and introversion. “Shyness is the fear of negative judgment, while introversion is simply the preference for less stimulation. Shyness is inherently uncomfortable; introversion is not.” Introverts are often not shy at all, but are energized by reflection, creativity, and thoughtful exploration of ideas and strategies. Sounds like a good leader, doesn’t it?
Conversely, confidence is not inherent in any personality type. True confidence comes from within, and it is based on comfort with one’s self and the world around them. Unfortunately, in the professional world, we often rely on shorthand and flawed indicators of confidence, such as boldness or gregariousness.
In my experience, it seems that introverts, and even ambiverts, are more prone to what is now being labeled “imposter syndrome.” I think this has little to do with inherent confidence. I think it relates more closely to a tendency toward introspection. Think of it this way….if you stare at the paint on the wall long enough, you’re going to see the faint drip marks in the paint. And if you are a person who tends to focus internally, you are going to see the flaws more readily there too. However, it is important to recognize that true self-actualization, including seeing the flaws and opportunities for growth in ourselves, is a better indicator of confidence than some “dude” slapping people on the back in the lobby.
Executive Mistake #2: “Let’s brainstorm to decide next steps”
“Forty years of research shows that brainstorming in groups is a terrible way to produce creative ideas.” In fact, “[i]ndividuals working together using rules of brainstorming come up with fewer ideas (and fewer good ideas) than the same number of people with the same expertise working alone.”
Does this mean we should never have team meetings or group projects again? No, and they serve a lot of other purposes. However, meeting in groups for the purpose of solving issues or spurning creativity may not always be the best solution for your organization or the people in it. The organizational psychologist Adrian Furnham puts it pretty bluntly: The "evidence from science suggests that business people must be insane to use brainstorming groups. If you have talented and motivated people, they should be encouraged to work alone when creativity or efficiency is the highest priority." And if one third to one half of us are introverts, why would you choose a method that ensures that you lose the voices of that many people by trying to force creativity “in the room”?
Executive Mistake #3: Assuming the gregarious extrovert is the best leader (or salesperson)
According to Adam Grant, popular Wharton professor and author of Think Again and Originals: How Nonconformists Form the World, “[I]ntroverted leaders are more likely to let talented employees run with their ideas, rather than trying to put their own stamp on things. And they tend to be motivated not by ego or a desire for the spotlight, but by dedication to their larger goal.” Introverts are rarely the squeakiest wheel (they have probably spent hours focused on the wheel and creatively problem-solving a way to fix the squeak for themselves), and as you learned from your grandma, the squeakiest wheel usually gets the oil.
Even in sales, there has been a lot of research that introverts and ambiverts are often more successful salespeople because their “superpowers” align with the true requirements of sales success.
The lesson here, look past your assumptions based on bias and personality and choose leaders that align with and enable your goals.
Let P - R - I - N - C - E lead the way
As you know, here at PrepOverCoffee, it often seems like the answer to every question can be found in You’ve Got Mail or anything related to Prince. And here we go again.
Prince was well-known for his introversion (in addition to being one of the most prolific artists of any medium and of any time in history). He was also very shy, but as we learned above, these are two very different things. So while not endorsed or created by Prince, we will use his name as our guide on how to find the balance between maintaining authenticity while balancing the tendencies of introversion.
And before you start sending me emails quoting Susan Cain about the dangers of trying to “pass” as something you are not, that is not what I am suggesting at all. Just like a football team has to adjust their gameplay depending on how the opponent plays in order to have a chance of winning the game, we often have to adjust our professional approach to enable the desired outcome. Check out this classic game strategy for an example (sorry Chiefs fans).1
This is simply a list of some of the tricks I’ve found that help me be 100% myself while managing the energy drain of my chosen profession.
P: Preparation is the best friend of introverts
In many articles, I espouse the value of project management skills and planning, and the need to touch work on a regular basis to ensure momentum. This also applies to introverts. One way to preserve energy during “high drain” times is to prepare in advance. This may be making sure slides for a presentation are done well in advance so that you have a couple of days to think about how you will speak to the topics, or it may be spending time anticipating the tough questions you might get and preparing answers.
When managing introverts, preparation is also helpful, when possible. For example, give your team time to prepare - and warn them when you are going to put them “on the spot” if possible. I used to work with a lovely board member who would call me in advance and say “I’m going to ask this at the meeting, I wanted to give you the heads up so that you could be prepared.” I don’t think she even knew that I am an introvert, but I appreciated the notice all the same. And, this practice ensured that I had given a lot of thought to the issue, making for a better and more dynamic discussions at the board meeting.
R: Relax and recharge, before - and during - the “extravert” moment
Several of the most successful CEOs I know are introverts. How do I know? They spend a lot of time alone, thinking and writing about strategy, considering their own thoughts, then following by asking a lot of questions of the leaders around them in 1:1 sessions. When asked what they did over the weekend, most read at least one book or binge watch something on Netflix. These same people surrounded themselves with talent, and tried to create an environment where that talent thrives and does not have to meet a standard formula for success.
Everyone needs to recharge and disconnect from work to perform at their best, this is especially true of introverts…who, often due to their internal focus and self-motivated drive, will work themselves into the ground without noticing. When leading other introverts, it is critical to make sure people take time off. Real time off. And demonstrate the safety in doing so. I once worked with a woman who put on her outgoing email, “I love working for X Company that values time away from the office. I am out until DATE, and will contact you when I am back.” I thought this was a great message to send as a leader, and also a terrific message for the brand and its commitment to the full life of associates. In addition, by making a visible “out of office” statements, and sticking to them, you will create safety for the team to do the same.
What about in the moment of introvert terror? I am always nervous before I speak in front of a group. As for relaxing and recharging during the moment, I find that just taking a deep breath (the kind you learn in yoga class) while I am talking, pausing and making eye contact with one person that seems engaged or interested, or even making a joke about being “nervous” often stops the energy drain right away.
I: Invest in yourself by seeking opportunities to engage, and disengage
If there was anything I learned during the pandemic, it was that technology advances were going to make it easier for me to not push myself out of my introverted hovel. Once remote work started in earnest, I realized that I was going to be forced into social interactions less and less. At first, my little heart was overjoyed.
And then, I regressed. I found all of the strides I had made over decades in the professional world slipping away, leaving a tendency to try to communicate by email and text instead of engaging in person. This is where I had to decide to change my approach, and take proactive steps to put myself in situations that would be more draining. It’s kind of like being a marathon runner (and I am guessing because I really have no idea what that is like). If you regularly run, your endurance is built up and the “work” is easier. But if you get injured, or take some time off, you don’t have as much endurance and the “work” is much harder. Investing in maintaining your “social” muscle is just another way of “training” for the wide variety of roles that you will be asked to play throughout your career.
N: Networking for introverts
None of us are the best version of ourselves when we rely only on the things we are best at and the talents we are most proud of. So, like when you can’t leave a bruise or scab alone, press on and pick at the need to be alone. Force yourself outside your comfort zone (which is sound advice for life and your career).
When I moved to Knoxville, I did not know a soul. I had one random connection to the city (who no longer lived here). I called him and told him I was moving and asked him if he knew anyone from law school who was still in town. He did (of course, because no one ever seems to leave Knoxville). I met her for lunch, where she invited a few “buffer” friends. At that lunch, we got to know each other, and I shared a bit about my interest in meeting new people and what I was hoping to accomplish here. She went straight back to her office and sent about ten emails to people that she thought I might like to meet, making a very sweet and personal introduction each time. And then I started reaching out to them, one at a time, careful not to overschedule myself and allowing time to recharge from the interactions. Each one of these new “friends” also took immediate steps to introduce me to additional people. And so on.
What I learned was that most people are generous with their own networks if you ask, and by moving forward with 1:1 meetings at my own pace, instead of some large group “networking” event or professional association, I was able to establish high quality relationships in a way that allowed me to preserve my energy while still building my community.
C: Conversations with strangers - “Stranger Danger”
Meeting strangers, especially in a group setting, is especially draining for introverts. But one quick lesson from being a lifelong introvert is that pretty much everyone likes to talk about themselves. By asking personal and basic questions, you get to learn about someone that you don’t know, and the pressure is off of you to talk - preserving your energy for the remainder of the event.
What do I focus on? I try to avoid things like “what do you do (for a living)” or “do you have kids?” because it is often a dead end question (and what happens if they happen to be unemployed or worse?). So I prefer things like “what was your favorite job ever?” or “what TV show/book did you love recently?” It gives you more insight into who they are, and something that is way more fun to talk about. Also, in the spirit of preparation, when I know I am going to be at a dinner or other group event, I plan a list of fun and noncontroversial questions in advance (with a bit of internet research if I know who will be there) so that I am not caught stammering in the moment.
E: Energy exchange
A lot of leadership and influence comes down to energy exchange. How can you put energy into the people around you, in both public and private settings, like making deposits in a bank? Sometimes, it’s as simple as being engaged in the conversation or setting, and approaching the subject with gusto, curiosity, and enthusiasm. This is why I love teaching, even though it involves standing up in front of people I don’t know very well and talking. But the open and often lively discussion about topics that apply to everyone, learning from different perspectives that haven’t been heavily influenced by the corporate world yet, and even sharing weird things that I’ve experienced over the years, is energizing in a way that few things in life can be. This exchange of ideas and the creation of connections (hmmm…that sounds familiar) is often the best recipe for creating energy for everyone.
What are some other things you can do to keep your own energy replenished, like having personal solar panels, especially when you are an introvert?
Earlier in my career, I was promoted into a great strategy role that matrix reported to a female executive. She was really smart, but had “come up” in a time where she thought that being “hard core” was the only way for a woman to succeed. Initially, she made my life miserable. She constantly put me on the spot in meetings in front of the higher ups, ran her entire organization as one large never-ending team meeting, and enjoyed it when everyone on the team talked over everyone else - the loudest voice was always the winner in her world.
As you can imagine, functioning in this structure was not a natural fit for me.
To deal with her, I had to find a way to recharge and create a reserve of energy. So I took some of Tracey Ullman’s advice a la 1990s Ally McBeal and got myself a theme song. The goal, to find some music or video or something that makes you feel energetic before you have to expend that social energy.
For her, I of course chose 99 Problems (and you know the rest - don’t play this link at work).
Because every time I knew I was going to face off with her, it felt like this:
In my car, or in a quiet corner with my headphones, I would queue up JayZ to get my energy going and face her wrath. And, because I trained my brain to use that song to increase my energy levels, I was able to reuse it regularly to keep my energy up for the marathon debate-a-thon meetings.
How did it end? We actually ended up friends in the way huge differences can create mutual respect. I learned to appreciate her toughness and her immense intellect, and she warmed to me too. Of note (and like so many things here), I could have also put her in the preparation section, because one of the great things I learned in working with her, as I have with so many challenging bosses, is that I needed to work hard to anticipate the difficult question she would ask in the meeting. And this practice made me a lot smarter and better at my job. In the end, we discussed her approach and how she might be able to adapt a bit to engage the group more effectively (stepping carefully around the word introvert because that was still perceived as a career killer at that time). Did I tell her about the song? I did. And she looked at me with one eyebrow lifted…
and said, “I don’t know what the hell that is, but based on the name, I suspect it isn’t flattering.” So I played it for her, right there from my little dial iPod and headphones.
And slowly a smile spread across her face and she laughed. Really laughed, from her belly and for a long, long time. It was the first time I had ever seen her smile. And when I left the company for my next great adventure, I always suspected that she continued to play the song to get herself ready for her own next battle.
Why should we all fly our personal flags proudly, no matter what the perception is? First off, in the case of personality traits, “personality is not destiny.” If we aren’t honest and open about who we are, what we struggle with, what motivates us, what demotivates us, and how we approach creativity and problem solving, how can we expect to ever really have any real connections in the workplace? Without connections based on understanding, how do we expect to create teams that work well together, support each other, and ultimately lead to success for each other and the organization? And, even worse, if we are constantly trying to hire and promote based on artificial and disingenuous labels like “executive presence” or “extroverted,” how will we ever really achieve diversity of thought or otherwise?
As an introvert, I appreciate this and I can relate and have a funny anecdote. I did not like the open workspace layout when cubicle walls came down and there was little-to-nothing dividing MY desk space from my neighbor's who were both next to and directly across from me. Excuse me, but what happened to personal space? This setup put me in a PANIC, seriously. I made myself a framed 8x10 cheerfully-designed sign "Gone thinking... I'll talk to you when I return". And I would put on my headphones and stand up my sign when I needed uninterrupted time to myself. But I was told I wasn't allowed to do that, so then I would just venture downstairs to the "company library" or the empty cafeteria during after-lunch or before-breakfast hours for my much-needed alone/quiet/undisturbed time. It was really inconsequential because I ensured that all team needs were addressed before I left for the day. But, I was found out and both situations made their way into my performance evaluation. We introverts are nothing if not resourceful; I found other ways! Like hanging out in an empty cubicle on some random floor (some remained in existence).