The urge to cut my hair. Change the color. New tattoos. New clothes. Redecorate my bathroom. Book a trip that gives me a glimpse of a new life. We’re well aware of the feeling. The feeling of needing a change. And how liberating it feels to finally make one.
Maybe it comes from someone important to you moving away. Maybe it comes from making big decisions. Maybe it comes from just wanting to leave the past in the past and live a new life. New relationships, a new image, new confidence.
The new era that I seem to be walking into feels much bigger than myself. It feels like an opportunity to live the life I pretend I already have- but for real. Everything I love doing, everything I spend my time working on, everything I’m proud of… all adding up and making sense.
The urge to change comes from not being able to be here and there at the same time. The version of me here is someone who still thinks I’m figuring it all out. Imagining what life will look like when that important person moves away and figuring out how to be okay with it. Planning future goals and figuring out how I’m going to achieve them. Worrying that I might’ve bit off more than I can chew and figuring out how I’m going to make it all work.
The person I thought I was losing is no longer leaving, my future goals already have my dedication, and so far I haven’t choked so I must be making it all work. The version of me there isn’t worrying about figuring it all out. She’s just letting it all happen. Life is good and she believes that. I need to leave here to be there.
I’m scared to change my hair from brown to blonde because I associate having blonde hair with a dark time of my life. I don’t want to be that person again. I’m scared to add color to my beige bathroom because beige is comfortable. It’s a clean and restoring space to be in, I don’t want it to feel loud and overwhelming. I’m scared to book a hotel because it’s nonrefundable. That means I’d be committed to visiting a potential new home.
Changing my hair represents making it full circle. I owe it to myself to prove that I can go from being blonde and failing all of my classes, to being blonde and applying to PhD programs. Maybe the color I choose to add to my bathroom will compliment the new hair. Maybe the confidence from the new image will give me the courage to book the trip and get the glimpse of a new life. And maybe I’ll feel excited. Proud that I do have it all figured out. Instead of convincing myself that I don’t deserve it.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. A phrase we’ve all heard before. Life will tell you when you’re entering a new era before you’re ready to hear it. You might have good friends moving away. You might be handed big decisions to make. You might be confused and falling out of love. You might finally be given the space to organize your thoughts and feelings. Whatever the case, embrace that things are changing. Put down the weight of the past. You can’t be here and there at the same time.
If there looks better, choose to be there. Let this be your reminder to cut the damn hair. Get the tattoo. Redecorate your space. Take the trip. Change your style. Change your energy. Change whatever you need to change to give the new era the go-ahead.